Married, have two kids and a wife that is difficult to deal with. I'm in a loveless marriage but love my kids

Question

My wife loves me, but she is destroyed any feelings I have for her with her demanding ways and constant nagging. She has alienated my family and we have no close friends. I have no love interests, this is just trying to figure out whats best for my kids. As a dad I know the chances of getting fair custody of my kids is 0%, as we are both professionals and have a spotless record. Counseling is out since we both work in that profession. Ideas would be appreciated as well as opinions. I have a 4 y.o. daugther and 1 y.o. son.

1st. Kill the idea of killing the wife ok?
2nd. Been talking for 10 years it ain't helping.
3rd. I think in a divorce she will be VERY spiteful and try to take the kids to another state (where her parents live) and I will only get to see my kids every other weekend. If I thought the divorce could be civil I'd opt for it. We tried counseling. reading this I know it sounds like I have a limited number of options, but that is why I am asking, to see if I may have overlooked something. Thanks.

My faults: I'm stubborn on the things I feel are important. On unimportant issues I don't care. BTW I cook, clean the bathrooms, take care of the kids, and do all the yard work, maintain autos, etc. I do work a long shift job. I am grumpy on occasion. I don't do drugs, beat up people, or control my wife. I try to accomadate her on most things, unless it involves the safety of the kids. I am also increasingly intolerant of her behavior and guess I lose my patience with her.

Answer 1

i am sorry to hear that you are in such a marriage but please dont think that counseling is out of the question, but if you dont go that route then let me ask what state you are in and if you think that you and her could come ot a joint decision and file for a joint petition of divorce and share custody of your children i went through a rather long divorce with my wife because of the children and i am still fighting for full custody although i am well on my way to getting it it was a long drawn out process of proving all types of lies she told in court, if you live in certian states you have a better chance of getting custody of your children also there is a group called Fathers with Rights seek thier assisstance and they maybe able to help you also try and find a lawyer that specializes in Family law preferably a male that is divorced also he might have a few ideas that can help you i wish you the best of luck in your venture of divorce i hope that your children are taken care of by either you or your wife one thing she cant do is totally keep them from you so dont worry about that its a myth unless you are an alcoholic abusive or unable to keep the childrens best interest in mind you have chances of getting your children they are better then zero since you both sound like good parents

Answer 2

If you are both in the profession of counseling, don't you think that she knows something is wrong too? I mean the way I see it, is that you loved this woman enough to marry her. You found enough qualities about her that you liked to bring a child into this world and not just once, but twice. Surely, there must be something there. If there was and now it's gone, is it possible for you to try to find that again rather than to walk away? I mean seriously try. Remind yourself of all the things that had you falling in love with her. Look past the faults and focus on that. And communicate with her. From what it sounds like, you two check your jobs out at the door and forget to practice what you preach at home.

If it is damaged beyond repair, and you are ready to throw in the towel, then I'd say do a trial separation. Work out an arrangement so that you are seeing the children just as often as she is. They are young yet, maybe rotate weeks. If this works for the two of you, then you can use this visitation schedule in the divorce (if it gets to that). It's called shared placement. If the parents can make it work, it's great for the kids, everyone gets equal time and nobody is squabbling about money, since all the children's expenses are split right down the middle.

I'm not sure where you are on this, or if you are still sitting on the fence, just, whatever you decide, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. I wish you well.

Answer 3

Too bad and so sad. I know a young man, who has seven children all under the age of 12. He has a women who is unfaithful, used drugs and is not a good wife, mother or person. She has become pregnant three times, and he is not the Father. This young Father has a disability and all that he recieves, goes for providing a home for the children. She will not work and I don't think anyone will hire her as she is dishonest. This young Father , loves the children and has been both Mother and Father to them. They love the Dad and cry when he is away. This Mother is the worse of the worse. Many times this man would have left, had it not been for the Children. He says when the last sweet little girl(which is his ) starts to school, he is gonna leave or get rid of this nasty woman. But until then, he said he is stuck. I really hate to tell you this, but you had better stick it out for a while. The child support you will be forced to pay , will be lots, especially if you make good money. This women, I am speaking about, has also alienated this young mans Mother. His Mother helped for many years and one night this low life women came home high on Meth and ripped into this poor grandmother, as she had been helping with the children. She told the G/mother to get her ****** fat *** home where it belongs. And so the story goes on and on. I feel so sorry for you young Fathers. After you get married , you want only the best and un-fortunately, you find out what kind of witches are really out there. Stay strong for the children. Because if you separate, then you have to worry what types of low lives, she will hook up with and then your children will suffer. Take care and may God help you, Always and Bless you !!

Answer 4

I really feel disturbed when i see couples stay together for the kids. Children are resilient.. ask yourself is it better to see the children unhappy because their parents are fighting or help them adjust to a happier lifestyle.

I am a very selfish person, selfish because I matter. I have 4 children, I lived in a loveless marriage for 13 years. Mentally and fiscally abused.. I still to this day question why did i leave my departure so late. UGLY UGLY divorce but the children came through it..

If you should leave work with the counsellors to get more access.
Don't loose your cool in front of them (let her) Be reasonable.. and if you don't move too far from where you currently live you might be able to share the custody because they would be still going to the same school and not too much disruption.

Don't be one of these guys who sit back and say whoe is me..life is toooo short enjoy every minute

Answer 5

Wow, this is a toughie. How long have you and your wife been married? From what you say, you sound like a great Dad and husband. Don't beat yourself up over this so much.
My hubby and I just celebrated our 6 year anniversary a month ago. Believe me when I tell you that it has been a challenging 6 years. We have had fights, disagreements, but the good times always seem to out weigh the bad. We have both had to work on things. I am very stubborn and so is he. He works so hard to provide for me and my family. I try really hard to make him feel special and appreciated. I know you said communication is out, but, really, if you can't talk to your spouse, who can you talk to? My husband just isn't my husband, he is my best friend.
We have two kids. My son will be 5 in Nov., and my daughter 2 in Dec. Kids will take the fizz out of your marriage. I have, we have to work everyday at it, our relationship, or it will crumble.
We have found that 3 things really put our marriage to the test. (Money, children, and family(in-laws).
What made you first fall in love with your wife? What are the things that you love about her. We know that you don't like her demading ways and her nagging. Do you remember what it felt like to be in love with her at the beginning? Everything was new and exciting(at least it was for me.)
Try romancing her, sweeping her off her feet. Make her feel special. Try telling her what you need, your desires, be open. Since you said you do the housework, ask if the two of you could do it together. Like doing the dishes together or cooking. Or ask her if she could start pitching in a little. Don't just try to salvage your marriage for your kids, do it for yourself and for your wife. I am sorry that she has destroyed the feelings you have for her by the things she says. But, maybe there is something to that, maybe she is hurt too. Who knows!! It sounds like you are really concerened and that is good. Just remember, you are a great dad and you can be a great husband too!!! Good Luck!!

Answer 6

I'm sure you've had all the heart-to-heart talks/arguments/fights. You're both counselors, but that doesn't rule out counseling in my opinion.
Staying together for the kids is only OK when you're pretty close to the 80/20 rule (80% good, 20% bad), in my opinion. You're probably closer to 30% good, 70% bad or something like that.
Ladies who nag and are demanding don't change much, in my experience. They feel it's their birthright to have a guy do certain things, and if they choose a guy who doesn't do those things, he's gonna suffer.

Answer 7

First of all, if the marriage is that unbearable you shouldn't be staying together for your kids.
I hear so many adults saying, "well we are staying together for the kids"... that is not helping the "kids" at all.
Sure, your kids are young right now so it may hurt them to an extent... but how much do you think it'll hurt them years to come when they can't even do their homework because their parents are screaming and hollering at one another because that's how much that despise eachother.
If the two of you aren't going to get counseling and you feel no type of connection with her anymore, you'll have to break it to her.
It will be hard but be sincere and gentle about it. You're going to break her heart so try and do it the best way you can. Remember honesty is policy, be upfront about everything. Explain that her alienation of your parents, the lack of friends, and demanding ways have really turned you off and away from her.
Sometimes people do fall out of love.

Answer 8

The advantage in your situation is you. It sounds you have a genuine love in your heart unfortunate some do not(I hope you recognize it as a unique strength(others will see this to) the next benefit the age of your children. They are still young enough that adapting to a change of environment will be much easier now than later. If you decide (which you should) to make a path of your own you will provide them with more because you will have more of yourself to give. when you feel more happiness so do they. When people close to us are not happy it reflects in the happiness of ourselves. When we are happier those we love will feel it too. as for custody you will be surprised how things have changed. Don't believe because you are the father you will have a disadvantage. That thinking is the main reason why fathers end up with the shorter end of the stick. Present yourself confidently as equal if not more as capable of providing love and a good living environment

Answer 9

I got an idea...why don't you both talk about this. You need to stay together for the sake of your children. It is not their fault that their parents are jerks. By the way, it sounds like you are blaming her for all the problems...I suspect you are equally at fault. You need to own your issues and do what you can do to change you, who knows...you might become the kind of person you were when she fell in love with you. There also might be some medical issues as well.

Answer 10

Get divorced and file for either full custody or partial. You do have rights, and if your in the counseling profession you should know this. You are the father of the children you have the same rights to them as she does. What is best for your kids is to see two parents happy, whether they are together or not.