I have a beautiful 13 yo daughter who refuses to wear anything remotely girly. What's going on ?

Question

She likes sports, and skateboarding, etc... and has a lot of friends that are guys. The friends she has as girls mostly hang out with her to get close to her guy friends. She has no close girlfriends....and I can't get through to her that the oversized clothes she wears just make her look bigger than she is. My daughter is biracial, and has that Beyonce' behind goin' on... There are kids that call her names at school like "les".. etc.. and she gets really hurt by it, but still won't dress like a girl so that they stop calling her names. She's stuck.. and I don't know what to do with her. I feel like if she could just change the way she dresses she'd be saving herself from a lot of grief....Another part of me thinks these kids are just cruel, or jealous...what do you think? Tomboy's mom.

Answer 1

You're overthinking this. Remember when you were 13 and everything in your life was an incredible drama?

Let her get through this. Give her the support she needs but don't pressure her to be something she's not.

She's going to be who she is regardless of what you do.

FP

Answer 2

Well the first thing you have to accept is that there is the possibility of more than one answer. Either she is just a tom boy or she is like many others in this world (and we are finally realizing it) that may have gender issues. It is genetically possible for someone to be born in one body and have te genetic predisposition to be the other. I wouldn't worry too much about it either way at this point. The importaant thing is to give her time, make yourself available to her and by all means let her know you love her and that she can talk to you about anything because nothing will stop you from loving her.

There is a good chance that she is just a tom bot and soon enough she'll acquire a girly side...but if it's the latter... just accept her...and love her.

Also maybe she doesn't have a comfort level with girly clothes because she doesn't think she looks right so she avoids it.


Be patient!

Answer 3

I have a daughter that is just a little older than yours. She was the exact same way except she's totally into sports, soccer, basketball, she's very competitive. She likes to skateboard, too. She was very much into the punk thing for a while, dressing all in black, black eyeliner, black nailpolish, very melodramatic all the time, depressing if you ask me. But by the middle of last year, 8th grade, she sort of flipped. And now, she's just started 9th grade, she is really on the preppy side. She even wore a skirt to school on the first day. It wasn't pink, it was grey, and she's still into a more one color thing, lots of greys and blacks, but she does add some color to that, some pinks and reds to her normal only greens with that normal depressing stuff. I tried to tell my mother-in-law that it was a phase, but she wouldn't believe me, but I'll tell you, I truely think it's a phase. She still likes Hot Topic for some tee-shirts, but she likes some other stores, too. And kids are very very cruel. AND Beyonce' has a great behind. Remind her how much she's making off having that great behind she has. I've had to learn that there will always be kids that are nasty to our kids, even though we, as parents, think that everyone should love our kids. Someone is going to be nasty and hateful to them, even their own grandparents, look at my mother-in-law for instance ;-)... She'll find her own way, don't worry. 13 is a really tough age. Good luck. And maybe look into ways that you can support her with some of the stuff she likes to do. That may help too.

Answer 4

There is nothing wrong with her being a "tomboy". A lot of women go through that stage. What is harmful is refering to as "Lesbian". That is mean and crast. She is a very competitive young lady. She is not entrapped by her female side. She might enjoy male company because they treat her real and not snooty.

If she got that Beyonce' thing going on with the butt then she won't have a problem attracting males and she'll know how to deal with them too. Ask her if she would allow for one day to dress up very lady like and take pictures (glamour shots). Compliment her openly and allow her to see the feminine side of herself. She probably just don't realize how good she can look as a young woman and the power that goes along with it.

Answer 5

She might not to be looked at in a sexual way from boys. She probably is not ready to stop being friends and having different relationships. She should have more girly cloths around so in her spair time they are there if even to dress up in her room to look at herself and maybe gradually she will incorporate this into school clothes when she feels ready. I wouldn't push it . I did not start dressing up in girl cloths until 18 or so and I am pretty girly now and comfortable. I have the triple D problem and I couldn't stand that attention so I tryed to hide it when I was ready I let them puppy's hang out.and loved my body 13 are you a woman or kid its a changing point she might want to be a kid still.

Answer 6

I think you have an incredibly brave daughter that you should be very proud of. She respects her personality enough not to change it just for somebody else. It would save her a lot of grief to change, you're right, but it wouldn't be her.. d'you want that? When she gets older she's going to realise how lucky she is to have guys as close friends, that's likely what the other girls are jealous of as well. Not being able to be close to the guys like your daughter is obviously graced with :) you should be proud of her and respect her decision to be herself. She will likely change with time, a lot of tomboys do that... start to realise it's good to act like a girl too.. so don't make her uncomfortable if that happens, just act like it's normal if she asks you about something.

Answer 7

13 is a very awkward age for any girl. Give her some time she really is still a child. Just be there for her and listen to her when she needs someone to talk to. Don't try to force her to be someone she is not. Children are very cruel to each other, try to explain to your daughter that the kids that are teasing her are going through the same changes and feelings she is. And because of their immaturity they use teasing and belittling others as a way to build their own self esteem. Just be there for your daughter and accept her anyway she chooses to be. And never let her forget how much you love her just for her. Good luck!

Answer 8

Just totally support whatever she wants. Don't judge at all, it will really hurt her. She sounds very smart & is more than aware of what people think or may judge her for. She may grow out of it, like a "phase", or if not, so what. Many ladies dress "manly" but are totally heterosexual. As long as she is expressing herself w/ clothes etc. & being herself, no problem just take a step back.

Now if the bullying gets serious, talk to her principle,etc. They have zero tolerance for this nowadays.

Answer 9

I am a single dad, when my daughter was like this I believe it only a phase they are going through and will eventually end, there is nothing wrong with a girl liking sports, me and my daughter use to go rollerblading also I sat on the floor playing with barbie dolls with her and letting her put make up on my face , LOL it was good times, and know she has grown up to be a responsible young beautiful lady, , please allow her to be her self, we are not all a like and being different is okay and not trying to blend in with every one else, just at time there is a small price to pay to be different then every one else, yet this will build character, I do not know this, is her dad in her life much,? most dads have a difficult time relating to a daughter and this might be a way of reacting to wanting to get closer to her dad. It very sad out in this world how a lot of dads are not apart of their children life. I hope this was help full .

Answer 10

Hi Kate Ive a daughter about that age and ill let you in on a little known truth 13 year old girls are the most thoughtless nasty things when it comes to disliking other kids at that age
You said it your self your daughter prefers the company of guys and as a rule dresses comfortably but underneath she is a lovely Young lady so just play the swan game its just waiting until this swan gets her beautiful plumage and flies above all this petty name calling and poor treatment after all if she changes for them its not for her is it and if she is happy in her jeans and skater gear let her play we all grow up far to fast

Answer 11

I have a daughter that's going through the same thing. She's the way she is for a reason, don't misuse that. Just tell her those kids are jealous and tell her not to change, you may find that if she does change you won't like what you see. Tell her it doesn't matter about the outside, but he inside that counts, it's ok not to have friends that are girls, she doesn't need them.