i walked out on my violent husband about 21 months ago and didnt take my 2 kids with me (now aged 10 & 14). i deeply regret it and have done for a long time. My ex stopped me from having any friends or any contact with my family so at the time i had no where to go and no money cos he took control of it all. i felt as though i had no choice. Luckily my dad was there for me and gave me support and looking back, i could have took kids with me. I had 6 month battle just to get to see my kids but didnt get residency of them. I'm about to start fighting for them again cos the 6 months are up! i know people automatically judge me for leaving my kids without knowing the full reasons behind it. I do feel that i shouldnt have left them but i knew their dad would never hurt them. I love my kids dearly and only did what i thought was best for them at the time.
2006-09-13 11:09:27 · 48 answers · asked by Mizz Julie 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
What you did was for the best...you are not a bad mother..you knew your husband would never harm your children and they were settled where they were..you needed time to sort your life out..nobody should judge you...it wouldnt have been fair if you took them with you and you had no money and took them out of school ,away from their dad and friends when you knew they would be safe where they were..it's time to stop feeling bad.
2006-09-13 11:16:07 · answer #1 · answered by fajita 7 · 2⤊ 4⤋
You say he was a violent husband, but was he a good dad? If so, then NO, you were not a bad mother. Society makes us think "mothers" are supposed to have the kids or we are "bad" or "unfit", but dads have just as many rights as we do. I have 4 kids and they all live with their dad. I SENT them to live with their dad last year. WHY? Because we split up a few years ago and while I worked he stayed home with them from birth. When I threw him out, I wouldn't let him take the kids. The kids called him 20 times a day for over a year. He was miserable, they were miserable... even I was miserable. He was the better parent and we all knew it. Am I bad, NO.... and neither are you. There doesn't have to be a good or bad parent, but there always has to be a custodial and a non-custodial parent.
Just love your kids every day and it will all work out. You did what was best for you at the time. You can't be a good mother without taking care of you first.
Good Luck. If you ever need to talk, you can email me anytime!!!! By the way, if your ex gives you a hard time, the courts frown upon domestic violence BIG TIME, they would remove the kids from him in a heartbeat if they know he is violent. REMEMBER THAT if he tries fighting you and doesn't let you see them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-09-13 11:18:30 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
So Julie... What is up with you?
I see in another question you're asking about a boyfriend you've had for seven months, and you say you're in love, you've finally found Mr. Right.
So a little simple math says you left your husband and kids in June of '04, and you were embroiled in this 6 month battle until around maybe Feb of '05, and about a year later you started dating "Mr. Right." Your kids are aged 10 & 14, which at the very least puts you somewhere around mid 30's. I get that.
I guess I'd have to say that you're probably going through the female mid-life thing a little, but that's no reason to inherently doubt yourself as a mother. BUT you need to start doing the right thing right away.
If your ex is in fact violent, then you have to fight for your children, who do not have the strength to fight for themselves. Fight as hard as you can, and do not give up until you have custody. Take off the gloves. Take no prisoners. Fight like a mother defending her young, because that's what you are.
If your'e using a momentary violent outbreak on your ex's part as an excuse to justify your feelings of guilt [and only you know whether you are or not...] then cut it out. A court battle will victimize your kids if it's not about something real.
This is one of those bi-polar situations. If he has a HISTORY of violence, then you're doing a terrible thing by leaving it as is. If the problem was YOU, then YOU'RE the one victimizing your children as an excuse for your own guilt.
There comes a time when we all have to step up to the plate and summon some serious courage, dearie. Be courageous enough to do what you know is the right thing to do.
I wish you the best, and big lion hearts full of courage!
2006-09-13 11:26:15 · answer #3 · answered by Jerry 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If it has been 6 months and you have not proven you were in danger and left for that reason then your not telling us everything! Your asking us to help you but you fail to give us all the info. I can say this without reservation I would NEVER leave my home without my children and I would have NOT waited 6 months to get them back!! I stayed with an abusive spouse until such a time as I could leave and take all three of my children so it can be done! Come back when you can ask a question and give all the information! No court anywhere would keep you from your kids if you did no wrong and left to protect your own safety. No sorry there is much more your NOT telling us!!!
2006-09-13 11:16:40 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Although I feel that you should have taken the kids with you. I would not say you are a bad mother. Everyone has different circumstances and it may have been better for you to get out of the violent relationship and deal with the issues that it brings and get yourself settled before seeking residency as you are probably in a better place now.
I can only think that you left your children because you knew that they would be safe and would not cause them disruption.
I wish you all the best and hope things work out well for you babe.
Email me if you wanna chat.
2006-09-13 11:19:10 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You did nothing wrong. What you did doesn't make you a bad mother. Otherwise, had you walked away with the kids, your ex would have seemed like a bad father, which doesn't necessarily have to be the case. You weren't in a situation where you felt it was a good idea to take your kids with you so there was nothing wrong in what you did. Anyone who judges you otherwise has never been in your situation and is just being a jerk or a b*tch.
I wish you good luck getting custody of your children. You are a good mother. You did something that's very hard for anyone to do (walk out on a violent husband) and I for one am very happy you managed it.
2006-09-13 11:37:02 · answer #6 · answered by Magina 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am glad you said to read the whole question because you didn't mention until the end that your husband isn't violent toward them. If he was, I would have told you, unequivocably, absolutely you are a terrible mother. But since he doesn't hurt them, I can't be so sure. You had to get away from your husband because he was hurting you. He was also hurting your kids to make them watch their mother being abused. It sounds like, at the time, you didn't see that you had resources you needed to take your kids with you. You are a good mother for helping yourself out of a situation that was damaging you and your kids. Now continue to be a good mother and fight to get custody. If their dad abused you in front of them, he will do it to someone else, and this could teach them that violence is acceptable.
2006-09-13 11:20:36 · answer #7 · answered by julz 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i think that you did what you felt you had to do. The only reason it would be really bad is if your husband actually hit your kids, you say he wouldn't but if he is violent you never know.
I would get a damn good lawyer and hopefully if you filed any police reports or had pictures you can use that to prove he was abusive and feel that he might do something to your children. They might ask why you left them behind if you thought he would hurt them, but a lawyer can help you with all that stuff.
Don't give up and just fight for them. Good luck to you
2006-09-13 11:25:46 · answer #8 · answered by starlet_80 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not a bad mother, however, now that you have your life somewhat together you will be if you do not fight for your kids. DO NOT badmouth their father tothem, ever ever ever. tell them Dady loves them and you love them an that is allthat matters. Keep fighting for them until you win, and you will. Make sure than when you do win, you give plenty of visitation, but through a nuetral source like a mutual friend or family member so he cannot use them as ammunition twards you. You'll be ok. The judge will aske the kids where they want to go since they are older. You must realize that they will ahve some say in the matter . If for some reason they choose to stay with Dad, MAKE SURe you visit them at least twice a week.
2006-09-13 11:14:42 · answer #9 · answered by Samantha M 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I understand you probably thought there was no other option because I know abuse can do funny things to women. But I would be fighting tooth and nail to get them back!! Not only for their physical safety if dad is a hitter, but if you don't try, they'll never forgive you for giving up on them. I would be resorting to pulling out Police records of domestic violence (if they exist) and showing them in the custody hearing. Getting people who know how violent he is etc. Unfortunately the fact you left them with such a bastard for so long will go against you. I hope all works out for you.
2006-09-13 11:20:55 · answer #10 · answered by kmlloveplant 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I think you were wrong to leave them behind. Actually my mom left my brother and I also. Well when we got back with our mom after months. I never showed my mom my feelings about it. Now that I am older, I can say that it really hurts. I think I might even hold it against her sometimes. I just don't understand how she could leave us, her own children. I think if I was ever in that situation, I would think ahead or do something to where my kids would go with me. If there a will, there a way. My kids might suffer alittle with me, but it's better then the feeling they will have and what they might hold against me. I'm not saying your a bad mother, I just don't understand how mothers can do that. I have a son now, and I would never, ever leave him.
2006-09-13 11:18:02 · answer #11 · answered by Susa 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋