I've been single for while after now after leaving a thirten year relationship. I found out he'd had son he'd 'forgotten' to tell me about. We were engaged, bought a house etc etc. The thing that hurts the most was the covering up his family did for him the whole time we were together, and if he'd told me when I first met him it wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference.
The whole experience has left me with a deep distrust of anything anyone says. I want to move on, but after spending so long with someone who lied to me about something so personal, how can I ever believe another man?
2006-09-13 08:06:52 · 17 answers · asked by tc 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
His son was born before I met him. But he used to go and visit him when I wasn't around ie when I was at work / college, and his Mum and Dad were 'told' to hide the photos when I was around.
He told me he was 'protecting' me as I'd love to have kids but I'm not sure If I can....................
2006-09-13 08:38:09 · update #1
To trust someone again, especially after what you've gone through , is not an easy thing to do, but in time , you will. When the right man comes along, loves you, and makes you feel secure, it WILL happen. Not all men are like the one you had, but sadly, a few are. You've had the bad, now look for the good. Best of luck to you.
2006-09-13 08:16:33 · answer #1 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trusting in someone crosses gender lines. If someone is lying, male or female, they prove that they can't be trusted. And lying by omission is still lying. A person does not just forget that they created a child with someone and the fact that his family was lying with him tells me that its a learned behavior and your probably better off not getting caught up in that family because I'm sure at some point in time there would be something important that they would want you to keep from someone Else, then you would have to make a choice to do whats right or go with the status qou. If I was a betting man I would bet that somewhere in your 13 year relationship his true character showed up but for some reason you thought he wouldn't do you that way. The way someone treats those they feel they have no attachment to, is the way they will eventually treat you. A person who lies generally will show their character flaws in other ways, its our job not to let our emotions blind us to them.
p.s. Lastly, please don't let one guy ruin it for the rest of us.
2006-09-13 08:43:28 · answer #2 · answered by Dende 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as if the knowledge of his son was the straw that broke the camel's back, in an unhappy relationship. The question you need to ask yourself is... what was it about you that made him feel he needed to lie [through error of omission] in order to kept you in the first place?
I would venture to say that you have always been a very jealous and distrusting person, which no doubt contributed greatly to the unhappiness of the relationship. For jealousy is simply but one of the forms that fear takes, and it is fear, not hate, which is love's true opposite. Otherwise there is no way you would condemn all future relationships upon the actions of just one incident.
2006-09-13 08:27:12 · answer #3 · answered by eric l 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In any potential relationship, you have to open your heart and self up to risk. Everything in this world is a risk. You are taking a risk when you leave your home and go to work knowing you might not make it but you go anyway.
We should learn from our mistakes but don't let those mistakes block our blessings in finding someone who truly love us and respect us and treat us with dignity and honesty and there is many out there for you.
It's painful to find out the person you were with for so many years wasn't what he presented himself to be but at least you now know the truth and you will benefit from having defenses up to anyone hurting you again to know the difference and leave when you see the first sign of problems to come.
All you can do is trust your instincts and if it doesn't feel right, don't even bother with it so you won't learn to regret it later.
Keep loving yourself and saying to yourself that you will find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved and don't again let this experience ruin you for the rest of your life because if that be the case, you should have stayed with him if your going to allow this situation to end your love life. Good luck.
2006-09-13 08:25:22 · answer #4 · answered by words from the heart 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that is horrible......and to top it off his family covered this for 13 years??????????? How old is the son? Was it during your relationship? i don't know what to say, I'm sorry for all you have been through..........but not all men are like that. For some strange reason he felt that he had to hide that from you and involve his family.........how did he pay child support or see this son and you not finding out?
It will take time but you need to forget and one day you will meet the perfect man that will be good to you and treat you like a queen!
2006-09-13 08:22:25 · answer #5 · answered by Jen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that's a hard situation. I can only say that maybe it will get better with time, you're probably still hurt - 13 years is a long time to be with someone and then find out they lied. Take this time to focus on you. When the next person comes along, be honest with them about what's happened to you and how much you value honesty. Good luck.
2006-09-13 08:18:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE, i also was a man hater, until i met my husband, from a previous relationship, therefore u can also do the same, how u ask, well....1st of all, u need time to heal and vent allot, to your Friends, get it out of your system, change your life, meet new people, guys i mean....be Friends with them 1st, i guy as a friend, could end up being the one, like it was for me, be strong!!....u are woman!.u can do it....hand your head high and be proud of walking away!,,,
all the best and good luck
2006-09-13 09:18:23 · answer #7 · answered by darlene b 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It takes time to heal but you will again learn to trust. Remember, your trusting was not the wrong here, it's right to trust someone you love and care about. The wrong was committed by the person who broke that trust. You don't want to become the kind of person who is unable to open up and let someone into your heart again.
2006-09-13 08:19:54 · answer #8 · answered by Tower of T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not all guys are lying, cheating scum...the same as not all girls are lying, cheating whores.
My marriage ended due to her cheating, but within a month of when I filed for divorce, I was dating again. I look at it with the perspective that just because someone screwed you over doesn't mean everyone will. Eventually, you'll learn to trust guys again. Hopefully, you'll find one that gives us a good reputation for a change.
2006-09-13 08:16:19 · answer #9 · answered by ink_collector 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfornitly people like, even myself, i try not to but... anyways yes this was a big lie and you probely did the right thing by leaving him. i guess the worst part about being lied to is how it makes u feel. you trusted him and you feel so stuip and used after. you will trust again although you may never trust completley. its too bad that this has happened to you, good luck and really the most important thing is to trust yourself.
2006-09-13 08:15:27 · answer #10 · answered by trish p 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋