We've been married for 18 yrs with 2 kids late teens. I've never cheated on her. We've gone to counceling did all the things to try to make us closer, even built better communication between us. Even though I decided to stay and work it out, I can't stop thinking about it and everyday things trigger a memory that brings on the pain. My question is two part, first for anyone who has been cheated on and decided to stay, does it get easier (better) and for those who have had years since the incident, was your decision to stay worth it? Second for anyone you was cheated on and you decided to leave do you feel that your better off exspecially if there has been some time since the betrayal.
2006-09-13 07:51:10 · 16 answers · asked by Dende 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have some info that can help you I think. For me personally no it doesn't really get better...but it also happened early in our relationship so now I realize that it killed everything I thought we could have been and I should've ended it right there, I didn't for a lot of different reasons. If you leave I think that being better for you depends on whether or not you truly figure you got yourself away from a bad person and out of a bad situation. If your wife has been an outstanding person throughout your long history and screwed up only this then I don't think you will feel you have won anything. Good people are hard to find, and even they do bad things sometimes, unfortunately even the good ones are still human and still fail sometimes. It can take years but I have heard of it actually making things better, shaking everyone awake again an forcing them to pay more attention.
The first thing to do in a situation like this is realize there is a pattern to the healing process, first there is a lot of anger, second there may be a period when you have sex with your partner a lot in order to 'stake your claim' or win your partner back, then the real affects of what has happened set in and thats when you know whether it is something you can deal with or not. I didn't realize this and made mistakes and big decisions while still going through this process and they turned out to be the wrong decisions. I feel that if I had known about this pattern I could have seen things more clearly.
As far as continuing the relationship or not you first need to determine whether or not getting over it is something you should do. I saw 7 things that can help you determine this:
Is it an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior? (including past relationships, even if its the first time they cheated on you have they cheated on other bf's/gf's)
Do they own it (take full blame) or do they make excuses for why it happened?
Do they REALLY grasp the damage that has been done to you and your relationship or just pay it lip service?
Is she sorry for the choice she made or sorry that she got caught?
Is she willing to do what it takes to clean up the mess he made, whatever it takes and however long it takes? or does she want to deny it and move on?
Is it out of character for them or are they insenstive about other things too? (respects your feelings, treats you with dignity, etc)
Is it a legacy or a new behavior? did they grow up in a family where this happened? if its what they learned thats a big clue.
Once you've gone through these and IF you determine that the answers all favor a successful relationship then you take it one day a at a time, if its a history or a pattern you leave and realize that it is the idea of the relationship that you 'love' and not the reality, surely you don't define being loved as someone that devestates you emotionally and doesn't care that they did. Finally, there is a question for you, if you reinvest yourself in this relationship and they do cheat will you be able to handle it or would you be emotionally wiped out? Never invest more than you can afford to lose. You have a lot of thinking to do, but don't worry it WILL get better and you will be ok! Good luck!
2006-09-13 08:07:30 · answer #1 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I was cheated on a number of years back. I tried to make it work. It was the most painful two years of my life. I couldn't get over the pain and anger of her cheating on me. It was tearing me apart inside. In good times and bad the vision of her cheating just get poping up in my head. I could never trust her again no matter what. I eventually had to leave her, it was very difficult for me. It was the best decision I have ever made in my life though. I think without real trust you don't really have anything. I am a bit old fashioned but I feel that in most cases cheating causes such huge walls that are impossible to break down.
The real question comes in with kids though. In many cases people say its worth it to stay together for the kids!! But in all actuallity, in many cases it turns out better for the kids in the long run. Lastly, if she did it once, she will probably do it again. Don't think you have an exception!!! People cheat or they don't. Just like there are givers and takers. You don't find people in between.
good luck
2006-09-13 08:03:47 · answer #2 · answered by jos e 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The key to continuing the relationship is for you not to harp on the affair. Don't throw it in her face every chance that you get. She has to break off all contact with her lover and not visit the places that enabled her. The truth is that you had problems long before this affair ever took place. If you are both willing to work on the marriage then do. It takes a really long time to gain confidence in each other again. It is not impossible. An leaves deep scars and as with any major surgery it takes a long time to heal below the surface. Make time for each other and become friends again and then it will grow from there. Good Luck!
2006-09-13 08:05:25 · answer #3 · answered by AVA 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before I married my husband he did cheat. Not only once but twice that I know of. I stuck it out cause I thought it would work and it did. Mind you that I told him that if it happened again I would be gone. Three strikes and your out. We got married and have a child and I think that it was wise to stay. I am glad that I did and it does get better. The only thing is that there will always be a part that thinks they might do it again. I let him know that too. If I could do it over I would. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. You never know but that is the way life goes.
2006-09-13 07:56:43 · answer #4 · answered by sscott12414 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Holy Crap! I just found out this year that my husband cheated on me last year and again earlier this year. I even posted two questions about it. I think if you click on my photo or my name it'll take you to my information. Somewhere on there are the two questions I asked. Do that and you'll get my history, if you're interested.
Now about you...My memory is very good. So everytime I hear the name Christina, my heart thumps harder and I lose my breath for a second. He told me what she looks like, you know how tall, hair color, stuff like that. Now every time I go somewhere I swear I see her. Every time the phone rings I get parinoid. I can't even look him in the eye when I talk to him. I see his mouth and I know he kissed her with it. I can't make love to him or even look at him when he's naked because I know Christina C. saw the same thing and she made love to him too. Everything is hard for me. My husband lied for so long about so many different things that I have no idea when I can trust him or not. This is how it happened...He got of off work early and went to her house. When he got home it appeared as though he was at work because he walked in the door the same time he always does. Now if I call him at work and he doesn't answer the phone.....well, you know what goes through my head. I hear songs on the raido and it's like I'm reliving the moment I found out for the frist time. Our song was "All My Life" by Jojo and K.C. Now when I hear it, I change the station. Love songs are bulls#!t to me now. If we're watching a movie and someone is cheating, I just shake my head and smerk.
For now I'm staying. We've got four kids. If I don't feel better by next Christmas, I'll have to start planning a life without him. I'm giving him a year to prove himself to me. To make me love, like, and trust him again. It's very tough. Some days are better than others, but I just keep on moving for my children. I know first hand the pain you feel. It's very fresh for me. I hope things work out for you and that you can completely get beyond this. I hope the same for myself too. Hope that helped.
2006-09-13 08:20:34 · answer #5 · answered by vitamin D 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OK... I don't give a crap how much history you two have together. I don't care about the fact that you have kids together or you love her or any of that crap... The fact that you are still together after she cheated on you once, let alone four times, means you deserve everything you get. Get some pride man and grow some testicles. Be a man and have some damn self-respect. Do you not think you deserve better than that? If you stay with someone after they cheated on you you deserve everything you get after that. It's like the person who stays with a physically abusive partner for years and years. The first time someone physically abuses you, it's time to get out. The same goes for cheating. Leave the cheating whore!
2006-09-13 09:41:10 · answer #6 · answered by absolutely_fabulous_78 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your problem is that you're dwelling on the past. You decided to stay with her, knowing full well what she did, and thus, you chose to accept her with that past. Leaving will not make it any easier to live with that.
What you're dwelling on is the fear. Perhaps you fear you were not good enough sexually, or manly enough, or helpful enough, etc, and may not still be; thus you fear she might do it again some day. Only you know what you fear.
Fear is not a worthy guide; for it is fear, not hate, which is love's true opposite. Fear is very good at concealing itself in beliefs of the ego... "I have the right to feel this way.", "You have hurt me.", "I suffer, because I love you.", etc. This way we focus on the loss and potential for more loss, otherwise we would realize that it is fear that is making us feel bad, and would choose love's guidance instead.
You cannot change the past, just as you cannot change someone that does not wish to change. Thus the only thing you can change is how you yourself view things. For happiness is a choice, even though most people do not believe this. Instead, they believe their happiness and sorrows are a product of circumstances and/or others. Thus they give up one of the most powerful powers we have in life; for if we do not chose for our self, we accept the leavings of what others who will chose leave us with.
2006-09-13 08:09:58 · answer #7 · answered by eric l 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It has been nearly three years since I left my husband of ten years who had started an affair with his boss. I have often questioned my decision to leave, as we have four children together & while things were good, we had a nice life. However, I know in my heart that I would never be able to trust him . I would live with what you are living with now.
2006-09-13 08:14:43 · answer #8 · answered by T S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One day you will wake up and realize that you are sick of torturing yourself over it, and little things that remind you of it will stop bothering you. You have to want to forgive her, not just want your marriage to go back to the way it was before. It will get easier with time. Some of the best times in my marriage were after he cheated. However, our marriage still ended b/c he did continue to cheat. You just never know about these things.
2006-09-13 08:05:34 · answer #9 · answered by Jan S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, my advice to you is that if your going to stay, you have to find a way to let it go. Once you make the decision to forgive, you must not throw it in her face everytime an arguement comes about, otherwise you'll truely never heal. Good luck, its a very long process, but if its in your heart to stay, you must get past it or you'll be doomed.
2006-09-13 07:58:50 · answer #10 · answered by Heather G 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋