How does the death of a guy's father figure impact his view on life, the way he looks at relationships, etc?

Question

I know this guy who's pretty messed up in the head about his father figure dying of cancer. This is perfectly understandable seeing as I lost my mother figure to cancer as well. I understand why he's aloof and moody right now because he's acting just like I did back when I was dealing with such a thing. While I know and understand at this time (2 years later) how I dealt with and acted to such an awful experience, I was just wondering if men react differently seeing as our emotional openness and such are so different between men and women. Just curious!!

Answer 1

I disagree with the earlier poster in terms of men and women being the same. While expression of emotion is culturally taught, men and women still approach things differently -- and the fact that the father is male means that a male child and female child will be looking to him for different things.

While my relationships with my two sons is similar, my relationship with my daughter is different. She simply interacts with me in a different way and is looking for different validation.

The boy is primarily looking at the father as role model, and he's looking for validation of his competence/strength -- his ability to be effectual in the world. Fathers tend to be good at "doing things" with their kids (well, unless they are neglectful); while a mother will "mother" the children and nurture them, the father often finds it easier to teach them how to do things, provide knowledge of the world, teach them how to be independent, and so forth. Again, it's not black and white, but this is the typical 'father' role by nature.

Meanwhile, the girl is primarily looking at her father to validate who she is -- that she's desirable as a person, engaging, worthwhile. The way the father interacts with her helps determine the sort of man she will look for later as a love interest.

When a guy loses his dad, the strength of that relationship (and any unresolved issues) determines the impact on him. For a good father who did a sufficient job, the boy will grieve but will have the strength and positive outlook to continue with life -- using his father as a role model even while mourning his loss. For a relationship where the boy never quite gained his confidence, there was still a rift there, and so forth, it can be much more rocky.

The boy has lost his role model and might still have doubts about his own ability to be a confident, strong man, and now the guy who had the best shot at giving that to him is gone.

Men generally also bottle their emotions up (brood or get depressed) or else release them as an outburst (anger, for example) or pursue addictive activity. Women generally are better at talking out their emotions without other women seeing them as "threatening" in the process.

What to do to help a guy grieve? Probably just spend time with him, so that when he's ready to share something, someone is there to hear it. If there were unresolved issues there with his dad, he might need the presence of a man to encourage him that he's okay and able to make it; a woman can "nurture" him, but he will probably need the male affirmation.

Any positive activity that bolsters his confidence, makes him feel worthwhile and able to use his strength for others, etc., is also good. Just don't expect him to talk about it the same way (and in as much depth) as a woman might -- at least, for most typical guys.

Answer 2

The reaction of one to the loss of a "father figure" is in direct relationship to ones attachment to the person viewed as a "father figure". This attachment can be due to this life or a previous life. The degree to which one denies the emotions within him/herself has to do with how he/she was raised more than it does ones sex.

There is a general tendency for women to express their emotions more than men, but this is not due to ones sex, but is a learned denial.

Answer 3

It shouldn't really affect his relationships too much. Obviously he'll be more depressed and have a colder outlook on life. But hey, maybe that's not a bad thing. Life is cruel and that what doesn't kill you supposely makes you stronger.