How can I get my fiance to talk to his mother about the things she does and says, that are harmful to us.?

Question

My fiance mother and Grandmother on his mothers side are making our lives just a little difficult ever since him and I moved in tougether. We are getting married Next May, so that is the reason we decided to move out. It just so happened that his Granfather passed two months prior to our moving. So, his Grandmother did not talk to him or me for about 3 months. But we had to go to her Birthday even when she was not talking to us becuase his mom said it was the right thing to do. The whole family was acting weird with us. My fiance puts up with it and I feel extremely uncomfortable. Its like when I am around his mom and Grandma they pretend to be nice but then they pull these little stunts and pretend nothing has happened or that everything is o.k. And here I am fighting with my fiance, crying and just feeling miserable because he wont talk to them about it and he continues to attend all the family gatherings even if he is being treated differently. What should I do?

Answer 1

my guess is that his mom & granny are disapporving of what u 2 staying together before marriage & maybe sex b4 marriage too. they may not quite except your values, moral & outlook in life. they don't like u influcing their darling boy. they may be frighten to let their "liitle boy", spread his wings & leave the nest.

However, at the end of the day, your Bf have to stand up 4 u & himself. u guys r getting married. he has to grow up & take up some responsibilities & prepare to be a husband. husband need to leave their mom & granny physically, EMOTIONALLY & MENTALLY. cut off from the apron string so that he can be fully united with his wife. u too to a little extent need to do that with your side of the family if they live near.

he has to ask the hard question of what they have aginst u guys. he has lay the rules b4 them & make it clear that's how u guys r going to live your live together. u guys have to discuss & compromise & combine your values, moral, outlook & DREAMS together & make your own blend within your coming marriage. if u don't mothers, granny, uncle, friends & everyone will try to put in their 2 dime worth of advice on how to run your marriage.

i hope this is helpful. no marriage is prefect as long humans are involved. i go thru all the above, 12 yrs ago in my marriage. it was hard, took me a lot of gut to confront my parent that she the right 1 & that we set the rules in our new household of marriage. our parents were upset intially but they love us, so they get over it sooner than we thought. hang in there & fight for the precious love u 2 got.

Peace , lady

Answer 2

I am guessing that you are the innocent rescipient of all this stuff. That you don't add fuel to the fire by playing games back. If that is the case, read on.

Everyone you (and every one else on the planet) have met or will ever meet comes with baggage. The family is part of that. In theory, you should be able to sit down with your partner and ask for what you need. That is a theory, however. Why? You may ask. Because the same stuff that you object to with the family members, well, that same stuff is also part of your partner. So, tread very carefully.

OPTION 1 -- You come right out and tell all to him.

OPTION 2 -- You keep your mouth shut and accept the family.

OPTION 3 -- A third options is for you both to go to some couple's counseling. Some churches provide this as part of the preparation for marriage.

Every action has a consequence.

#1 He will side with his family if you criticize them. They might make it even harder for you and try to drive you away.

#2 You will become more and more frustrated. You will eventually leave.

Both 1 and 2 are no-win deals.

#3 With a third person in the room, a counselor or therapist, you can make them the bad guy, the messenger, the bearer of bad news. Then you end up with more alternatives. Because a good counselor or therapist can help you both see all the grey areas and options, wheas currently you probably feel a bit cornered and outgunned by this guy's family.

Option A - you and he work it out between you two, eventually accepting his family for whom they are.

Option B - the insight you gain in the counseling allows you to make more informed decisions about the relationship. Maybe you leave, but you make the decision. Or if you stay, you are willing to go to Option A.

One thing I am pretty sure of is: You cannot change his family. You cannot change him, even if he wants to change. You have picked a doozie of a family to hang out with. They seem very emotionally sick. Be careful. That behavior rubs off.


Good luck.

Answer 3

Sadly your fiance will probably never confront his mother and grandmother. It is up to you. Go and talk directly to his mom, in a non confrontational way. Ask her in a pleasant voice that you want to know what is going on. Why do they act strange around you? Why is the grandmother upset with you and your fiance? Find out why they are upset and maybe you can work to undo whatever you did (or they think you did to tick them off). Remember honey attracts more flies than vinegar (meaning saying things nicely will get you further with the mom than acting like a b i tc h towards her).

Answer 4

If you guys are financially independent, then you could choose not to attend family gatherings at his side after the wedding. If things get better then you could attend once again. But if your fiance is like a puppet, and not capable of making decisions or act on your best interests, then think twice and dump him.. or make him choose if he can't shape up.

Answer 5

What the heck do you care? I fail to work out what this has to do with you. Are you irritating with the aid of fact this may be seen non-classic? properly, guess what, having 3 babies till now marriage is fantastically non-classic too, so basically watch carefully who's judging who. And, provide up attempting to play the "babies card" - 9 circumstances out of 10 while a mom says, "yet my babies........" it has no longer something to do with the babies and each little thing to do relating to the mother and what the mother thinks/needs. Your interest as a mom is to no longer shield your babies from the international around them (ie - no longer letting the babies circulate to Grandpa's abode) yet to instruct them a thank you to work together with the international arround them in an appropriate way. to settle for variations in others and instruct our childrens to settle for variations in others is appropriate and makes for a much extra tolerant and safer international. in the event that they're happy jointly, be happy for them. Who cares what the babies call your sister. Do you think of that with the aid of fact she replaced into Aunt first, she has to stay that continuously? i'm hoping some day, my nieces and nephews call me with the help of my first call, no longer Auntie Krissylyn for ever. All in all, it rather is not on a daily basis that 2 people can locate one yet another in this great huge international. So knock it off.

Answer 6

they're probably treating you this way because you are living together out of wedlock. you have to understand their side of things too. they could be kind of conservative and feel that it is a sin for both of you to be living together. i have a friend who is in the same situation. they usually will not let up until you two get married. so just deal with it for now.

there is probably nothing your fiance can say or do to undo their conservative attitude.

Answer 7

These things happen and it's very difficult if he's taking their side,doesnt seem he is siding with them,mayb he's jus doing so to keep the peace.dont be too hard on him he might feel pressured to choose bitween his family and you.let him calm down&talk to him about it calmly.Dont give up on him because of his family are making you guys uncomfy.show em that u stickin by him...infact ignore their stunts,wen dey laugh laugh with them.be strong

Answer 8

just how you asking the guys to answer this you an dyour fiance need to sit and ask them this same question

Answer 9

Your fiance is going to have to choose. He needs to grow up.

Answer 10

u talk directly to the mother.
i´ve tried to get my husband talk to his mother and is impossible.
i´m learning German so i can talk to my mother in law directly.
better without intermediaries, no?