How can we get past this and leave it in the past?
2006-09-13 06:00:47 · 22 answers · asked by Sara S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your husband will never be able to completely forget what happened. In time, it may fade from his immediate thoughts, but it shall always be there and something or someone may remind him of what happened. You shouldn't focus on strictly trying to get past this.. forgetting and leaving it in the past is not the only way that your marriage is going to survive!
Look at your affair as an 800 lb gorilla in your living room... you both know it's there and you can avoid it, you can walk around it, you can cover it up; but you'll never forget that it's there and you'll have difficulty avoiding its presence. It's also going to displace other things in your living room. Family and friends will notice its presence also; some will mention it, while others will do as you are and not acknowledge it. What you have to do is eventually move that 800 lb gorilla out of your living room to another room, that's not visited as often. Then you move that gorilla to the back yard, out of the house. Then finally, you get him out of the yard and out of your lives. It won't be easy, because remember; this is an 800 lb gorilla and even when he's out of your lives, you're still going to remember that at one time, you had an 800 lb gorilla in your living room.
I would applaud your husband for forgiving you... but if he has forgiven you, will he be able to trust you to let you go out on your own or leave you at home by yourself? I know that TRUST is probably not one of your favorite words right now, but in order for him to truly forgive you and give you both some peace of mind, he will have to trust you again.
Good luck and God bless...
2006-09-13 06:13:19 · answer #1 · answered by E. Gads 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Rebuilding trust is something that will be a very slow process but can be done. I would really suggest going to couple counseling as well as individual counseling. Always be honest and be understanding if he questions something.
Sadly it takes years to trust in a relationship and only a few seconds to destroy it.
How to rebuild trust from http://marriage.about.com/cs/trustissues/ht/rebuildtrust.htm
Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about it.
Decide to forgive or to be forgiven.
Show that the errant behavior is gone by changing behaviors. That means no more secrets.
Together, set specific goals.
Both of you must renew your commitment to your marriage and one another.
The wounded spouse must share their pain. The other must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience.
Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head.
Be honest.
Avoid using words that can trigger conflict. Use non-blaming 'I' statements and don't say always, must, never, or should.
Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions.
Be open to seeking counseling to have a better insight into what caused the trust to be broken.
Remind one another that you each deserve open and honest answers to your questions about the affair or betrayal.
Tips:
Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time. It won't happen over night.
It's ok to remember the incidents and the betrayal. You may not forget it, but the pain will eventually go away.
Be aware of your feelings.
Hugs from a Loving Mom to a Brilliant, as well as beautiful 8 year old Jared and Our Angel, Zachary (taken to soon but who will always remain in our heart) ~ Mel
2006-09-13 06:06:27 · answer #2 · answered by jaredsmommy2004 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Allot depends on your relationship to begin with,the circumstances that led up to you cheating, your first question to your self needs to be was it worth all the pain and suffering you now are going thru as well as your husband. As a husband that Forgave his wife for cheating i can tell you that it won't be forgotten and that you need to prove to him over and over and over that he is the one you want to be with if you are not sure then leave, if the issues that caused you to stray can't be resolved leave it not going to magical fix itself. Trust me it taken some time for both of us to be happy again, You Made the biggest mistake you could have but he helped push you towards your decision to stray it does take 2 to mess things up and 2 to fix it , understand that its partly his fault most mostly your and rebuild that foundation back talk to each other not just about little stuff. Keep the lines of communication open at all costs, but also do not allow him to use it against you all the time because that will cause hate and discontent. It can be overcome but it will take time and allot of effort on both your parts
2006-09-13 09:39:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You cannot get past it. You will always be the wife who cheated, it shouldn't have happened, it was not a mistake and you do not love your husband, how what????
The past dictates the present and the future.
Make wiser decisions next time, it is up to your husband to accept you and what you did, my advise to him would be to leave; trust, once broken can never be completely rebuilt, that's just the way it is.
2006-09-13 06:35:22 · answer #4 · answered by DivaByNature,B*tchByChoice 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well the first step was to stay together and work it out. You are blessed that he wants to stay and work it out. The next step is to commit to trying to work it out. There are going to be plenty of opportunities where either one of you will want to bail because it is hard, hard but possible. You both have to open up honestly, and be prepared to hear the truth. The truth hurts but the truth will help you to be free. Most people don't like the truth because it makes them face themselves. You can rebuild the trust and the relationship but it takes a lot of sweat and tears, but most of all it takes, love, commitment, communication, understanding and patience. May I suggest a couple of books, one for each of you and one for the two of you to share. Light His Fire by Ellen Kreidman for you and Light Her Fire for your husband by Ellen Kreidman. You will also want to read He-motions by TD Jakes. These books will help you to understand each others needs and how to give what the other needs. You must learn to forgive each other and yourselves for what ever has been done. Guilt has no value, it's remorse that does. But remorse is only good for causing you to grow in the right way. Resentment is deadly so let it go fast! How? Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a daily renewal powered by unconditional love. Good Luck to you both.
2006-09-13 06:21:27 · answer #5 · answered by Kingdom_Queen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love him and I assume because you're trying to rebuild, why did you cheat on him? You need to examine your own heart. Once you know what your own motives are, explain to him, ask forgiveness and let him know your "real" intentions. Earning his trust again will take time, lots of time. but it can be done and left in the past.
2006-09-13 06:20:59 · answer #6 · answered by WhyNotMe 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not going to be easy. It will probably take some time to trust you again. If it is meant to work out, it will. If he is willing to forget and forgive you might have a chance. Forgetting is not as easy as forgiving. It helps to keep the communication open. Talk about what you want out of the marriage and what can be improved from both of you.
2006-09-13 09:52:09 · answer #7 · answered by valerie t 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are certain that you are going to be loyal from this point on. And he has accepted you back then it is possible.. I cheated on my hubby he took me back its been four years now. And yes at first it was very hard almost impossible but i dealt w/ his attitude and now im glad I did. He has every right too be mad and he has to deal w/ his feelings towards you step back and let him fiqure out a way to deal w/ it and just do all that you can to prove to him that you are his only from this point on. Just let him know weekly in actions how sorry you are cause you can say your sorry but he wont accept that he wants to hear it once but then you have to show it.. You can do it if you both truley love each other, hang in there...
2006-09-13 06:12:08 · answer #8 · answered by whisper29me 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are lucky if he accepted you back.
It is really a very very hard situation. Men cheating on wife are socially acceptable.. but wife cheating on their husband are abominable.
Anyway, you can simply be nicer to him., do what he wants, obey his every wishes, you could be like a slave to him if you really want to get past your sins, you have to suffer for your own folly.
But you have to make the ultimate sacrifices if you really is bent on saving your marriage.
Ask for forgiveness. If he loves you so much, I think he will still love you and will try to forget eveything.
2006-09-13 06:09:56 · answer #9 · answered by yulnores 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been on your husbands side of an affair, and frankly, I would have had you served with divorce papers the same day you told me you had cheated. I had my ex served on our 7th anniversary. You can't expect him to forgive and forget...you committed th ULTIMATE breach of trust in a marriage. Don't ever expect life to be the same as it was.
2006-09-13 06:07:36 · answer #10 · answered by ink_collector 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋