i need help. i think im on my way to becoming an abusive spouse. i dont hit my wife but i push her around a lot now when ever we get into an argument just so she will shut up and leave me alone. i dont want to try counseling. is there anything else out there that might help me deal with this anger issue of mine?
2006-09-13 04:13:05 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yes, there are. When you and your wife are not arguing, sit her down and explain to her that when you two argue, you are the type of person who needs some space and time to think things through. Tell her that you don't ever want to hurt her, but she needs to stop pushing your buttons to get a reaction. If she can't do that, then when an argument starts, it might be best if you leave for awhile to cool off and collect your thoughts. While you are out, you are going to have to do something physical like basketball, walking, running, etc. The energy has to go somewhere honey, and it's better there than at her. Because this is going to lead to something else if you don't get a handle on it now. I survived many years of abuse at the hands of my husband before he took anger management. These are some of the tools they gave him to use, and it's worked. He was much like you and started off with the pushing and shoving. But then it escalates into choking and hair pulling. Hitting and punching aren't far behind.
It's a good thing you recognized you have a problem honey. It's the first step towards working it out. You can't do this alone though. Your wife is going to need to help you by understanding the situation. So explain it to her and go from there. And don't be upset with yourself if it doesn't work the first time. It took you a long time to learn to act this way, it's going to take some time to teach you another way to vent that anger. I wish you well.
2006-09-13 05:12:49 · answer #1 · answered by Hollynfaith 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some time when you are not angry you need to discuss this with her. You BOTH need to understand how these arguments escalate in to a control issue. You need to come up with an agreement to stop well before it can get physical. It means you need to recognize that you are getting that fight or flight response and she needs realize that nothing can be accomplished verbally backing you into an eruption. You need to say stop now, discussion is over for now and remove yourself from the situation. If these issues cannot be approached later in a more calm matter you are dealing with things which will eventually cause your divorce. Go get some anger management training for yourself. Couples counseling won't help much until you learn how to control that aspect of yourself.
2006-09-13 05:29:34 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you see that an argument is starting up, just stop. Stop the conversation and tell your wife that you cant discuss it right now, because it is making you angry and you don't like yourself when you get angry.
Apologize to her for the past pushing and tell her that you feel that you both need to find out a way to deal with emotional issues in a calm and understanding way.
If she wants to push the point or you both get verbally abusive during these arguments, again, just stop.
Like some of the posters said, walk away. If she won't allow you to do this, then leave the house and go for a walk outside. But definately leave the situation if you feel it is going to a physical level.
You said you don't want to do councelling, but if it's something that you can't deal with on your own, with the help of your wife, it should be something that you take into consideration WITH her. I say this because it takes two to argue.
If she isn't arguing WITH you then its you having a fit of anger AT her.
NEVER EVER FEEL THAT IT IS OKAY TO LAY HANDS ON HER IN ANGER, EVER. It's not.
Just remember that if you do harm her or scare her enough, she can have you incarcerated. Put in jail. Trust me, that will calm you down fast. A knee in your neck with an officer pressing your head into the ground will calm you down quickly.
Do you want that on your record? I don't think so.
If you can't work with your wife and find a way to discuss things in a calm and understanding manner, maybe it's best to talk to her about leaving the relationship.
Staying on the road your on, without taking steps to fix it, ie, talking to your wife, then I would say that at some point soon, you could find yourself behind bars, or worse, in prison.
Always consider the alternatives to your actions before taking them.
Good luck,
J
2006-09-13 05:07:40 · answer #3 · answered by frankly2u 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you push her, you are already abusive. Hitting is next. Anger management would be best, but since you don't want to try therapy, learn to walk away. Just walk out the door, around the block as far as need be until you are under control. Also, you could try meditation, yoga, etc. If you need to get anger out in a physical way, put a punching bag in a spare room, garage, etc & take your anger out on it.
2006-09-13 04:26:48 · answer #4 · answered by shermynewstart 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you really do need to find a support group that can help you deal with your anger. Counseling can be very effective to determine how to better deal with your anger. You can get out of control and pushing can turn to hitting. Abuse can not only be physical but mental. How you talk to her and treat her can leave scars that last a lifetime. I know becuase i was a victem before
2006-09-13 04:17:10 · answer #5 · answered by confused 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you want to try counseling? Most guys think it is just touchy feely crap, which some is, but honestly your 1st step has to be figuring out what is going on in your head that is causing you to act this way. You are making choices and it has nothing to do with arguments or your wife's behavior. You need to get at what is causing you to make those choices, and counseling is a good way to do that. Yahoo answers isn't going to be much help. Good luck!
2006-09-13 04:18:47 · answer #6 · answered by M K 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
you can try some therapy on yourself i mean look at her do you really want to hurt someone you love or do you want her to fear you?? if you do then keep it up but if you don't then now would be the time to change because if it goes to far she may leave you and then where would you be. So the next time you think about pushing her just take a look at your wife, your life partner and re think it. Good luck
2006-09-13 04:39:12 · answer #7 · answered by littlepinklily03 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have no right to lay your hands on your wife. You need to get a grip on your anger. Are you afraid of couseling? Don't be...it can really help you more than anything else and it doesn't make you less of a man...it actually makes you more of a man that you are willing to work on yourself. If she makes you that mad leave the room, walk away until you calm down or take a walk or a drive until you calm down.Don't take it out physically on your wife if you love her and want to stay married.
2006-09-13 04:20:35 · answer #8 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if u dont get it all out on the table and find out why ur feeling like this then how can u resolve it? find a angermanagement group or get individual counselling before u do something u regret, end up with criminal charges or end up alone....plus kill ur wifes self confidence and scar her for life. The definition of loving someone is not pushing her around and beating up on her.
2006-09-13 04:20:21 · answer #9 · answered by nicole 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband does this to me all the time and it's making me think of leaving him all the time. I dont know of anything else that would help other than counseling.
2006-09-13 04:18:53 · answer #10 · answered by Carrie! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋