My husband (2 months) has a daughter and we live an 1 1/2 hours away from her. We pick her up every other weekend. We've discussed at times would life be easier if we lived closer to her because her mother hates the fact that he moved so far away.
I am not comfortable with that because even though he broke up with his child's mother years ago, they still continued to have sexual relations because he said it was the only way he felt he could control things at the time and keep her from taking his daughter away from him.
He is upset that I would be nervous about him doing that again with her if we moved near her - that he thought I had more confidence in him than that. He even had sex with her like 5 weeks before dating me over a year and half ago. We started dating for a year and got married this past summer. As a woman, would you feel insecure or uncomfortable about living near the child's mother if your husband had on and off relations with her previously?
2006-09-13 04:08:03 · 17 answers · asked by actresscye 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Or am I completely being unreasonable? I am just insulted that he would say that he thought I was better than that to let his ex stay in my mind. She isn't in my mind now being that we are not that close to them. I know his concern is for his daughter and I care about her too. It isn't as though we havne't been able to make our current situation work with her. We have discussed the possibility of moving.
2006-09-13 04:10:42 · update #1
Okay - also keep in mind that my husbands' relationship with his child's mother is very very nasty - to the point that if we did live there - she would harass us and make our lives a living hell in front of his daugther. She does it now even - but she can't do it as much because we are further away. His parents also live there and have been harassing us and making him feel horrible about his relationship with them and they have been known to harass, but again, can't do it as much because of where we are. He still sees his daughter as he wants to and so forth. She used to deny him visitation even when he was living close to his daughter, so there is no guarantee that things would be better.
2006-09-13 04:21:09 · update #2
It would be odd, but I assume that he hasn't done anything with her sexually since you two got together. I would feel uncomfortable but not insecure. How old is the daughter? If you move there you should stay there for at least 3 years to get some equity in the home you buy, so if she is 14 or younger moving might be a good idea, but otherwise it might be a horrible idea. Also remember that moving costs the average family $2000 to $4000, mattering on how much stuff you have.
2006-09-13 04:16:24 · answer #1 · answered by Lib 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Where are your jobs located? That would be a big deciding figure for me.
How well do you get along w/ the ex wife? Hold your friends close/ hold your enemies (or those you are unsure of) even closer. Get to know her. Also, watch how your husband and his ex interact together. There may not be anything there.
They both may have continued their sexual relationship because neither was ready to move to a new relationship and they were comfortable with each other. And now he has moved on and committed to your marriage. You do have to trust him but... Always keep the lines of communication open w/ him and not accusing (in all aspects of your marriage). Including your fears, but don't let those stop you from enjoying your time w/ him.
Moving closer would be easier and you'd probably be able to see more of the daughter, but you don't have to move into the ex's back yard. Maybe 45 minutes closer.
2006-09-13 04:29:09 · answer #2 · answered by Erica D 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You married him. That right there should mean that you trust him. Now, we all know how men can be at times, so if you two do decide to move closer (which I don't see why you have to) you need to lay down some serious ground rules. My Mom and My StepMom were best of friends. You and the daughters mom need to come to an understanding. Now, if he doesn't want you two talking, then you ahve a problem because that means that he's hiding something. It also sounds like they may have used the daughter as an excuse to sleep together. Be careful, look for signs. If something don't seem right. It probably isn't, but don't accuse him, just sit back and observe then make any decisions that you need to make. I hope this was helpful. Good luck.
2006-09-13 04:17:58 · answer #3 · answered by Mizz Peni 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand that you feel insecure about this situation. However there are lots of things you can all do to improve the situation.
I don't think it is true that your husband felt having sex was the only way to see his kid he probably at the time still had feelings for his ex wife. This isn't a crime lots of relationships end like this and he has resolved his feelings and moved on. He clearly loves you and wants to be married to you not his ex wife!
If he is going to cheat on you, he will do it even if its not with his wife. If he has been open and honest with you and shown his commitment then I don't think you have much to worry about.
I know people's parents who when they were split up were on off and then when they both found people they really wanted to be with that all stopped - this sounds what has happened in your situation. He made a positive decision to be with you.
From discussions with my friends, the children of divorced parents who were happiest were those where both parents lived close by and the child had a certain level of flexibililty of which house they went to when.
This doesnt' mean that you have to become best friends with the ex wife or see her very much but try and keep everything civil and grown up. Its very easy for people to get worked up and petty and jealous when we are around parters exes and kids but we need to try and present a good role model. Show that we can behave like grown ups and turn the other cheek if need be.
If you do this i am sure you will get more secure with time. Your husband can reassure you that he is not interested. He loves you and you have the chance to have a wonderful relationship with his child and probably in the future your own children.
Good luck
2006-09-13 04:16:20 · answer #4 · answered by Bebe 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An hour and a half really isn't that far away. He still is seeing his daughter then it's ok that you don't live in the same town. It is not up to her mother what you and your husband do or where you live. She might not like it but that is her problem. Don't let her bring problems to the marriage. As you said she will harass you and that is never good when married. (trust me I know from experience) You need to be away from his ex and worry about your marriage. Let him do what he needs to do for his daughter. What ever he decideds when it comes to her support him, but DON'T let his ex control things, which it sound like is what she wants and is trying to do. Stay where you guys are. and be happy
2006-09-13 05:01:18 · answer #5 · answered by Trouble 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, your husband is right to be upset that you don't trust in him enough. You said it yourself that it was 5 wks prior to ever dating you that he's had sex with her. That means it was sort of over before he met you and I'm sure he has no intentions of doing that again. If he did, he would not have moved in the first place. You shouldn't be insecure about the move. The move has nothing to do with him and her. It has to do with his daughter and the need to be close to her. Thank your lucky stars you married such a caring man who wants to do the right thing by his child. You should embrace this, support him and try to develop a close relationship with this child as well. You'll be glad you did.
2006-09-13 04:13:28 · answer #6 · answered by Hollynfaith 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An hour and a half really isn't that bad. You need to make sure that he understands that the sexual relations are now DONE for good. If she is going to try to take his daughter away then he needs to fight for her in court.
You do need to accept his past though. He has probably moved on, let it go, it might ruin your marriage if you don't.
As long as everyone gets along you all should be fine. I don't get along with my babies daddy and his wife, I regret not getting along with him, his wife is a completely different story. Anyway, let him be a dad, just make sure that even if he gets mad that he knows you insecurities.
Good Luck.
2006-09-13 05:19:10 · answer #7 · answered by Princess 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well i read your prob. and i say no need to move in the same town that they live in 1 !st of all they only live 11/2 away ,,, maybe move a lil closer like maybe 30 min. away but to go into the same town is CRAZY . Sry but i look at it as that yeah its good he wants to be involved in that childs life,encourage it, but yall can do that at a distance! you two just got married and you should be tryin to establish your own family and things like that ,but still including the child not the town! you see what i am saying????
2006-09-13 04:16:41 · answer #8 · answered by Melimel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes i would prob feel insecure in this situation cos the past has repeated itself. Im sure he loves u tho otherwise he wouldnt have married u and would b with her. Maybe u can move closer but not too close like 30-40 minutes cut ur driving time in half.
2006-09-13 04:12:12 · answer #9 · answered by nicole 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all, he should not have sex with her, no matter what excuse he comes with.....that would be adultury, and you can get infected of a desease......now about the daughter, consider the positive things but also the negative things that could bring into your new family....try to avoid any confrontation with their ex-relatives...and even his ex....see, that's the bad thing about getting married to a married person, cause you don't know the bad things he has done, or she has done, in case of a woman....so try to live your life happy and try to gain control of the problems. good luck.
2006-09-13 05:04:12 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋