I have asked about my husband before. But maybe some more info would help me get some better answers.?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 yrs. We've almost seperated more times than I can count. And I keep hoping that something will change. Over all he is a great guy. He's not abusive, doesn't yell, doesn't hit, throw things, nothing like that. He does get up and go to work every day. He joined the army to take care of his children. But it seems to me that he feels his duty has ended there. I have put up with a great deal because I know he was raised with a family that were on drugs, he was alone, raised himself for the most part. No one to trust. I know he has not allowed himself to completely open himself up to this marriage or this family and really love me or the kids. He has been forced since a very younge age to count on his computer and now the machines at work. They won't let him down and if they break he can fix them no problem. Since he mom has cleaned herself up a few years ago, she started spoiling him, and that has become a serious problem.

He has no concept of money. He lived off his mom for a few years and has always been able to spend his money on whatever he wants. He will spend half his check before bills are paid and the kids are fed. I don't believe for a second that he does it on purpose. But that he has no clue what he is doing. I know where he is coming from in shutting me out. But it is has been over 2 yrs. He spends all his time on his computer, he will not play with the kids, I have to beg him to help me lift heavy things though I am pregnant. He is not involved in the pregnancy at all. Won't go to doc app, watches me lift heavy things and do things I shouldn't and never offers to help. He will not discuss names with me. I try to get him involved and he makes it impossible. In 2 yrs I have never gotten a car, a flower, a present of any sort for any reason. He has never taken me out on a date, never done anything romantic. IF I can get him to watch a movie with me he sits on the other end of the couch.

I getting to the question Im trying to add as many details as I can before I ask it.

I have tried talking to him explaining that he is hurting me and the kids and he get's mad at me and says that I am being rediculous. From the outside looking in I'm sure it looks bad on his part. And it is. But I know him, I know what he has been through and I understand that somewhere deep down he loves me very much but he has no idea on how to show it.

So here is my question. Am I wasting my time hoping that things may change some day if I give him enough time? Do I hold on and keep trying and proove to him that I love him and don't want to leave? I feel like I have been talking and nothing is being heard. I am going to attempt some counseling yes if I can get him to go. But I cry myself to sleep and go to bed alone while he sits on his computer, the kids cry to me every day about wanting daddy to spend time with them. So am I dealing with needless heart ache for a hope of a future that may never happen? Or do I owe it to him as his wife to keep trying?

We broke up a few times before we got married. And that was when I was pregnant and he wouldn't hold a job. When I gave him the last chance to take care of his family he joined the army. So that meant something to me. I married him to show him that I wasn't going anywhere. But I can only shell out the love so long without getting it back right?

I'm sorry, wow people back the heck off sheesh. A person only has so much understanding in them. Could you live your life without a hug or a kiss from your husband and just chalk it up to it's ok cuz you're understanding. Providing for his family is a start, I know and I appreciate it. But it doesn't end there. A marriage can go no where without intimacy and love and a connection. Am I wrong? Is it so wrong to expect a hug every now and then? Is that expecting too much? I don't think so. I am not expecting to hang the moon. I am asking him to kiss me every now an then. So I am wrong in doing that? Well if I'm wrong in asking for a little attention then I suppose there are a million wrong spouses out there.

If it were just me then that would be one thing. Is it right to let my children suffer because their father suffered as a child? Isn't like saying that because you were abused as a child it is ok to hit your kids? Emotional abuse is as bad as physical is it not? My 3 yr old wakes up crying in the night and says "daddy doesn't love me" I have never told her that, she is smart. She has figured that out on her own. She doesn't understand the things about him that I do. Because I understand what he went through as a child does that mean I should subject myself and my kids to the same problems for the rest of our lives? I have been trying, that should count for something. Yes I married him knowing how he was and I did it because I was hoping to get through to him. But is there a point where that effort becomes a waste when it drags down the other people around us? Tell me since everyone seems to be so self rituous what the heck do I do?

Sorry for those who have sincerely been trying to help me. It's not like I sit there and just hope he will come to me. Heck I have come out in sexy outfits and just asked him to come to bed, I have made him nice dinners, tried to take him out to do things he likes to do. I threw a big party for his birthday last week. And it's as if I don't excist most of the time. So I am not just sitting back hoping that he will change. I am not asking permission to leave him. I'm asking if I should try and be patiet for a while longer. Is two years enough time to expect some change, I don't mean all if it, I mean progress. And there is none. how much time do I give him to start seeing some advances? When do I give up?

thanks so much nicole for your answer.

Sorry this is so long. But I wanted to include as much detail as possible. this is the last thing I am going to add. He made a sacrafice when he joined the army, yes, and a relationship is two sided. I moved from Ca to Ga to be with him, moved my kids, left my family, left my friends. And I didn't think twice about it because that is what you do in a marriage. I am trying to give. I try to manage the money and he gets money to spend, but it's not enough for him and he over draws the account and takes money from my wallet and lies about it. He is always making comments about how it is his money. am I the only one in a marriage who wants to feel as if everything is both of ours in this house. Until I got sick a while back I worked and I contributed as well, when we first got together I worked and he didn't. I never keep tallies, but he seems to. Last week I wanted to buy maternity clothes cuz nothing fits and then he wanted to know what he was gonna get.

I am not jealous of his mother spending time on him. The problem is that she hands him money left and right, so he has gotten into the habit of basically acting as if our money supply is endless and wonders why I can't afford to put food in the house. That is the problem not her paying attention to him.

Come on people, with the comments on things I've already said. I said I know he loves me and that he doesn' tknow how to show it. And I've said I'm trying to get counseling, he refuses to go. Tell me what it is that is me? I think I have been rather patient and understanding thus far. A lot of people would not have gone as far as I have gone in a relationship where they are help lower in a priority list than a piece of metal on a desk.

Here is something for you people who seem to think that I am not giving him enough credit. when I was 5 months pregnant with my son, I was put on bed rest. He didn't lift a finger to help me so I had to move in with my mom. Then I wound up in the hospital off and on for a year suffering from severe malnutrition and internal bleeding which turned out to be crohn's disease. After his son was born he went to stay with a family friend because he didn't want to take the time to take care of him. He came and saw me in the hospital a total of maybe 6 times in that year. I did marry him knowing how he was, it's not that I expect the majority of things to change. I know the man that he has the potential to be and I love that man. I see glimpses. I was hoping that I could be the one to help him mend. But how can I help him if he won't let me in right? I can't! I believe he didn't come to see me in the hospital because he was scared. But in the end can I continue to make excuses for him?

Answer 1

My father was an alcoholic and he was also the only child son of 2 alcoholics. It occurs to me that your husband sounds exactly like my father and considering the background he comes from its not surprising. He died at age 50 and my mother remarried. Now she's finally happy, but they were married for 30 years and she was miserable for 25 years of it. They are both Catholic and didn't believe in divorce. I know from experience with my dad that he had a good heart, but he was a terrible father and a worse husband. I loved him, but I can assure you your husband will not change on his own. I really think you need to go to counseling when you're up to it. This is an uphill climb you have for yourself and that's a shame because you seem like a great person.

Answer 2

Hey, first off, you sound like one of the more articulate people here... Your question was long, but it was clear what you were trying to say (which is usually not the case with the long questions here that do not use punctuation and have only remnants of English grammar). I can only give my personal opinion on the matter... My feeling has always been that if you have to go into the relationship hoping that some significant part of the other person would change, this relationship will be an unhappy one. While it IS possible for people to change, it is more likely that most fundamental things will stay the same. Honestly - if you're expecting him to change, you ARE wasting your time. He may try to do SOME things to better the situation (like joining the army), but he can't turn into a different person altogether. Take a long and hard look at the way things are now. Can you accept that, at least for the most part, this is how your marriage going to work for years to come? If you have a hard time accepting it, there will be constant tension between you; from his point of view, you saw the way he was from the beginning, you chose to marry him anyway, so why do you demand a radical change from him? Acceptance is one of the most important gifts you can give each other. No one's perfect, but the question is, are you better off with him or without him? Does he have good qualities that may outweigh the bad? At which point the sacrifice becomes too great? It's really up to you to figure out if you want to keep trying, or just give up; I just think that making this marriage work will require a great deal of acceptance on your part - he is obviously not willing or able to change enough to satisfy you.

Answer 3

You need to sit down with him and talk. Tell HIM how you feel. Ask him if there is any way you can help him. Be supportive of him. IF you cannot work through this by talking, see if you can get him to see a therapist or marriage counselor with you.
It sounds to me like ke love you other wise he would not be trying to provide for you and the kids. He does not know how to be a father or a husband. He did not have a role model/teacher while he was growing up.
My mom did drugs when I was growing up as well As a woman i think we cope better and can adjust to the situation of having children a lot easier. it is still difficult, however, because I never had a mom so to say. I am learning how I go how to be a mom and relying on friends and family to help where needed.

Answer 4

Just because he had no emotional connection with anyone growing up, does not mean that he should continue the same cycle with you and his own children. Otherwise they are going to grow up more or less like him. It needs to stop soon or they will end up like him. except for the love they get from you,.

I do think that maybe you can try to get some counselling, but if that doesn't work , maybe try a separation. He does need to get some sense knocked into his head. You definitely can't live with a husband that is more like a roommate. I had that for over a VERY long time with my ex, then I divorced him and now have a life and love.

Answer 5

how do u change someone who doesnt want to be changed. Hes showing u all negative signs, and not interacting with anyone in the family. And he wants no part of the pregnancy. Hes shutting u all out, and you and your kids are miserable. It sounds like he shows you no love in any way. Hes also immature and doesnt prioritise his responsibilites. You need to do whats best for u and ur kids and none of u are happy. Maybe u need a trial separation, get some counselling and see what happens...my husb cant wait to get home and see our kids he misses them so much. Is it possible he may be depressed? i think ur children need counselling also because they need to feel like they are not doing anything wrong and are great people no matter how their father treats them. Emotional wounds last a long time and u dont want to see a cycle.

Answer 6

I think that you should try not only marriage counseling but also individual for him. It sounds like he has some pretty major issues that have nothing to do with you. If he refuses to go or the counseling doesn't work then i suggest that you move on. You can't change a person that doesn't want to or can't change. You shouldn't have to live your life and let your children let them live their lives feeling so neglected and unloved. For the sake of your children i hope he goes to counseling and that it helps. Good Luck.

Answer 7

You know since you have broken up so many times in the past. He is having a hard time trusting you. I am not sure if you left or he did. Sounds like time is only thing that might help you. He has had a hard life. that isnt an easy thing to just up and forget. Make sure you are a person he can depend on. Over time he will learn this.

Answer 8

Are you asking us to tell you it is OK for you to leave him? Well if that is the case and you are needing advice I suggest going to your family doctor, pastor, or councilors. I, or any of us here can not help you by telling you that your marriage seems to be over. You will have to try to work things out or make up your mind about what your going to do. Remember these words: " it may seem like your helpless but not HOPELESS."

Answer 9

I was in the military and believe me it takes over your life. Try to get your husband to do something fun with you. Plan a getaway or a romantic night out. Don't give up on a good guy.

Answer 10

Ummm ok.. so he didnt have a great childhood.. he's trying to be the best man he knows how to be, he's emotionally screwed up from his lack of role models as a kid.. and he has a hard time being as emotional as u want him to be.. his mom finally after all these years is trying to make up for what he lost out as a kid and ur pissed because of this?????

Im sorry first of all.. i think u married him knowing he had these issues..and obviously expected him to change.. well some scars are so deep that they take years if ever to heal.. and now that he has his mom back and he's loving the attention.. ur jealous of it?????? Maybe she may be the key to getting ur husband to be more open.. if he can find the mother son bond that he missed out on.. yet instead of supporting it, ur hindering it??????

Im sorry , i think ur the one with the issues more so then he is.. although its frusterating for u.. u married him and loved him and decided to marry him and have kids.. but now u want him to change into something he doesnt know how to be.. thats like trying to get a kindergartener to do high school algebra..by just sitting a book infront of them and saying here u go do it... with out learning all the proper building blocks they cant do it....

Im sorry but ur asking way to much of your husband to change over night.. u want him to be the man u want him to be, u need to show him the way, with alot of UNCONDITIONAL love.. just like u would a child..

Do u owe it to him.. ???????? NO U SIGNED UP FOR IT.. no one forced u to marry him.. U know what, with all ur lack of support and improper gaging in this.. he's probably closed up even more cause why not everyone else that he's loved abandoned him in one way shape or form so why not u ...

Lol are u even reading what ur writing????? You broke up many times prior to marriage.. SO U KNEW how he was before and instead of seeing the RED FLAGS and paying attention to them, u CHOSE to look the other way.. and disreguard them and "MARRIED HIM" anyways for better or worse.. u promised him that.. are u sure u married him cause u loved him and not cause u were pregnant.. cause it seems more that u married him out of fear for ur unborn child then because u love him.. and atleast that would be more honest of u.. then knowing he had issues prior to marriage, yet are upset cause he hasnt changed over night..