We've tried to have a baby for 4 years, and was so excited when we finally got pregnant. She's here, healthy and beautiful. She is almost 4 weeks old, and since this is our first it is a little difficult learning how to take care of her. So far so good there...what we didn't expect was feeling somewhat detached from her. We love her and are happy we've been blessed with her, but we are looking for that bond.
2006-09-13 03:04:06 · 23 answers · asked by Kelly A 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Newborn & Baby
It's very rare that I can say this...but, I know exactly how you feel. When I had my baby about a year ago, I felt like someone dropped a complete stranger in my lap. How was it possible that I carried this baby inside of me for 38 weeks and then felt no connection to him at all? It really frightened me. First, don't feel guilty about how you feel. Between lack of sleep, the hormonal roller coaster going on inside of you and the major changes to your life, it is no wonder you feel some sense of seperation toward your baby. Give yourself a chance to get to know her, just like you would any new person in your life. If you really are concerned about your feelings, talk with you doctor/midwife or a counselor. I gave myself until my 6 week check-up, I was still not feeling the way I wanted to about new motherhood and my baby, so I spoke with my midwife. After a lot of talking, we decided that I was dealing with postpartum depression. A year later, my baby and I are as close as can be!
I really can't say it enough, don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself, and your baby, some time to get used to your new worlds. Listen to your heart and trust yourself...and, trust your baby. Good luck to you and your new family.
2006-09-13 03:14:48 · answer #1 · answered by anv 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter!
Everyone is different. While your bonding experience may be what is normal for you, I agree that you should check into postpartum depression, just to make sure that's not a factor.
Maybe you have an unrealistic expectation of how being "bonded" feels? Sometimes we get this idealized picture in our minds of how something is going to be, but then the reality isn't the same. Bonding *can be* an overwhelming emotional experience, or it can be a quiet, low-key, gentle love and devotion. Either is normal, it depends on your personality whether you are an intense extroverted type or a quieter personality.
Some ideas to foster a closer bond:
Spend time just cuddling with her, looking over her delicate features.
Take a warm relaxing bath together. It might sound a little odd, but my 4 month old and I REALLY enjoyed this when she was teeny tiny. I just held her so that her head was out of the water, but her body was all surrounded by the warm water, like when she was in the womb. She completely relaxed. Read more here:
http://www.gr8birth.com/leboyer_bath.html
I know it says "right after birth" but you can do it anytime.
Wear your baby in a sling
http://www.thebabywearer.com
Babies who are worn close to the mother generally tend to be calmer, happier, etc. Even preemies do better when they receive "kangaroo care" from the parents.
More info:
http://www.nineinnineout.org
I wear my baby in a sling at least some every day, and we both love it. If she's tired and fussy, I can get out the sling and pop her in and she'll settle down to sleep within minutes!
Don't stress over this, because stress will only make you feel worse. Just relax and enjoy your baby. That is the BEST thing you can do!
2006-09-13 11:22:17 · answer #2 · answered by Kathryn A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My son is 3 months old, and we ttc for over 3 years, so I can relate. I've talked to a lot parents about this, and for about 80% of the people I know they did not feel a bond with the child right away. (I read that the term bonding in relation to babies was introduced in the 1970's!) It takes time to develop love just like any other relationship. For me and my husband it started getting much better when the baby became more responsive, which was around 10 weeks. Now he's 13 weeks and he laughs and giggles in response to things we do, so we're starting to see the person in that little body.
Hang in there.
2006-09-13 11:38:22 · answer #3 · answered by tish 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry, everyone proceeds at their own pace. The fact that you tried for so long may be a contributing factor because maybe it feels a little anti-climaactic for you both. As you watch her (and yourselves) grow and develop you will experience your own special brand of bonding. It isn't a 'cookie cutter' process. No two are exactly the same. Just enjoy everything you can about your new family. Plus you are probably exhausted because caring for an infant is hard work! Give it time. Congratulations!
2006-09-13 10:17:03 · answer #4 · answered by ginarene71 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I bonded with my babies before they were born. When I delivered both of them, as soon as I saw them, I cried and they responded to my voice because I talked to them throughout the whole pregnancy.
The bonding process is different for everyone. Maybe during the 4 years of trying, the novelty wore off somewhat or now that she's here, it's not exactly what you thought it would be. Don't try to bond, let it happen when it happens. Most people who try for that much time are ecstatic and can't get enough of their babies. I would consult your OB-GYN at your 6 week appt. to make sure there's no postpartum depression going on.
2006-09-13 12:18:27 · answer #5 · answered by eehco 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Give yourself time. It took time for me to bond with my first son. I was alone all day with this crying little thing that I didn't know what to do with! It will come though. Don't worry about it so much. Once she starts developing her own personality and quirks, you will bond. Right now it is hard because she does not do much yet. I had a horrible battle with post partum depression, but once I talked with my midwife and got the proper medicine everything was better. Postpartum depression is different for everyone, but it can be very sever.
2006-09-13 11:06:02 · answer #6 · answered by torieassa 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it is different for everyone. Some people say it is instantaneous, while it takes others time to form that bond. The baby already has that bond with you; she has had it since she was in your tummy. It took me a while to really bond with my little boy as well. I had a c-section, and some say that has something to do with it. In any event, once you see your little one smile at you...nothing will ever be the same... Once she is a little bit older and you see more of her personality, things will be quite a bit different as well.
2006-09-13 10:18:41 · answer #7 · answered by CB 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's different for everyone. I agree with the mom who suggested you talk it over with your doctor, nurse, or midwife at your 8 week postpartum visit, since it could be the first sign of postpartum depression. Most likely it's not, but it's something to be aware of.
It took me longer with my second and third babies than with my first. Looking back, part of it was that I was more realistic about the demands of caring for a baby. Also, with my first I had my m-in-law close by and she came over every day to help me out. It was wonderful having her there, being able to listen to her advice and share all my fears. With the next two I was on my own and a bit overwhelmed. For them, our bond grew slowly. There was no "lightning strike" moment. But it grew in time to be just as strong as with the first.
My husband had a different experience. He felt really detached with the first one. He says he didn't really bond until the baby was about 5 weeks old and I went back to work part-time. I took the baby to work with me for a couple hours, then my hubby would pick him up at 5pm and take him home. I got home around 8pm. My hubby says that because he was able to have the baby all to himself to feed, bathe, soothe, rock, and cuddle, he felt much more attached. I hear that it's different for different dads, too.
2006-09-13 10:46:58 · answer #8 · answered by Doe 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dont pay attention to those who said "You have a problem" or " it should've happened at birth". thats not true. the BOND can take a while. babies are hard work without an instruction manual so take it easy. lose all of your expectations,go for the short term (which if you are anything like me is extremely difficult). my baby is 4 weeks and i still dont have that ideal bond.
2006-09-13 10:17:50 · answer #9 · answered by Aruna21 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's probley that feeling of having to grow up that is hitting you and it's finalized. you both should be bonded to your child before birth, with birth sealing the bond.
Sometimes some people expect pone thing and end up with another from a new born. It's a little you , just love it and enjoy the bounties a baby.
2006-09-13 10:08:13 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋