My daughter's father and I are no londer together. Besides the fact that he doesn't love me, he is now dating the girl I thought was my best friend. He doesn't pay child support nor does he help with her school (she's 3). I don't want to let him make me bitter and nasty because it will hurt my daughter in the long run but I don't know how else to deal with it. I don't like court which is why I wanted to be able to handle the money situation as adults. This has become a problem though because his priorities are backwards. What should I do?
2006-09-13 02:38:44 · 9 answers · asked by ninalopez19 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
WOW STOP DO NOT GO ANY FURTHER.. i tried what to do what ur asking and suggesting, it doesnt work, with an irresponsible man , and he has already proven that he is.. ur daughter needs u to protect her at all costs and that means even "HURTING" his feelings..doesnt mean u have to be mean but expecting him to go by non-legal agreements is a badddddddd idea.. I KNOW FROM EXPIRENCE.. go to the state.. for 25.00 u can fill out easy forms and the state will go after him for childsupport.. if he doesnt pay them they go after him not u.. they will suspend his drivers license, they will go after tax refunds.. possibly go after his paycheck.. u need to protect her financially , something he obviously doesnt care about of he would be paying u support.. as far as him being "daddy" the best u can do is inform him of things.. but after that u cant force him to be daddy its something he has to be willing to do.. if u dont go after him financially atleast.. ur going to regret it .. and ur daughter will suffer from it.. so stop playing nice, and go get all u can for ur daughter she deserves it.. and she cant fight for herself so she depends on u to do it for her..
2006-09-13 02:45:40 · answer #1 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi, Nina,
While I would not phrase it exactly the same way as the other posters, I am in agreement with them.
I understand you hate the idea of things getting ugly. Conflict is no fun, you don't want anyone to get hurt, and ideally your ex should be willing to support his own child.
Unfortunately, in three years, he was shown disinterest/unwillingness to take responsibility. While people do turn their lives around sometimes, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Chances are unless he is confronted in some way or held accountable, he will continue to let you shoulder the burden.
The fact that he and your ex-"best friend" are together also shows an amount of insensitivity to you and your situation. I doubt he will agree amiably with any requests you make,
I think your attitude is great, in terms of not wanting to teach your daughter to hate her father. He's her dad, even if he's slacking off; and anything you can do to keep things open in the future between them is a good thing.
At the same time, if you need the money for your daughter, then you do need to file for child support. Check with your local courthouse / welfare department (?) on how to go about it.
Things are a little more complicated since it sounds like you were not married. You will still have to have some indication that he is the father of your daughter. A paternity test could determine this, if he denies it; but I'm not sure if he can refuse a test or not. You will need to look into it.
If you feel that you've already asked him and he's refused, you can pursue matters without further discussion. If the thought of that feels wrong to you, while it's not strategically great to warn him about your plans, you are the one who has to live with your feelings -- so maybe you will need to talk to him one last time, first, before filing anything. It's up to you.
Just keep your cool (no matter how he reacts), remember that you are doing this for your daughter, and it's primarily a "logical" decision even if emotionally it doesn't feel too good. It's necessary, so use your empathize to navigate through it causing as little damage as possible. It sounds like you've got a lot of people smarts that way.
2006-09-13 10:05:48 · answer #2 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its never going to get any better the best thing to do would be to go to court have child support court ordered out of his paycheck along with back child support. If he still shows no interest in you daughter then cut off ties between the this will be much healthier for her to not have an inconsistent father in her life instead of having him there and setting her up for a life time of let-downs and disappointments. I have went through the same thing with my sons father and the day my 4 year old said to his dad "please give me a chance daddy, I'll be good i promise please let me come with you." That was the last day I let my son see his father it was really hard for both of us at first but when you child thinks there doing something wrong and that's why there not seeing the other parent it's not right. I am now dating a great guy that loves my son and my kid does ask about his dad and I've let him call him but there's never an answer and never a call back the older he gets the more he understands and hes really OK with it. Its not going to be easy but you will get through it and it will be a healthier life for both of you
2006-09-13 10:01:53 · answer #3 · answered by olw80 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Court is no fun but you want to get the suppprt for your daughter. The best thing is not get angry, its easier than it sounds believe me. If he doesnt visit big deal if he says hes going to be there and doesnt show up, go somewhere with your daughter. Basically dont plan your or your daughters life around this guy. Get the support order and go on about your lives. If you do this you will feel relieved not bitter.
2006-09-13 10:13:14 · answer #4 · answered by arreis 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You want to handle this like an adult then you need to file for support. Why are you so worried about causing a problem with your ex? Your child's needs are #1 and if he's not contributing financially, then the child's needs are not being met. Stop trying to be his friend. Take care of #1...your child!
You can't make this man be a dad, but you can force him to take ownership in a financial way.
2006-09-13 09:51:58 · answer #5 · answered by Royalhinney 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well if you can't get thru to him with calm and rational discussion. Take away his visitation. Something has to work to get thru to him that if he loves his daughter...she should be his top priority...no matter what his relationship status is with you or anyone else...this is all about that little girl. Your friend wasn't your friend to begin with so you've lost nothing in that department...wish them well and don't give it another thought. Be as nice and kind to them as a couple as you possibly can. "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar"... "Keep you friends close and your enemies closer" make those timeless sayings your mantra. If you send her off with them...simply forget things like her nice clothes and shoes for when they're taking her out in public...as a matter of fact...if she's not matching and you didn't do her hair all pretty...he might mention it to you...remind him that the bills don't pay themselves and she could really use the financial support of her father. Keep all of the reciepts for everything you buy for her, clothes, food, toys, meds, Higher power bills for seasonal comfort...everything. Figure out what percentage of those bills his support would have paid. Again, this is all about that baby girl...if you're really struggling for her without his help you shouldn't be sporting accrylic nails, salon hair, high dollar jewelry, name brand clothes, and more shoes than Amelda Marcos. Even if you pay for all of that with your hard earned money, he doesn't need to know how well you're doing. Best wishes to you.
2006-09-13 09:57:48 · answer #6 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are in a very difficult situation. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers.
I think, if possible, you should try nicely asking if he would be willing to be reasonable for the sake of your daughter. If not, the only thing you can do is pursue your rights, while at the same time minimizing the hurt to your daughter.
2006-09-13 09:43:14 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No matter what, he is financially responsible for his daughter. If he choses not to pay, then he's a dead beat dad. Chalk it up to him being another loser and get on with your life. The loss is his, not yours.
2006-09-13 09:46:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
sometimes we have to do things we hate for the best of our children..they are what matters most
2006-09-13 09:41:32 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋