Is it right to stay married for the sake of the children??

Question

I've been married for 11 years I have a wonderful 14 y.o. step-son whom I am very close to and a 10 y.o. daughter...I can't stand my wife, I make believe everything is good at home but I'm so miserable and have been for most of our marriage I just feel so guilty that I would be walking out on my children I let tell everyone I'm happy and put on a smiley face but I'm about ready to break down, my wife is also bi-polor manic she stays on her meds good but there is always that risk of a bad episode it's been almost 2 years since her last one and when she has them it's really bad and I'm afraid I won't be there in case she freaks out again. I've never cheated on her I feel to guilty like I would betray my kids or something. I can't talk about this with anyone I know so I'll ask you all since no one here knows me. Has anyone been through this, if so what did you do and what was the out come, sorry for being so long...... Thanks

Answer 1

Wow. First of all you need a better support group then us crazy fellows on the net, if you know what I mean. There usually support groups in every community for spouses dealing with significant others such as yourself.

Number two, I gotta give it up to you for sticking around. It's would be crazy and easy for me to say leave, but the truth of the matter is, I've never walked in your shoes. However, I do know you need some form of help, bottom line. It doesn't pay to cover up and hide anything in your life for the sake of anyone. This usually comes back in your face later. You need to be honest with yourself , your wife, and especially the kids. If you weren't in such denial, you probably could have went to family counseling years ago, not saying it's to late. They have all sorts of programs set up for that (Free and Med required). But still, it's never to late. Everyone deserves to be happy. Truth is, your not helping anyone by lying to them and yourself. I'm sure your children will love you no matter what. And if you move out, doesn't mean you fell of the face of the earth. But don't leave while everyone is under the empress ion that your happy. That's just wrong. You need to speak up, no matter what, or else you might flip out.

Answer 2

Oh my,I know exactly where you are coming from,first of all,happiness and true love is the goal,if you are not happy,the children can and do detect this whether you realize it or not,I stayed in a marriage once for the sake of my children,what did I learn,I wasnt doing them any favors at all,in fact come to find out,they were as miserable as I was.No matter what you will always be there for the children with or without the wife,you are not walking out on them,doing that would be never seeing them or being in their life,just because you cant be happy with the wife doesnt mean your not happy with the children,you actually will probably be able to offer them much more in a happier enviroment.YOU and only you can make the choice,do you want to live the rest of your life like this? or do you want happiness,love and joy for you and your children,best of luck

Answer 3

Listen..theres no right or wrong answer to your question.First of all you must know that kids can tell when their parents are happy and when they're not.Theres no way your kids havent figured it out[that there are problems between you and their mom].Its also unfair to them for you and your wife to keep putting on this charade of happiness..cause its a lie!Your kids are older now and they will understand.You are not the first and will not be the last parents to split up.Make sure they understand that you'll be there for them NO MATTER what happens.And finally,its very unfair for you to be in a marriage where you are so unhappy.Sooner or later your kids will be out of the house..then what?You cant stay with a woman you're not in love with.Im sure you're a great dad and its great that you havent cheated on your wife even though you have no feelings for her.You're an honest man,and deserve a better life.Start making some changes.You gotta think of yourself too.I am a kid of divorced parents.I turned out fine.I have so much love from both parents that its overflowing.Good luck with that!

Answer 4

My parents divorced when I was 14 but had been separated for a year. I actually felt okay with it because by then I was really really close to my Dad but had gotten used to him not being there everyday. I was glad not to hear them argue when they thought we were sleep and couldn't hear them from downstairs. BUT ~ IT WAS HARD on my 3 younger siblings and to this day they have issues and that was over 20 years ago. I've never been one for any sort of conflict. My brother I think would've rather had Dad around no matter what. My Mom surely has lived with more peace and contentment, my Dad on the other hand always wanted to get it back together even though he was the one constantly doing all the dirt and not Mom.

I am sorry that it hasn't worked, especially with the both of you remaining faithful.

I guess you can say I've been through it ~ on the KIDS end. Hope that helps.

Answer 5

It would be a devastating time in your daughter's development to leave her with a mother who is so potentially unstable. The boy will have his abandonment issues double-dipped. Terrible for both.

Is there any way you could arrange a vacation of at least two weeks' duration without the rest of the family? Fishing trip with buddies? Rotary club function? Probably the idea would go over like a turd in a punchbowl, but that could potentially accomplish a couple of things:

*Give you time to sort out how you feel being away from them, and let you see how they handle that situation.

*Set her off again, and make it easier for you to leave, but you would definitely want to take the kids along with you for safety's sake while she was in the manic phase. If the kids see you leave the family unit while she is on her best behavior, they will have lots more trouble with that than if she is in one of her scary and dangerous times. The more volitile she is, the more they will understand your decision. Kind of heartless to think about setting her up, but better for the children in the long run.

Have you given any thought to asking for at least joint if not full custody of the children? If the boy is step, you may have no rights in his custody. How are you going to insure their safety if you are not there?

It is wearisome and soul-gnawing to carry this kind of knowledge around and not act on it. If possible, you might want to go to a counsellor, preferably a family counsellor, to walk you through this in such a way as to minimize the damage to the children's psyches.

In the meantime, if you should decide to stay for a while longer, busy yourself with service to others. Deliver meals for the home bound, throw a hammer for Habitat for Humanity. Answer phones at the public television fundraiser. All those activities will get you in touch with others and you can get connected with more "normal" people. It will also make you feel better about yourself and the situation in general. Exercise, a lot. The endorphins or whatever else goes on biochemically really helps calm and clarify the mental processes.

Best wishes in this. Keep the children safe and healthy!

Answer 6

I'd say no...it's YOUR life at the end of the day.... Sounds a bit selfish i know but you've got to be cruel to be kind, right?
The kids are going to grow, leave home..what then, you'll look back on your life when you're old and grey and regret not having done it sooner, when you were young enough to 'have' a life..The kids will get over it , it might not be fair on them now, kids can pick up on all sorts of things, they probably already know there's a problem in your relationship....
I married my ex husband too young, we had two kids, i discovered that i didn't love him any more, that we'd grown apart, i tryed everything to make it work....I used to feel so depressed inside, but always put on an act, as though i just couldn't be myself....One day i plucked up the courage to finally DO something about it..it was the hardest thing i ever did in my life..he was very hurt, as he still loved me.....4 years down the line and i'm happy now with my 'compatiable' partner, the kids are fine...Go with your instincts..Do what's best for YOU...Good Luck!

Answer 7

No you should NOT stay married because of the children. Speaking from personal experience my parents did that for me and my sisters and in the end it made my life miserable, not to mention that's a bad example for the children, do you want them to think that when they get married and settle down that it's ok to be unhappy? You just need to make sure that the kids know that it isn't their fault and that you will still be around for them. Good luck and hope all goes well, but don't sacrifice happiness, life is too short.

Answer 8

well, you've been with your wife for 11 years... is it really that bad ? ..

as for staying in a marriage for the sake of the children.. no... I don't believe it's right... but after this long it's a bit hard to explain.. you obvioulsy have spent a good part of your life with your wife.. so why now ?!

maybe you need counselling... before doing anything.... you think you might have it bad at home.. but if you've been there for 11 years.. it's obviously not that bad.. and remember could be worst out there !...

if after counselling you really don't want to be in that marriage anymore.. well fine, leave.. but you can't expect your wife to give you custody of the chidlren.. so you'll be seeing them every other week like most fathers do.. is that what you want ?.. is it that bad that you want to risk not seeing your children very often ? anyways.. just think about it.. and counselling always helps..

good luck to you

Answer 9

i dont think that you should stay together for the sake of the children because then they might end up thinking that the reason you are unhappy is because of them. My parents have been through bad times recently and i am at the point where i now am just waiting and hoping for the day they finally finish there relationship because it will make everyones life better. My advise would be to get a divorce but try to stay friends as it will then be easy for the children to keep a good relationship with both parents.

Answer 10

I'm sorry, never been in this situation, but if you and your wife are fighting that is going to damage your children. My parents are divorced and though it can be hard sometimes (like I want to see my dad but cant), but I would rather have it this way than have them living in the same house and fighting. And even if you and your wife get divorced but that doesnt mean that you will lose your kids, there is no reason why they couldnt stay with you, you may be suprised, they might want to live with you anyway... Just let them know that you love them and will always be there for them... Good luck I hope everything goes well!