MY WIFE AND I HAD A TYPICAL MARRIAGE, AND WERE HAPPY(I THOUGHT) A YEAR AGO ON OUR 18TH ANNIVERSARY SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS LEAVING, SHE MOVED IN WITH A"GIRL" HALF HER AGE, I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HER AND HAVE MET HER ONCE. OUR BOYS LIVE WITH ME,SHE HAS A WHOLE NEW LIFE , NEW FRIENDS, AND DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT, SHE WAS A LOVING MOTHER AND WIFE, SHE BARELY EVEN CALLS HOME ANYMORE, AND ONLY TALKS TO HER BOYS ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH. WE ARE IN DANGER OF LOSING OUR HOME, AND I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING TO GET HER TO SEE WHAT A MISTAKE SHE IS MAKING. SHE HAD A BOOB JOB 1 YR BEFORE SHE LEFT, NOW SHE RUNS WIYH THE 20 SOMETHING CROWD, SHE IS 39 HER ROOMMATE IS 22. WE HAVE 2 BOYS 19 & 17, I LOVE HER AND ALWAYS HAVE. SHE HAS STEADFASTLY DENIED ANY AFFAIR, WE HAVE NOT HAD SEX SINCE SHE LEFT. I AM NOT STUPID BUT I WANT TO BELIEVE HER BUT I DON'T.I'M DESPERATELY, AND HOPLESSLY LOST TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO A ONCE SENSIBLE WOMAN, TO JUST UP AND LEAVE HER ENTIRE LIFE, WHY AND HOW?
2006-09-12 21:38:43 · 24 answers · asked by colesscamaro 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Seems that she wants to escape all responsibility...now that she can, since the kids are fairly grown. Also...she might be afraid of the fact that she is aging...thus the hanging out with kids not much older than her own.
I think you should just remain supportive of her, but at the same time don't waste your time obsessing over it. I'm sure it is very difficult, but you cant really do anything else at the moment. Maybe she is finally living out the life she didn't have the chance to when she was younger, or maybe she misses the very thing!
You sound very loving and understanding to me...do just that, remain faithful...that is the sanctity of marriage...if she does return to reality and wants you back not only will she appreciate you immensely for sticking by her, but you will be overjoyed that you stayed true to her.
2006-09-12 21:50:54 · answer #1 · answered by Patience 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look at it in the bigger picture. Human evolutionary psychology did not prepare us to live this long. Parents only need live long enough to get their children to the point of self-sufficiency for the species to survive.
Current culture has evolved into something quite different. It is expected that people will stay with the same person for a lifetime, regardless of how unrewarding it is to the persons emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically. We even go so far as to semi-require this in religious ritual ceremonies.
You and she had been in a rut so deep for so long, you could not even see that there were other possibilites. She saw, and she selected other possibilites. At this point, there is little you can do to reverse her decision. Liquidate your assets before you have to declare bankruptcy. Sell the house, downsize, get some counselling to help you and the boys through this.
She may or may not every change her mind and want to return. She will however, respect you more if you are able to get through this in a mature way, make wise financial decisions, and continue to be a good father. You will respect yourself more also.
Life does not always turn out the way we hoped or expected. It is difficult to be learning this life lesson, writ large, at an age where you thought you were on the other side of the learning curve, but you can do it, for yourself and for your children.
Do not deny yourself the opportunity to fully and thoroughly grieve this important loss in your life. The turmoil factor in your life is enormous right now, and the ability to sit down and talk to someone in confidence is what is so helpful about counselling. Just a human to human, getting it off your chest type thing is very therapeutic. You are not crazy, just a normal person, responding to a crisis situation.
2006-09-12 22:08:27 · answer #2 · answered by finaldx 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry for your loss.
It happens often that a woman tries to tell the husband that she needs him, not his long hours at work or a perfect yard. Men feel they are the bread earner and that that in itself shows love and commitment. Meanwhile a woman feels drained without what she needs and an empty nest isn't going to help.
I left my X shortly before the empty nest. He told people he had NO idea I would leave. Yah......he did. And I got tired of giving and giving until nothing was left.
She is most likely exhausted from being a parent and wife where she gave her all and ended up empty because she gave way too much. She probably shut down and is in surrival mode. She has had the life sucked out of her and she is frantically trying to disconver herself again.
Sensible or not, she had reasons and like a lot of guys they don't hear the warning signs or the pleads for intimacy & a relationship that feeds her and not suck the life out of her.
About running with young ones....She is probably holding on to her youth and trying to capture her past. It is sad.
It sounds like there are huge issues that she felt were never addressed and she had to leave or have a breakdown.
You might just need to start your life over again. Hopefully learning from what happened. Have you tried counseling?
I have a feeling that it is way too late. Sorry
2006-09-12 21:52:14 · answer #3 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bad situation. You obviously got married pretty young. My best friend (Nyla), her husbands (Max) brother Todd has just finished going through the same deal. Todd and Charlene (the wife) were married young and had 3 kids and adopted one. They were married for 18-20 years (not sure exactly how many). Charlene went crazy, I am a woman saying this. She was always the perfect mother and perfect wife. She lost it and started hanging out with teenagers and doing drugs. Nothing that anyone that knew here would ever expect. Todd has an excellent job, a job that many dream of - Charlene left a home that was bringing in $400,000.00 a year. Over the last few months she has broke free from the drugs, but she still needs a fix from the younger life. She hangs out with her oldest son's friends. It's sad really. She didn't have a chance to be herself before her life started.
Didn't mean to tell you a story about someone else, but, I think it may be your wife after all these years trying to break free.
2006-09-12 21:59:51 · answer #4 · answered by dolphinroc 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Was there a time when she got to go party? I am thinking that she is 39 and is now realizing that she missed her life. And the kids getting ready to leave doesn't help things. During this time, you should be supportive of her choices. Don't run her down or make fun of her or even yell at her. If she denies an affair believe her. Her going out and having fun probably doesn't have much to do with sex as just having fun and feeling young. Give her some time and talk to her.
2006-09-13 00:49:17 · answer #5 · answered by Amy Renee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Surprisingly, many women do what your wife did. Maybe she is gay. Moreover she is going through a stage in life where she is attempting to find what she lost when she got married. Many women leave and even divorce and a year or two later want to get back together. Please do not make her feel pressured. That will only make things worse. The only thing to do is to leave her alone and live making your children a happy home. Do not start conversations about her to your children. You should sell your home and find something less expensive and affordable. Do not put more stress on yourself nor your children. Remember, your children are morning as you are for the loss of their mother. Concentrate on them and enjoy what your wife left. You should feel blessed that you are the one left with the blessings and she is the one left with what? Join a support group
2006-09-12 22:00:07 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well maybe it is because you keep insulting her choices?
If she left she left for a reason. She may have been sticking around for the kids sake and couldnt take it any more. She probably feels like she missed out on her youth having to take care of a bunch of kids and didnt get to do the things she is doing now.
If you are going to loose your home it is you losing the home not her she moved out!
you are going to have to get over it as much as im sure it sucks and hurts.
she wasnt happy so let her go. Im sure you will beable to find someone else if you want to.
Im currently going through something similar but not the same at all. Seperations and divorces suck!
good luck with it
2006-09-12 21:44:37 · answer #7 · answered by knowitall 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She has been harboring this for a long time. Either she was really good at keeping it hidden or you just didn't see it coming. At this point, there is really nothing you can do at your end but wait. Sooner or later she will get tired of her fun (and that's exactly what it is) and she'll want to come back because she will have no where else to go. It will be up to you as to whether you can trust her enough to stay put.
2006-09-12 21:45:59 · answer #8 · answered by Ray 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Like you rightly said you "thought", just maybe she was only putting all that up in order to make it work , she felt 'well she had sacrifice all , it now for her to be happy,believe you me you have been the one that has been enjoyin the marrige not her.
She is definitely missing something, she has not been speaking to you all along, it show that she is really angry deep in her subconcious and she needed a break, she might not neccessary be havin an affair she just want to chill out , hang out with younger generation and be happy.
if you truly love her dont condem her, give her a break, maybe for a month or two and start been friend to her friends , love her,respect her feeling and aspirations,itrust her,its your turn to make sacrifices, show that you care and mix with the people she mixes with , You will surely get to the root of the matter and EVERYTHING WILL BE WHOLE AGAIN. She had always love you.IT YOUR TURN
2006-09-12 21:53:46 · answer #9 · answered by Master of the Game 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No one here can tell you why your wife left. Something had to happen for her to leave. Maybe she has not been happy for a long time and you were to busy with work or what not to notice. Maybe she was just waiting for the boys to come of age to up and leave. My heart goes out to you, you sound like a wonderful man. I would say at this point let her go and move on with your life or you are going to drive yourself nuts. She doesnt sound that wonderful to me if she only calls the boys twice a month. good luck to you.
2006-09-12 22:50:42 · answer #10 · answered by JAYNE C 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋