As a homosexual or a bisexual, do you wish for children that aren't straight?

Question

My girlfriend does. We're going to get married and have children and tra-la-la. All that jazz. She wants our son, Michael, to be gay. She really REALLY wants him to be gay. And I've told her I think it's wrong to hope your children are gay. With homophobia and the way people act towards homosexuals why would you wish that on your child?

It's not that I find homosexuality to be wrong. Obviously, lesbian here. It's that I find homophobia wrong and I find it wrong to want to thrust someone into a world filled with that.

Obviously, if I have a gay son or daughter I will love them. I would even if I were straight.

I just want to know if this is common. I read a Post Secret postcard where someone wrote "I will be disappointed if my children are straight" and it reminded me of my girlfriend.

Am I wrong for not wanting my kids to be gay?

Just for the record, my girlfriend is not trying to force my son to be gay. She wants it. No more, no less. I want a new pair of shoes.

Answer 1

No, you're not wrong. The important thing is that your children are healthy & happy, regardless of their sexual orientation. It's also important that you not be disappointed in your children because of their sexual orientation -the only reason to be disappointed in them would be if they turned out to be hardened criminals.

Answer 2

I really enjoyed reading the answers on here to your question. I know there have been studies done on the GAY gene and so on, but most researchers in my field agree with Freud's theory that children are born polymorphously perverse and this means that are born asexual leaving it up to the environment to mold sexuality. Being gay myself and working with adults and youth, the stories and studies are all the same....MOST kids that did not have a stable father figure (or were abused) between the ages of 2-6 [which are the years of sexual development] are likely to be homosexual. If you want a gay child, raise that child around nothing but female influence - time has told, the stories are numerous, and as far as i'm concerned the case is closed. My partner and I adopted a boy and girl. My requirement was that the children be over 6, but not over 12.... i'm not ready for teenagers just yet. I am not worried about the influence we will have on our kids because we stress to them how important individualism is, but how it is equally important to be a productive member of society - goths, hippies, all counterculture products seem to all fit into a category of rebellion against consistent, idealistic upbringing - we didn't want this.
I will close now, I could go on forever - you asked a good question. If I can be of any help, feel free to contact me.
Kind Regards, CB

Answer 3

As a gay father and grandfather, I answered this question in my web site. Keep in mind that I didn't come out until my kids were teenagers.
Quote;
QUESTION: What would you say and how do you think you would react, if one of your children had 'come out' to you that they were Gay or Lesbian?

First, I think my reaction would depend a great deal on whether it happened before or after I had come out. I would have many feelings, and none of them would be joy. If it happened when they were younger and I had not come out to them yet, my first reaction would be of utter dismay. As a Father, I always wanted the best and a happy life for my kids, and being gay was certainly not the easiest way to achieve a happy and settled life in the 60's. However, I, of course, would support and show my love for the one concerned. (and try not to ask 'Are you sure?)
However if the news came after I had come out, the dismay and sadness would still be there, but I would also have guilt thrown in with my feelings. Did I over glamourize Gay Life in trying to show them that I was happy and end up convincing them that it was a desireable life? Of course that is the Father thinking. Later, after I had a good cry alone in my room, the Gay me, would realize that it just doesn't work that way, and I would start to plan ahead to ensure that the son or daughter concerned has all my support and love to get through the rough spots ahead. They would also see however, that one can find complete peace and happiness by using myself and my partner as examples.
Unquote;

I must say that I find it upsetting that some of you hope that your offspring turn out to be gay. Why would you want your children to be subjected to a life where they are not accepted on an equal basis by most of the population. Or are your wishes a result of your own selfishness. You don't deserve children any more than the parents who disown their gay son or daughter.

Answer 4

Part of me can understand your girlfriend's point of view.

I would be afraid that I wouldn't be very good at raising a heterosexual child. I don't have much experience being heterosexual... and what little bit I do is just pretending to be heterosexual.

I know one thing... I would be better at raising a straight child than my straight parents were at raising a homosexual child. I would at least try. My parents just insisted that I wasn't gay and that if I tried hard enough, prayed hard enough, and found the right girl, I would be straight.

No matter what sexual orientation a child is, he/she is a gift. A parent must understand the responsibility of not just teaching a child about life... but allowing the child to learn.

I think that as long as your girlfriend doesn't try to "make" your son gay it doesn't really matter. Many parents want one gender or another yet raise the child successfully even though it turned out to be a different gender than they wanted.

Nobody wants their children to be the victim of society's prejudices. Not even your girlfriend. This just may be the result of her not feeling adequate to raise a child who is hetero. Doesn't mean that she would love him/her any less.

Answer 5

I think you both are thinking things for the wrong reasons.

It is just plain weird that your girlfriend wants your son to be gay that badly. I worry that since 90-95% of the population is staight that she is setting herself up for disapointment and setting your son up for one hell of a difficult life. SInce he will probably not be gay, and she will be riding him to be gay, she is no better then a straight parent riding their gay kid be straight.

On the other hand, what kind of f*cked up self hating crap is this "it is so hard to be gay, I would never want my kid to go through that"? Because that sounds just as crazy as your girlfriend insisting that she be able to mix and match a child like he was a bloody pair of sneakers to pick out at a store instead of a member of the human condition. If you can't be perfectly happy and supportive at the idea that your kid could be gay, I think you need to speak to somoene about your own issues. There is nothing worse then a self-loathing queer. Not to mention there is a sense of outright silliness of a lesbian claiming "gay is ok for me but not good enough for thee". If that is your attitude towards your kid, said kid is going to end up really messed up. Hippocracy is never a positive parenting technique.

But anyway, the question was, are you wrong for not wanting your kids to be gay and the answer is a big fat hell YES. There is something very very wrong about it. There is also something very very wrong about your girl insisting that the kid should be gay. I think that you two both sound very immature and you should definately hold off on actually inflicting your craziness on any actual children until you have talked to a qualified gay-affirming mental health professional about your issues.

Answer 6

One day my boyfriend and I would like to adopt, (plus my boyfriend's mother keeps pestering us about when she's going to be a grandmother!) and I've thought about what our child's sexuality would be. At some level, I'd love for him or her to turn out to be gay, but I'd feel that people would say that we made him or her gay in someway . There's also the same fears that you have about homophobia. But ultimately I think it just comes down to the free will of the child. If they're gay, I'll support them (of course) and if they're straight I'll support them too. I think to be disappointed either way, is a terrible thing. Just keep in mind that if you do have a gay child, they're in a much better position than most of us were with straight parents. But the odds are in the favor (90%) that your kid will turn out to be straight.

Answer 7

It can be potentially...stressful to build up those kinds of expectations. There was a study done that showed that new parents whose child didn't match the sex that the parents were expecting ended up with worse relationships with that same child down the road in adolescence. Moral of the story: leave some mystery to your kids; try to keep realistic expectations.

I will say that we're in a minority group that is somewhat unique in that we don't tend to share this trait with our family. An ethnic minority, for example, is usually a member of a family with like people: people with similar experiences etc. (Not always: there is adoption and such). With us, that's almost never the case: my parents, though they're doing their best to try, will probably never actually know what it's like to be gay. There is something about wanting to be able to share that experience with your child; I don't think that's a terrible thing to want.

Answer 8

No you are not wrong, a parent wants their child to be happy and safe. In our world,( my god just look at the hatred on this simple little Yahoo answers), its easy to be terrified that harm will come to our children. But the world isn't a closet and you can't hide there and be happy.

However, its not right to raise your children to be one sexuality or the other. You raised them with unconditional love and that means whatever their sexuality is, you accept it and them. You also are supportive, if you have a straight child, you have the responsibility to help them with their sexuality education, same as if they are gay.

My ex and I are both bisexual, and prefer our same gender. We have twin daughters, one of whom is bisexual. The other is the straightest human being I have ever met in my life and always was. You don't get to choose when you have children.

Answer 9

It is perfectly normal to feel that way now, with the way homophobic society treats us gay people. You want what's best for your children, and right now it would seem that being straight is just a lot easier.

I also want to have children (adopted) one day, and I secretly hope they will be gay, but I will love them even if they are straight. They will be my children and they deserve love no matter what. But I would also hope that by the time I do have children, that society will be more accepting to homosexuality.

Answer 10

no, you are right. Your lady is just reversing the same error committed by straight parents. She is putting unrealistic expectations on the child when what she should be doing is supporting him one hundred percent. He can only be what he is, there is no way that he can be anything else.

I raised two boys, whom I love, more than you can possibly imagine. I didn't get them until their early teens, but they were and are my sons. Both never had a gay thought in their life, and I never considered that they should. I only considered that they were my boys and I loved them, and they should be who they were and are.

I hope that you two don't fight about it, but I hope that she comes to recognize that her desire for Michael is simply her own insecurity, just as a straight parent's desire for Michael to be straight would be the same.

Our prayers (and in Jonathan's case, invocations) with both of you.

Kind thoughts,

Reynolds Jones
[e-mail]
Justice service Albany: http://www.rebuff.org/justice

Answer 11

Keep in mind the hope that maybe by the time your kids are grown, homophobia won't be as prevalent as it is now.

(For the record, I'm straight and I'd love to have gay kids, but I think that's because...well...this is silly, but I really don't know any straight people. Even my significant other is bi. I don't really know what to do with straight people anymore.)