How do i choose which side to take?

Question

My mother and father are divorced and i am the only child. they have been divorced since i was 9months old i am now 21 so i know no other life. But recently i've been stuck in the middle of all there fights and its making me look really bad. one minute i'm on my fathers side then i am on my mothers side. but i don't want to choose a side because i know it will hurt the other parent but my mother is so conniving and she treats my father very poorly even though they are divorced he is still my father. my mother and i don't get along very well ourself and my father sometimes treats me like ****. its like im all alone. but i love my father to death would do anything to please him.. my mother on the hand i'm afraid of disappointing her but sometimes i could care less what she thinks. how can i make things right so im loved by both my parents?

Answer 1

My parents were divorced before I was born and I'm also 21. They don't talk often unless it has to do with me and/or my sister. I love them both to death. I don't have a close relation with them as I wish I did. I can't talk to my mom about certain things and vice-versa with my dad. This created a large gap bewteen us. I'm stuck between two worlds. I know how you feel. Your parents will always love you so use your voice and tell them to stop bringing you into this. It shouldn't have to involve you at all. Remember it's not your fault they are separated so don't feel guilty.
One trick I learned is not to mention your other half to the other. If my dad upsets me I don't tell my mom. If my mom upsets me I don't tell my dad.

Answer 2

The only way to change the situation is for you to change. Stop talking to them. Make the decisions you need to for your own life, and then inform them after you have made your choice. I have seen too many children forced to play monkey in the middle (the children are well past 21 years old). Stop playing the game. So what if your mother is disappointed, you can't live your life to please her. As for your father, he needs to love you just as you are. Parents often come around and start behaving better once they realize that you are serious about being treated the way you want, and that you won't put up with their mind games.

Answer 3

I know how you feel my parents divorced when i was very young and the hole time growing up i felt that i had to choose between my mother and my father. Now that i am 24 i have figured out that i shouldnt talk to either one of them aobut the other it only causes more stress. When one of them bring up the other i change the subject or say you know i would much rather talk aobut something else it usually helps. Your parents shouldnt make you feel bad for loveing the other they need to remember that at one point in thier lives they did love one another otherwise they wouldnt of had you or been married.

Answer 4

There's a wonderful book that I bought for my daughter,
"Above the Clouds: A Reunion of Father and Son," by Jonathan Bach (son of Richard Bach, author of "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" and "Illusions, the Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah"). I implore you to please get this book. Please do yourself a favor and you will NEVER regret reading it. It was written by the son of divorced parents and it talks about what all children of divorced parents experience but in a way that makes a lot of sense and you will not set out to blame but to forgive the mistakes of your parents and you will understand them better.

Unfortunately, my daughter chose to close me out of her life because I refused to explain myself to her demands of knowing why her mother and I broke up (which involved lies on the part of her aunt, my ex-sister-in-law); I refuse to defend myself, and I refuse to say things that will cause her hurt since she has been lied to by her family that have made me out to be the villain (yet the neighbors still don't think so) and after 7 lengthy letters, she never responded. I'm afraid that she will realize the truth one day, after I am dead and she will have to live with her guilt.

Right now, do yourself a favor, they both love you and have had their own problems and emotional distress to deal with and have also had all sorts of guilt and fault (yes, both) but that does not concern you... it's not anything for you to want to get involved with and they should not involve you, either. So, what I would suggest is that you speak to them individually and let them know that you do not want to hear any bad talk about the other parent and you do not wish to be used as a pawn in their disagreements and problems. Be firm and be consistent with both. The minute they start using emotional blackmail, walk out and return a few hours later.

You are now old enough to make this demand. But, tell them BOTH know that it does not mean that you love each less. Stay neutral regards of who was at fault... because you will NEVER, EVER really know the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the whole the truth, it's impossible. Understand that the level of their acrimony is equal to the intense and immense love they once shared... it is nothing more than unresolved emotions that they were too immature to handle and resolve. It is THEIR problem, and it is your responsibility is to love them both equally... they are struggling and fighting like children for your love and attention.

PLEASE go out of your way and borrow the book from the library or buy it or do whatever it is you must do to read this book; you will treasure it for many years to come. Read it and you will remember the lesson for the rest of you life AND you will be a far better person for it, I promise you!

Answer 5

I feel for ya, sweetie. I've had this same problem for years. But I'm an adult now and so are you. The best thing I've learned is to stay as nuetral as I can. Me and my brother were both caught in the middle of many, many of our parent's fights and while he has taken my mom's side, I refuse to take sides. It's ridiculous and it has to stop. The best thing you can do is try to focus on your own life and priorities and not so much on your parent's squabbles, as hard as it is. Then your parents will realize that they shouldn't involve you in their fights and hopefully, they'll chill out a little bit . Good luck and take care of yourself, sweetie.

Answer 6

Don't take sides
Listen to what they have to say without giving any judgment
And just stay neutral
Just tell them both how much you love them and that you are there to listen
But you do not want to take any sides
You are grown up now and you have to concentrate on your own life.

Love & Blessings
Milly

Answer 7

Why dont you just dont side anyone of them. Im having this problem, and i start with siding the right one. But somethings I dont know who is right or wrong. So i just stop siding. Just listen when they talk and say something bad abt the other party and dont give any suggestion. If they ask for one, just say you dont know. You wont hurt any party by saying you dont know. Hope this help.

Answer 8

1) Mr. Heart Says: Tell them to BOTH go to hell. The one that comes back and apologizes for putting you in this tough situation is the one who you will side with from then on.

2) Mrs. Heart Says: Having been in this kind of a situation, I want to recommend something very important: DROP ALL YOUR EMOTIONAL EMPHASIS ON GETTING YOUR PARENTS TO LOVE YOU.

As much as it seems like a cliche, you really need to buck up and start to love yourself. Surround yourself with others that love you too--REALLY love you.

Also, when talking to my parents, I found it best to say non-committal things like, "How strange..." or "Wow, that's amazing." The big hint: NEVER TAKE SIDES. Diffuse the issue as much as possible, but realize that their failed marriage is exactly that: THEIR FAILED MARRIAGE, not yours.

Answer 9

Do not side with either of them, because neither of them is absolutely right.
Let them know that you do not wish to be pulled into their fights because they are giving you a lot of stress. Since you love both of them, their fights are a result of your sleepless nights!
Tell this to them sincerely in both their presence and then give them an ultimatum that if they continue their fights and involve you, you will have no choice but to leave them and have nothing to do with them. You have to be firm, otherwise your threat will not work!

Answer 10

dear cocoapuff,both parents love you very much.they just have a lot of unresolved issues.one day soon.they would have to face their demons and then they would be able to go on with their lives.but before then you have to assert your Independence.i hope you are old enough to take care of yourself.shed all the 20 yrs or so of guilt trips.unfortunately you grew up but they did not.write to both of them and tell them how much you love them and let them know that their behavior is upsetting to you.let them know you are going to stay away from both of them till they learn to be civil or learn to stay away from each other.be strong.