how to save my marriage what do i do i need some help?

Question

my wife and i have been married almost 7 yrs separated now for almost months we been staying to gether on weekends living apart during the week.A big issue we have is we dont have kids together we tried but our luck wasnt with us we couldnt conceive im 39 she is going to be 49 she wants a kid together so we have some sort ofa thing together that is both of ours she has kids from previous marriage but they are grown. i feel she is to old for a baby and she wants to travel and stuff but its not likely if we have a kid or baby around if we adopt. if we adopt by the time the kid is 20 she will be 70 and me 60 i feel its going to be a financial burden and i feel where we live doesnt help things because the cost of living is so expensive there is no way i feel we could start living our life together enjoying life especially if we have a young kid around. i accepted it because not everyone is lucky enough to have a child we tried and it just didnt happen what could i do to save my marriage

Answer 1

Have you though about adopting an older child? maybe 7-10 they are still young and will be around at least another 8-10 years satisfying your wife's wanting for a child, it won't cost you as much for baby needs, diapers, bottles, formula etc. The child is also old enough to travel a bit to see some sights for that need. And you will not have to worry about your wife's health in actually giving birth. You will not be as old when they reach 20 so you can still cherish that time with them. Of course communicating all of this with your wife will be a big step. It is up to you and your wife what all the possibilities are and how you would evaluate each one.

Answer 2

A couple of thoughts -- not sure if useful.

1) If all that is holding your marriage together -- or apart -- is this, then you are in a dangerous position indeed.
2) In a way, it's really her decision whether or not to have kids. She could get a sperm donor, etc. etc. What part of the decision is still yours is what you can or can't do about it. You can accept it an feel you are making an unappreciated sacrifice, or you can reject it and feel like you are denying her something she really wants. Or you can tell her what you told yahoo. good start, that one.
3) Forget what will happen in 20 years. It's 20 years from now. Live NOW.

You have to decide what you want that life to be like. Is being with your wife, through thick and thin, more important than "having a little fun before you're too old" more important? I know that's tougher than it sounds.

FYI, I'm 45. I'm still trying to decide. I didn't know at 39, and i doubt I will know at 49. I have decided that some personal things, though important, can wait a few years. Some I feel I need to do now, and those I tell my wife about -- she's been loving and sympathetic and has truly encouraged me to do those things -- if they are all-important to me.

The best recommendation i can make is this: talk to your wife... don't let the issue of kids get in the way. If you're just giving her a kid to make her happy, it's not going to make anyone happy. give her a husband and father who will not resent raising a child with her and watching it grow up together.

peace

Answer 3

Having a baby now would be a huge huge mistake. Biologically speaking, a baby is just supposed to "happen". At 49 she is too old to start trying to have a baby. The probability of there being complications are just too high, if she can get pregnant at all. Women her age are typically beginning menopause, so this may be her "midlife crisis". She may be panicking because she is leaving her childbearing years behind.
As for needing a child that is "both of yours", that's a load of crap. It would be different if you two were able to do this 7 years ago, but if you can't concieve "normally" then the financial burden of fertility treatments or adoption will cripple you.

Also, has she even taken into account the feelings of her exsisting children?
My husband's father (55yrs) got remarried a few years ago and his new wife decided that they "needed" a baby together. They then proceeded to spend every cent of their life respected life savings trying to concieve or adopt. When all the money was spent and they had given up, she came up pregnant. So now they have to raise this baby with no money, and he can't retire anytime soon.
My husband and his brothers feel really crappy about all of this because he has never offered any kind of financial help to his children and spent every penny of their inheritence on having this baby. Not to mention the fact that it gives them the distinct impression that they weren't good enough for him.

So, good luck to you. If she's still insisting on this either go with her to a OBGYN and have him tell her she shouldn't have more children, or move on with your life. As you two aren't living together you're halfway there already.

Answer 4

One option you might have without adopting is to foster a child. By fostering, you can take care of a child without the obligation of adoption. Once a family wants to adopt your foster child the child goes to live with the adoption family. This would be a good way to test whether or not a child would be a good idea without the obligation. Children are only a financial burden if you allow them to be. If you teach your child the value of hard work, budgeting and financial discipline, you will not have the financial burden in your senior years. Yes, it's true, I have seen it happen! I would start off by both of you volunteering at a local charity that helps children, the younger the child the better. (Hey, if you adopt, it's going to take up much of your time and no-one's going to pay you, so what's the difference?) If you both feel "warm and fuzzy" from helping the local kids, look into fostering and take it from there. It would be a shame to end the relationship without testing things out. Good luck.

Answer 5

Convince her that you don't need a child together to have a good marriage. Since she already has children, she hasn't missed out on motherhood. It would seem to me that she would want a more leisurely life now that she's 49. Also at her age, the risk factor for pregnancy is very high, not to mention the energy it takes to raise a child. She should remember that. If you can't convince her that your marriage could be complete without another child, then I would say you should move on because she doesn't love you enough to make it work.

Answer 6

Oh boy, that's a tough one. A part of me wants to say she's using you to be a father for her child, but I don't know. A much larger part of me thinks that as a nearly menopausal woman she is worried about growing old alone and want s to feel younger with a young child and keeping you as well. But why? Does she really love you and want to make this work? Or is she wanting a daddy? I strongly suggest the two of you going for couples counselling and see if the more important issues of why you broke up in the first place can be solved before you do something as big as trying to raise a child.

Answer 7

I'm sorry for your situation. I do agree with all your points about having another member in the family being quite a burden. However, your wife might not understand it. She's 49, and it's risky for her to get pregnant at this age. If she won't listen to you, suggest for a second opinion from a doctor or family planning group or something. Sometimes, we shut our ears when people close to us are trying to tell us something, but when it comes out from another person, we listen. Share your financial burden with her too, work out the finance with her step by step, she should understand the pressure.

Answer 8

She needs to realize that her time for having babies is over. I know she must miss it, and she might really want one, but you are right. She is too old.

Maybe you could talk her into doing foster care? Maybe adopting an older child? It is sad that people always want to adopt a baby instead of a child. The older children need homes and families too.

Answer 9

49 is old for a woman to have a baby it is possible but with the health risks and complications not worth it for the child or mother. Adoption isn't that hard to do at your age?

Why don't you try talking to her about how you love her and maybe get a beautiful puppy together or sponsor kids overseas that you can visit one day to see how you changed their lives..

This shouldn't ruin your marriage....it should strengthen it.

Answer 10

I agree with you not saying you two are old but yes you are to old to be parents. She should be thinking of retiring and having fun without having children. If she has kids from a previous marriage she can already be or will be a grandma. Why not enjoy the grandkids? She is not thinking logically.