My wife (of 3 years) and I just moved back to her hometown, about 6 months ago. A couple of weeks later her ex-boyfriend from highschool, and his wife moved back as well. We soon became friends and the four of us always hung out together.
To make a long story short, I found some letters that they had written back and forth to each other confessing their feelings. They have been physical with each other on 2 different occasions. I've already confronted both of them and they told me they already decided to stop before the confrontation.
My wife seems genuinly sorry, but I can't help but think what might have happened if I hadn't found those letters.
Please Help!
2006-09-12 16:52:24 · 37 answers · asked by Mr. Smith 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Trust her. Give her another chance. We all make mistakes, even huge ones, but most of us relize the stupidity of those mistakes. I cheated on my husband...twice w/ the same guy. I stopped things after that, and my husband and I are still trying to build trust... He gave me another chance, tho. I relized the stupidity and that I just want my husband, which is why I married him. Perhaps she relized there's a reason why he's an ex-boyfriend...and that she married you and still wants to be w/ you!
2006-09-12 16:59:14 · answer #1 · answered by breaker_1020 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Trust in a marriage is SO important that once it's broken, it will take an extremely long time to get it back. For some, not at all. I can't tell u whether u can trust her again or not as this is going to be all up to u and your capacity to forgive. I don't blame u if u decide it's over but if u decide to forgive her and work on your relationship, u shouldn't throw this affair in her face again, just to use it as leverage against her. This doesn't mean that u will ever forget what happened and it will always be in the back of your mind. If she is not doing her part to help u gain your trust again, it will even be harder for u to recover from it.
The best thing to do is to take some time alone to think about what your next step is. Most likely right now u are acting on emotion and impulse and are probably not thinking clearly. When the clouds clear, then u make your first move. No one can tell u what to do in this case as this is YOUR life. Nobody can live it for u. U will be solely responsible for your own decisions and its consequences so decide wisely.
2006-09-12 17:20:59 · answer #2 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What would have happened if you hadn't found those letters? Well, if you believe your wife, nothing - because they had already decided they made a dreadful mistake.
But your other question is, can you trust your wife again? Only you can decide that, because it's as much about your values and feelings as about her behaviour. If you're the kind of person who would never dream of cheating, even if you were unhappy, then you'll have a hard time ever trusting her again. On the other hand if you can understand why it might have happened, then maybe you will forgive her.
My advice would be, give it some time - but for Heaven's sake, don't even think of starting a family until you feel sure you have got over this. If you finally split up, you don't want a child to suffer for it.
2006-09-12 16:59:57 · answer #3 · answered by Kylie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that with the currcumstances i don't think that you will ever be able to trust her again. even though they have both told you that they decided to stop their actions you still know that they have feelings for each other. and these probably wont stop and you'll get caught up with this again.
i go on a saying.. "once a cheater, always a cheater"
In the end its all going to be up to you on whether you decide to trust her again. but for your own good i wouldn't give in so quickly because more than likely i feel that she will do it again and you will just be hurt more.
this isn't something that can easy be forgotten and trust me you'll never forget. you'll never forget the feeling that you felt when you found out what has been happening. I think you should find in yourself your feelings for her and if you have any single doubt that she will do it again (which sorry, but i think she will) then you should go with your instincts and not give her the trust that you once had. this is just from experience. i think with some help that other options may appear.
But seriously i think you and your wife should seriously consider possible marriage counseling and talk through the issues that have been developed and maybe there is hope for your marriage and a good chance that this will bring you guys closer and you'll have a better relationship.
just remember you both have to be open with each other cumminication is the number one thing that any relationship has to have in order to be sucessful... good luck i hope things work out for you
2006-09-12 17:46:56 · answer #4 · answered by ♥ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She has really put you into a tight position. First off, maybe the two of you have to stop hanging out with the other couple just so things aren't awkward between the three of you. Tell her that she's going to need to gain your trust...she's given you all reason to not trust her now. Did you ask her why she even hung onto these letters? Did she think you wouldn't find them? Ask her if they were planning on acting on those feelings, you deserve the truth about that. They said they ended things before you found out anyhow. Give her a shot to prove herself and if she screws up again it may be time to move on. I really feel for you and I hope everything works out.
Good Luck.
2006-09-12 17:02:34 · answer #5 · answered by makeitclap23 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
trust me i have been in the same situation as you i was married for 16 years and now moved on the best thing is i don't have to lie back in bed at night and wonder what she has been up to.
the bad thing is for me i had 4 kids to this ***** and now i have moved on in my life the kids are starting to ask question about there mum and i.
i tell the kids the truth in what had happen in our marriage now my oldest son is 15years of age he is living with me and my partner now and the other kids are not that far behind him,
the best thing that you could is get out now while you still have a little respect for each other, if you stay with her you will always have your doubts about her if you have kids it just make things harder and you would be there for all the wrong reasons.
if you cannot be honest to yourself you wouldn't be honest to anyone else.
it may hurt for a while but as time pasts you become a stronger and better person from it.
once a cheater all ways a cheater a relationship is built on trust , communication, and respect if you lose any one of the its all over.
i can tell you now I'm left to pick up the broken pieces that my ex wife has dump on the kids.so please be true to yourself and ask yourself what do you really want in your marriage.
all the best good luck hope this helps you and life is not meant to be easy take care.
2006-09-12 18:24:48 · answer #6 · answered by mackaxxx 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Once trust is lost it will take a very long time if ever to gain it back again. Even if you move to another state you are always going to worry about where she is at and what she is doing. If she loved you she would not have done it. She manipulated you into believing it was just a friendship going out all four of you she must really be a two face who disrespected you. Who knows if she will do it again. You have to really think about what you want and what your expectations are going to be from now on. Nobody deserves to be betrayed and disrespected like she did to you , unless you have done it to her???? If you have not done anything to disrespect her then she is going to have to work really hard to prove her so called love to you. You should ask her what she would do if you were to do the same to her. Be strong and good luck.
2006-09-12 17:19:55 · answer #7 · answered by estrella 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Would you ever cheat on her? Probably not. You deserve to be with someone who will treat you the way you treat them!!! This is not acceptable behaviour. Since it did happen more then once, then it was something she'd thought about, not just an "in the moment mistake". Plus they confessed their feelings for each other in the letters. Do you want to be married to someone who is in love with someone else? I wouldn't. If I were you I'd cut my losses and move on. The right lady for you must still be out there waiting for you. I'm sorry, this must be the hardest decision you've ever had to make, and either way it won't be easy. Best of luck.
2006-09-12 17:01:24 · answer #8 · answered by Miss Suki 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Almost everyone thinks of sex with their ex - but those who sneak around trying to set something up is definitely a different situation. If you have children - move out of this hometown of hers and insist on no contact with this ex boyfriend or you will fight her for custody of the children. If you do not have children move out now. Tell her that she needs to make a choice (you or him) - if she chooses you, she must agree to never contact him again. You must also be strong enough to forgive and forget the best you can. Having it loom in your brain or erode the trust you have in her will hurt the relationship as much as her possible cheating would have done. Best of luck - i know it's a bad situation and i feel for you. Be strong.
2006-09-12 17:04:13 · answer #9 · answered by lalo m 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really love your wife and honestly think you will be able to forgive her then do that. However, you have to ensure that she understand she is NEVER allowed to speak to or see her ex again. If you don't be a bit firm she will see you as a soft cok and she will realise that she can walk all over you and will keep doing it. If she agrees never to see or speak to her ex you have to keep up your part of the bargain and never bring up the issue again in fights etc let it lie.
If she is ever found speaking/seeing her ex you have to break it off with her.
Don't bother thinking about what would have happened if you handn't've found the letters its not productive and you will never know.
2006-09-12 16:58:49 · answer #10 · answered by Knowitall 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As hard as it sounds, you have to try and trust her. Yes, she needs to build that trust--and she will--one day at a time--, but you need to take a step in faith. If she chose to stop the relationship, it was because loosing you was too high of a price to pay, and she wised up, and broke it off. She will be a more dedicated wife, now knowing that she was at the brink of loosing you. She won't make that same mistake again. However, if you rake her over the coals constantly over the issue, and can't let it die, she'll end up leaving you just to keep her sanity.
2006-09-12 17:57:31 · answer #11 · answered by thanos 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋