So your married ,does this mean you give up your individuality?

Question

Where is the middle ground?
How much does either person have to change to fit what the other wants?
Religion,politics ,employment,friends ,where to live and how. Stuff like that.

Answer 1

Some of the points you're bringing up are big ones that need to be addressed before marriage. Religion is HUGE. If you're from different backgrounds (say Islam and Catholic) there are bound to be differences. This is something that needs to be worked out before you take your vows. Politics, well, most of the time, people of different parties just agree to disagree and leave it at that. The more responsible, mature ones can discuss hot issues without having a blow-up, but again, this is something to be ironed out before nuptials.

As for losing one's individuality, that is completely false. You should still have your own hobbies, interests, etc. BUT, your spouse might want to share your time and therein lies the rub.
Often, people find themselves resentful of having to give up their personal time with their friends, internet/X-Box/Nintendo games, etc, in order to be fair to the spouse. When things become too much, fights occur. The smart ones learn how much to give and take, the dumb ones simply stumble through blindly until on day their spouse leaves for good.

You have to learn to balance EVERYTHING: shopping, housework, work schedules, kids, outside and personal activities, etc. The key is negotiation, open dialogue and compromise.
No marriage is going to be perfect. If there's not a willing TEAM in the marriage, it will be doomed to failure. You must work to make marriage work!

Answer 2

In a good marriage each individual compliments the other with thier individuality...

Changes should be minimal suh as putting the toothpaste tube on after use, and repalcing the toilet paper roll (still working on getting hubby to do this after 10 years I am gonna settle for on the counter above the holder it's improvement on thrown back under the sink when he gets what he needs) Not drinking out of the milk carton ... that sort of thing...

Religion, politics, and living arrangements should all have been hammered out in the preengagement/engagement phase not after marriage... Most spouses dislike a few of the other spouses friends but accept them as part of thier spouses life... Friends who are disliked usually drift away in the first year or two of marriage and are only heard from in an annual christmas card at most anyway...

When two people get married they need to be marrying the person who is what they love not the lump of clay they believe they can mold into that person...

Answer 3

Just like a baseball team (or any other team sport) is a collective unit working toward one common goal, so is a marriage. Also like a baseball team, this collective unit is made of 25 different, unique personalities. A marriage is made of two different & unique personalities as well. I don't claim to know the key to a happy marriage, but I'm happily married, and I have never had to give up ANY aspect of my personality, nor have I wanted my wife to give up any of hers. I married this woman, already knowing her faults, and she knew mine as well. When it's all said and done, her good qualities far outweigh her bad ones, and none of her bad ones are bad enough that I can't deal with them. Personally, I don't think a lot of couples stop and think about this before they get married. They seem to think either the person will change, or THEY will be able to change the person. If you get married with that idea in mind, it will probably lead to a failed, miserable marriage. That being said, I know I have changed a lot since I got married (5 and a half years ago, and I'm 34 now), but I changed over a period of time. My wife has changed also. YOU WILL change when you get married, but you should never feel as though you HAVE to change. All this, including the rest of your question regarding religion, politics, employment, etc., should be discussed LONG before you get married. Again, I really don't believe most people think ahead about these things. Marriage takes planning and preparation. I think people say to themselves, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." That won't work unless you have found & married someone that believes EVERY SINGLE THING that you believe. I've been around 34 years, and I haven't met anybody like that yet. I'd probably be terrified of them if I did.

Answer 4

If a person has to change to fit what the other wants, then that person is not what the other wants to begin with. Marriage is a partnership, not an ownership. Sure, there are adjustments to make. You are now sharing your life with another person. But that doesn't mean you should become someone altogether different. Remember, she is adjusting as well. Decisions should be made together. It should be an agreement, not a command. You apparently love each other, else you would not be married. But trust and respect are the keys to a successful relationship on any terms. Good luck.

Answer 5

I think that in some way you give up everything you ever were. You have to start from scratch and begin to build things with someone else. I have been married for 1yr and a half and that has been difficult for me.

I love the person I have become and I dont care to change a thing about myself. I often why did he marry me if he wanted someone so completely different. It is actually really crazy cause he is wht and myself blk. Our families want different things for us and we have grown up with such different priorities.

He is also in the military and no one loses their identity like a military spouse. I live in a different state, i dont know anyone, had to finish school here, and my husband has been deployed. I dont know who I am right now, but I know that I hate the person I am becoming.

But then I think this is all a growing process .... odd thing is I have been 5'4 for years...(I had to be sarcastic)

Answer 6

Marriage is a series of compromises. Neither person should have to give up their identity. It's OK to have some separate interests. My best friend & I were on opposite sides in politics, even to the point of not speaking for a week or two, but he was still my best friend. My mate likes car racing which I hate. He goes to a race once a year. I tried it twice, but never again, but I'll pack for him to enjoy the weekend. We have disagreements about his friends & even some of his family. I won't see one of his friends nor one of his relatives again. The rest I get along with or can tolerate. Hope this helps. Religion can be a tough one if one of you has extreme opinions about it. Especially if you have kids.

Answer 7

i dont think either should have to change at all. if you fall in love with the person, you fall in love with all of who they are, not just the parts that you like and expect to change the others. if the person changes for the relationship they do it on thier own because its best for the relationship and because they love you. i still believe women and men should have different roles. i would love to be a wife again. i take pride in cooking, cleaning, having dinner on the table when the man gets home, giving baths and backrubs and taking care of any other needs he has. i know, i know, men arent looking for that anymore, they all want a woman who works a job and brings home an income. being a true housewife is much more rewarding!

Answer 8

When you get married you love each other for who you already are and what you are. If you bought a Picaso painting, hung it on the wall and in time decided to change the painting with your own colors and art, it would not be a Picaso, right? Worthless, right? So do not change who you are and do not make your other half change either unless you have suddenly taken on other things that were originally not involved when you met, if so, then talk them out and go from there.

Answer 9

this feeling of loss of one's individuality purely happens while women folk do no longer create their own lives beforehand starting to be better halves. There are 2 human beings in a marriage with a million objective...no longer 2 people who've grow to be a million. there's a difference. 2 those with a feeling of self can efficiently make contributions to a minimum of one yet another's happiness devoid of dropping themselves and their individuality. I definitely adore being married to my husband. he's my chum, my lover, my existence better half....yet i'm a woman with a powerful occupation, with acquaintances I quite have females' night out with, with pursuits outdoors of my marriage. There must be stability. i may well be a individual devoid of my husband....in spite of the incontrovertible fact that this is constructive being in a marriage besides.

Answer 10

Let me guess....she's asleep in the other room while you ask this, right?
You should have settled this BEFORE you got married. After she sets the hook the woman feels like a man should just whip out his manhood and hack it off with a rusty cleaver. You exist soley to do her bidding from then on; your hobbies, opinions, tastes and upper brain functions become hers (along with all the money and the decor of 'your' (ha!) home). It is only a matter of time after that that she will become restless and start riding that emotional rollercoaster -- then it's "what are you thinking?" "why don't you talk to me?" "who would you marry if I died?" "which one of my friends would you sleep with if I were never born?".
Do yourself a BIG favor -- set the tone RIGHT NOW and NEVER, EVER under any circumstance answer any of those questions. (oh, she'll ask....she'll ask.)