I am not in love with my husband any more...?

Question

I have told him, but he refuses to accept it. We have had a very rocky 6 years, so it is not surprising, I think. I do love and care about him and it hurts me to be this way toward him, but it is how I feel. I have gone out of my way, in my opinion, to try and save our marraige and only began to give up late last year when he decided he didn't love me anymore, thought I was disgusting and would not touch me for about 2 months...I think it just hurt too bad. The times that I have told him I was leaving, he has threatened blackmail. He has been abusive on and off and is very immature, but seems to be making a huge effort now. I don't know what to do anymore - I do not feel comfortable acting as his wife. I am so confused.

Answer 1

It seems to me that you have already done a bit of soul-searching of your own, which as a result leaves you to think or believe that the torch you once held so dear in your for him has burnt-out! Oh well, like most anything else ...feelings too do "change" sometimes. However , the fact of the matter that you have within yourself fully faced & accepted your unfortunate change of heart makes it inevitable that you do address the situation and act accordingly ! If you love him no more, then why remain in the relationship or marriage ? Even if to do so merely for the child(ren) sake( if any)... would not be a worthwhile or justifiable e-nuff cause or "excuse". In-fact, remaining in the relationship could perhaps prove to be even more detrimental for the child(ren) , if nothing else ! To constantly see & feel thier mom's heart broken & abused by dad.....could actually have one of the worst "life-long" effects on them . Keep in mind that a Mother's smile is as important ( if not more important) in a child's life then Sunshine it-self !
And , let me also assure you dear woman ; there is absolutely "Nothing" confusing about having love for a person & yet not being "in-love" with them ! It happens everyday !!
When you get the chance then do closely re-read all that you stated in your question ( and re-run it as often as possible in your own mind )....as a sure confirmation to yourself as to all the right reasons that you should leave him . #1.) You did all you could do to try & save the marriage ( didn't work). #2.) he, himself stopped loving you & showing you love first when he called you "disgusting" & unworthy. #3.) He's Abusive & immature ! What more do you need as warning signs ; for him to purchase you a "wheelchair" just before crippling you for life !
Get out while your own legs can still carry you to the door.

Wishing you well in your decision-making !

Answer 2

Successful marriages all go through these times. The ones that last are the ones that make it through and become better for having made it past the difficult times. Find a GOOD marriage counselor. Immature people who don't understand what a real relationship is about will surely tell you to cut and run, and depending on what you classify as "abuse" that might be the right decision. If he comes home at night and beats you, you should have left long ago. If he is witholding his love and making irritating comments, that not abuse. That's just where you have both failed to meet one another's needs in your marriage, and you are both at fault for letting that happen. But you CAN make it through this, and it will be better than you ever imagined if you are both willing to throw caution to the wind and make it your premier priority for the next 6 months or more until you fix this. Good luck to you. Unfortunately, your love has nothing to do with it. You promised at the altar or before the JP to love even when you didn't feel like loving. Your feelings have anything to do with it. How you behave is what matters. Not where you are, but where are you going to go? Not how you feel but what are you going to do? Not where you've been. You could both tell stories. It doesn't matter. How will you deal with it when you wake up in the morning?

Answer 3

If you don't love him you can't make yourself love him. And as far as blackmail goes it only works if it involves something that could put you in jail. If it's anything else relocate..go stay with a relative or a friend for even a month if you need to make some money to rent a place. I mean relocate to a new city or town where he won't expect you to go. If you have kids then you have a problem since he is probably using the blackmail to threaten you that he will use it to take the kids away.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 4

I am in a similar situation, married for a very rocky 3 years - at times having arguements that end up with "maybe we should go our separate ways" or "it just doesn't feel right" kind of talk. Usually from either he or I or both. We've both been verbally and at times physically abusive to one another (though we could say that we were that way as a reaction to one another) but for SOME REASON (LOVE....crazyhuh) we are still together and don't want to give up.
We both realize we have a lot of healing to do and a lot of learning and growing to do - we're seeking counseling, maybe you should too. Resentment can be like poison to a marriage....if you worked on forgiveness, maybe both of you would have a chance at working it out.

Answer 5

I have a couple of questions. Do you have children? and what is that he has on you to make you stay? His threat of blackmail seems to hold a lot of weight. You have to do what is best for you. You both will only end up hurting each other in the long run. Causing a lot of resentment towards one another. This "thing" that he holds over you, no matter what it is, you have to decide if it is worth you being so miserable. You don't want to look back over your life and have a bunch of "if", "would of", "could of", and "should of" running around. Make your life worth living and if leaving him is that than you need to decide one way or the other. It is up to you, don't give him power over your life. Only Christ should have that. Good Luck.

Answer 6

I'm sorry that you have felt so much pain. I believe that your marriage could be closer and more intimate than ever before if each of you chooses to truthfully look at the hurt that has transpired and forgive one another from the heart. Hardest thing in the world to do, yes, but well worth it. Definitely find a solid counselor to keep your husband accountable to someone for his actions toward you. I sincerely hope that you both can find peace and the love that brought you together in the beginning.

Answer 7

If you have kids, try to work it out. You will have to associate with him until you or the kids die. There is no such thing as good shared custody. The kids hate it. I know people 35 years old who are still affected by their parents divorcing when they were 7. Go to a good counselor, hopefully associated with a religious institution, even if you aren't religious. Other counselors have a tendancy to promote the "do what feels good." Studies show that in 3-5 years you will be happier than those who divorced.
If you don't have kids, get out before you do.

Answer 8

Life is too short to stay in a marriage with someone who is not making you happy and who is not happy with you.
If there are children involved, don't stay "for the children" because children who have to live in a family life where there is nothing but hate, contempt and anger are more unhappy than those who can see their parents separately in a calm and happy situation...and alot of parents who are divorced get along alot better than when they were married, and as I used to tell alot of my clients when I worked at a Domestic Violence Shelter......
Divorces are no more final that marriages are. I have seen alot of couples get back together several years down the line and re-marry and have a wonderful life.
But, you must live for today and live for yourself.
Blackmail is just a word...just like Possessiveness...Jealousy....Control.................don't let him threaten you with it.
Get back your self-esteem and do whatever you have to do to get it back.
GOOD LUCK!!!!

Answer 9

If he doesn't love you anymore, and you don't love him anymore, and no matter what you can't get it to work out, its time to get out of that relationship. It is too hard on you to be thinking this way - its not healthy.

Don't let him threaten you. There are too many true-story movies about women in abusive (physical as well as emotional) relationships that are too scared to do anything about it. Seek professional help - there are many people out there who are on your side and can help you - and maybe you should even consider a restraining order if you fear this guy!

Bottom line: DON'T LET HIM BULLY YOU INTO BACKING OUT OF YOUR DECISION!

Answer 10

seek therapy for yourself and then see if he will join. my husband and i have been through it all and we held on for some reason and made it thus far. we are much more mature and in a better place than the first 6 years. either hold on and seek help or let go and move on. by the way we have been married 15 years