As you lay in sleep.
I saw the chart
of artery and vien
running from your heart,
plain as the strength
marked upon the leaf
Along the length,
Mortal and brief,
of your gaunt hand.
I saw it clear:
The wiry brand
of the life we bear
Mapped like great
Rivers that rise
Beyond our fate
And distant from our eyes.
2006-09-12 12:25:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
EXCELLENT!!!!!
2006-09-12 12:29:19 · answer #1 · answered by Judith O 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It lacks punch and uses a lot of words to say not much. Is it essentially about the lifelines on a person's hand and their connotations? The effect you have aimed for with the disjoint rhyming is not clear enough to be effective. If you found a point to unify the rest of the poem, something conclusive and meaningful to draw it all together at the end, it might be quite good. It's not atrocious, which is a surprise.
2006-09-13 01:02:37 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
being honest, i think its pretty bland. You should keep trying but dont try to make something rhyme; work from within your soul and describe it, it doesnt have to rhyme
If you dont believe me, read The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S Eliot; one of the most amazing poets ever, possibly the most amazing one. I am a poet. I would know. =)...boob
2006-09-12 21:03:59 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I also think it is very good, in many ways, but wonder where it leads? It seems to be describing a situation that will have an outcome, but leaves us wondering what that outcome will be. Is there more to it?
2006-09-12 20:37:50 · answer #4 · answered by haroldpohl2000 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well Done.
This poem is eerily gothic & makes me think of Edgar Allan Poe.
Best of luck to you.
2006-09-12 19:45:18 · answer #5 · answered by Testika Filch Milquetoast 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this is nicely done and written. This is nice way to use different things to mean something else. Nicely done. I also write poetry and this one is a keeper. ;-)
2006-09-12 19:28:56 · answer #6 · answered by Queen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yo, that'z a tight poem, dawg! Great job!
2006-09-12 19:30:38 · answer #7 · answered by sinista_def 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Congratulations!!!!!! It is an excellent Poem.
2006-09-12 20:03:42 · answer #8 · answered by cobrasnake 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's so interesting.
2006-09-12 19:31:27 · answer #9 · answered by beez 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its really cool. do you want to be a doctor?
2006-09-12 19:31:07 · answer #10 · answered by Cshores 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its deep
2006-09-12 19:32:26 · answer #11 · answered by butterfly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋