Criticisms? Suggestions?

Question

Will you please critique my poem and tell me what you think...I want to get better.

HERE

This ground so unfamiliar
No stone I leave unturned
You've warned me of the danger
You'd think I would have learned

My heart out on the table
Apprehension on the side
Don't know if I am able
So to myself I've lied

Running around in circles
The damage never done
The demons and the devils
All have a little fun

I've lost almost all control
My mind never at rest
My heart with a gaping hole
Unmendable at best

So many time's I've wandered
From whomever I should be
Too many times bewildered
But I have been set free

Take this daggar from my hands
I'm what I fear the most
Though these wrists still bound by bands
I know I am not lost

I'm leaning towards the answer from "Drew" as best...but only if he can explain himself. It was good criticism...but I need to know what about my writing I can change or improve on to better my writing and become more confident.

Answer 1

It's the sort of poem produced by people who don't read much poetry. It reads like the lyrics to a song.

That said, it's not bad for what it is.

Other people have made some technical criticisms, like spelling and such, to which I'll add that it changes meter partway through. It starts out in iambic ABAB form with A being seven syllables and B six; then at "I've lost almost all control," it starts switching to and back from trochaic meter. It's a bit jarring, or at least it was to me.

Beyond things of this nature, a more serious criticism is that the poem is uneconomical and vague. The use of language is imprecise. Although it appears to be intensely personal, which I think is its redeeming virtue as a piece of poesy, it is composed largely of general metaphors which, when examined, are not terribly revealing. For a poem which does successfully make use of metaphor to reveal a deeper truth that interests the poet, read W.B. Yeats' "The Second Coming," which you can find online here:
http://www.poetseers.org/nobel_prize_for_literature/william_b_yeats/library/the_second_coming/

Note how he has constructed very specific metaphors with deep resonances in mythology, and then let them develop and interact. Your metaphors -- running around in circles, for example -- are interesting, but disconnected from one another. Your heart on the table ought probably to be connected somehow to your heart with a gaping hole in it, but to me they feel like two completely seperate instances of a heart metaphor.

In general, part of the beauty of poetry as an enterprise is that, because most poems are so short, the author can refine and pare down his or her thoughts until there is nothing extraneous. Every single word and punctuation mark of a well-written poem carries meaning for the careful reader. My sense, as a reader, is that you haven't invested the kind of effort in thinking about the formation of your poem that I am prepared to put into reading it.

Some examples:
Who is "you" in the first stanza? Me, the reader? Some other acquantaince or character? What is your relationship to "you"?

Why does the sense of place evaporate after the first stanza? The metaphor or narrative conceit of wandering into dangerous territory is a good one, but the poem abruptly switches from external danger to internal self-deception.

The ambiguity about your newfound freedom has the potential to be a rewarding part of the poem, but as it stands it is simply frustrating. Why are you now free? Why aren't you lost? The poem doesn't even give the reader straws to grasp at, which makes it unsatisfying as a narrative.

Ok, enough of that. Like I said, it's pretty good for a poem that sounds like a song. It might even be a pretty good song. But my impression is that you're unaccustomed to reading poetry, and hence writing it a little bit carelessly. Except for a few genius poets out there, writing good poetry is hard work.

Answer 2

It's really good, my best suggestion to you would be to incorporate some punctuation to direct the reader on how you want your poem to flow. Very well done. I'm not sure how old you are, but you've got the basic foundation to create. Now all you need is the classes, and experience to polish that skill and you will create beauty.

Oh and George, you have no right to even answer this question as you obviously have not a thing to offer her other than "it sucks". I can only imagine the worthless garbage you would spew if you attempted to create anything...

Answer 3

On the technical side, daggar is misspelled.
some time's should have no apostrophe.
Try "I've lost 'most all control"

Subjectively, you started strong (excellent 2nd paragraph) but lost me in the middle. No crescendo for me. Good draft.

Answer 4

it is a good poem, but it would be better if it didnt rhyme so much. if u only have 1 pair of rhyming words in each stanza it would sound better. just a suggestion, dont take it personally

Answer 5

Your poem could have been written about me! It is beautiful. You have laid your soul bare. I wish you fast healing that you may share this beautiful gift with the world.

Answer 6

There's one thing I noticed, WHERE ARE YOUR PUNCTUATION MARKS? You'd make your reader lose his or her breath because he doesn't know where to stop. You could have at least employed a period every after a stanza.

Answer 7

No stone I leave unturned
(i think "No stone is left unturned)

Running around in circles
(i think, "Running 'round in circles"

So many time's I've wandered
(i think, "So many times I've wandered)

:) good job

Answer 8

it might sound alright as lyrics to a heavy metal band

Answer 9

sounds DELIGHTFUL, you forgot to add, the point ,,ah! just add JAMAICAN RUM, AND Cuban CIGARS.,, and the fact that you send FIDEL CASTRO smoke signals for HELP..

Answer 10

Hon, it's deeeep. good job!!!

A+