I have been with my boyfriend for two years and I am slowly falling apart. He has such a mean streak to him when something is said he doesn't want to hear and is irritated with me in second for the littlest thing. He was abused as a child mentally and mom took the divorce out on him. I dont know if that relates to why he does what he does to me. He disrepects me by calling me names, not being interested in me, or by playing mind games. He even puts down women drivers, says most girls are dumb, and everyone is an idiot!! He is very well educated and left another state to be with me a year and a half ago because he said he couldn't be without me. I don't think there is someone else because he has always been like this and its the same pattern. He will be great for weeks and then something will set him off and he picks me to take his crap out on me. You may ask why I am with him..its because the man I fell in love with was different and now Im in it emotionally. Hes not on drugs.
2006-09-12 11:03:24 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Hi,
It sounds to me like he is some anger inside of him, possibly from his upbringing. I couldn't be with someone who disrespected me by calling me names. Even with a bad upbringing, you grow up and become an adult and choose how to act. I would tell him how much you love him and tell him what he is doing that hurts you and suggest counseling for his anger. You want to separate to see if those things can be worked out, because if you stay in a degrading relationship, you will start to harbor anger and resentment towards him. Tell him you would be willing to seek counseling with him. I will pray he can get his anger out in a more appropriate manner and that you both can work things out so you can be a happy couple again. I wish you all the best.
2006-09-12 11:11:00 · answer #1 · answered by Stephanie F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to tell him that you are not going to put up with his abusive behavior towards you anymore. Tell him that you understand things make him angry and suggest he get some therapy to help cope with his childhood, even tell him that you are willing to go to with him if that will help. I would also say that you appreciate him moving from another state to be with you but unless things change immediately, you don't want to stay together....he's not the same person you fell in love with, it hurts you when he calls you names and disrespects you and this is not the type of relationship you are willing to invest any more time in. I really hope you listen to this advice....my ex husband became like that and it doesn't get better. I wish I would have had more self respect and thought I was more deserving, but it took me to be 30 years old to leave him after 17 years and 3 children later. Now I'm 41,I re-married 1 year ago a man that treats me with so much love & respect and our relationship is better than I could have ever asked for. I've been with him for 7 years and thank God everyday we found eachother. Do yourself a favor...don't settle for less than you deserve!Take care of yourself!
2006-09-12 18:31:47 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have some very good advice given to you on here. Mainly being you have to speak up for yourself and make him aware that although you love him you won't continue to live with that behavior. You deserve better. He probably does love you but has no idea how to be in a healthy relationship. Counseling is a very good idea. The main thing I will stress is not to be silent and just put up with it or make excuses for it. I was in that situation several years ago and I did not stand up for myself. It led to a point where he controlled the relationship and was even more verbally and mentally abusive. It can and will get worse if you don't take steps to stop it and is very hard to get out away from it once it gets that bad. However, if you truly love eachother and he is willing to get help then I do believe it can be overcome. My ex-husband in now in a long term relationship with another woman who never allowed him to behave that way with her, and he is a completely different person. He even apologized to me a few months ago for treating me so badly when we were married- he has realized the difference in himself. And I learned from it also and have never been in that position since.
It can be done -good luck!
2006-09-12 18:35:06 · answer #3 · answered by summer_swimbaby_05 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that it could definitely be a part of his past coming out. If he was never taught to control his anger and his mother verbally abused him then it's a pattern and it will take a lot of work for him to break out of it. He has to know that he has a problem and that he needs to take control of it before it ruins what you two have going. You have to explain to him how you feel when he acts and talks to you in that manner.And that the love isn't the same. If he won't change and get the help he needs I would recommend that you leave the relationship. Good Luck and Take Care
2006-09-12 18:09:47 · answer #4 · answered by smorgan1124 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The advantage you have here is knowing that there is a mental issue here. The disadvantage is that no matter what you know the emotional burden takes it's toll on even the strongest of us. The hardest thing I know is even thinking about hurting him, but think about it like this. If he were on drugs would you excuse his actions because of his past or would you demand that he gets help or else. Demanding is harsh I know; truth is no one can change him but him. You aren't, however, truly loving him if you allow this destructive behavior. Loving Someone truly means making yourself happy and healthy, and staying with this abuse is bringing you to hate you not him. Tell him how you feel and make some demands on you. Take care of you and love yourself as unconditionally as you love him. It's the best you have to offer him. The trouble is he probably truly does love you and doesn't really feel the way he acts. Your task is to show him what truly loving someone healthy is; Loving yourself.
2006-09-12 18:13:23 · answer #5 · answered by earthmothermoon 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs help now and yes, so do you.
Something has happened somewhere along the line and you will pay a very dear price for it.
As for you getting help-To stay in an abusive relationship is not healthy and you need to ask yourself why you are doing it. You seem to care for the person you once knew and are feeding off the past-past is gone and even if he does get help it still will never be the same. Best to step back now before words turn to other things.
2006-09-12 18:10:42 · answer #6 · answered by dragon 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly how you feel, my boyfriend is the exact way we've been together a little over two years. I don't think his past has anything to do with the way he treats you. You just need to stand up for yourself and don't let him disrespect you or tell you something you don't believe. He is just acting out because he wants the attention, ignore it or confront him about it and tell him that you don't want to hear about how crappy everything is unless he can give you an explanation on why he feels that way. My boyfriend doesn't treat me like that anymore, i told him i was going to leave the moment he started to act like an idiot because i shouldn't have to deal with it if he truly loves me.
2006-09-12 18:09:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
u know his behaviour is wrong otherwise u wouldnt b questioning it he may have had problems to deal with in his life but so has everyone sounds like he has depression especially if u can see a pattern repeating.u r being mentally abused and u shouldnt have to deal with mind games because they r exausting u emotionally u have 2 choices either carry on the way u r and b his emotional punch bag or tell him to get help because u cant and wont deal with it anymore and if he really loves u he will get help because he obviously knows he has problems because he has told u about his past tell him this does not excuse his behaviour good luck
2006-09-12 18:15:55 · answer #8 · answered by sarah71397 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well it's Simple he just wants U 2 do as he says or he'll keep doing 2 U as he pleases.His excuse is a poor one I was brought up that way get over it already.Just because he was brought up this way doesn't mean that he has 2 treat people that way if he doesn't get his way then what he beats you & yells at you get rid of him it will just get worse believe me I know what I'm talking about.It sounds like all he wants is pity from you cause of his up bringing give me a break he needs to Grow Up & Fast he's lucky I'm not U cause his butt would of been in Jail already he's a User and Abuser.I'm sure you can find someone who will treat you better then he does.Good Luck
2006-09-12 18:11:03 · answer #9 · answered by sugarbdp1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to him and tell him how you feel and when he puts down women you feel highly offended.Honestly to me he sounds like he is letting some of his true colours show.I know that you have been with him for 2 years,but it can take most people that time to show their true colours when they are in a relationship.I understand that your boyfriend has had it hard in the past emotionally,but that's no excuse to treat you the way he does.If after talking with him and he still doesn't see how you feel or isn't willing to get some help,then your the only one who can decide to stay with him or not.I truly hope that it all works out for you
2006-09-12 18:19:15 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋