Leaving someone for someone you love intensely?

Question

I'm married (12 years now) with two children (11 & 6). I met someone two years ago, and have been having a relationship with her for the last year and a half. I am in love with her very, very much.

My question is whether I should grin and bear my marriage (I am a relatively stoical type) or should I follow my heart and leave and live - I would hope - happily after. What would the childrens' reaction be? Could I ever be happy living with the guilt?

I have always been quite honest about the position with everyone concerned. I have spoken about it with my wife since the relationship started. I have exlained to the children that, were I to leave, it is no reflection on them or on my feelings towards them.

Will the guilt ever leave me? Has anyone firsthand experience of this? How should one do it? Just get on with it and jump or try and keep everyone happy? (I have been trying to do the latter and it doesn't seem to be working.) I am very serious about the woman I want to be with.

Answer 1

So what does your wife say?
I assume she doesn't want you to go, else you wouldn't be asking.
I think you know what you should do, and want us to validate your decision.
I suggest you go to relate. They're professionals, trained to help you work through your feelings.

Answer 2

Men are so stupid. Think about this. What you are saying about this new girl is probably exactly about your wife 12 years ago, and what makes you so sure youd live happily ever after with the new one? What happens 12 years from now should your "happily ever after" marriage ends up in the same boat where you are now?. The guilt never leaves, you just have to learn to live with it just like you will with the mistake youre about to make. Remember, its not having what you want, but wanting what you have. I have helped plenty of people thru a similar situation over the years and only an extreme handful were ever glad they did what you want to do. Majority were very sorry because they were blind and either didnt want or couldnt see that the grass wasnt greener on the other side. Oh they were probably happy for a year or two, but then they were no better off than where they started from, especially with kids involved. So is 12 years worth giving up for the unknown. Your old enough to know better and that you two arent teenagers in love and setting the world on fire. THink about it and good luck

Answer 3

Without going into the matrimonial vows u took with your wife, this is all going to be up to u. I don't know the reasons why u strayed in the first place but if this is what u want to do, at the very least, think it over a million times if u have to. After all, u are throwing away the life u built with your wife and children away for this other woman.

Personally, I don't condone cheating in a marriage because at the very least, u could've gotten a divorce FIRST before hooking up with someone else.

Just make sure that the consequences are something u are willing to live with for the rest of your life because what happens when u find out that the grass is not greener on the other side in the first place? What then?

Answer 4

I learned a saying very recently: "The grass may be greener on the other side but, you still got to mow it". You are married and that is where you priority should be. Hard to tell however, it sounds like married life to you with kids is not all fun and games. In fact it is hard work and that is what's in store for you. Leaving for the other woman may seem exciting but, the guilt trip you now experience about your kids will stay with you for what seems to be forever. I don't know what the situation is with your present wife, if it is a toxic relationship where it is unhealthy for the kids, then the best thing to do is split on the best terms as possible. Remember, you are married and kids are involved. The best effort should be put foward by THE BOTH OF YOU for the kids sake. After they are grown and out of the house, if there is still a problem, the matter can be resolved with less guilt.

Answer 5

Fooled around and fell in love, eh? It's an old story. Let's face some facts...you aren't happy with your marriage, hence the other woman....but get this...just because you get rid of the old relationship does NOT guarantee things will work out well with your mistress...you take a risk no matter what, and it will hurt people, no matter what...so think what is best for your children, since they come first (or they should), and from personal experience, children know when mommy and/or daddy isn't happy...remember that how you handle the situation here and now will speak volumes to your kids, and hopefully help them in life later on in their own relationships...remember how good (if she was indeed good) your wife was/is to you, don't treat her like garbage to be discarded...be respectful and let her know you want her to be happy, too...don't play the old game where it's perfectly ok for you to pursue a new life with someone else and yet deny her the same...maintain your sharing responsibility for the children, don't stop being their father just because you've got a mistress you're interested in living with and/or marrying at some point...As for the guilt, well, we all have made mistakes, we all have things to feel guilty about, but that's just part of the human experience...learn from your mistakes, and let the guilt dissapate with time, as you hopefully seek spiritual peace and fulfillment along your life's journey as well as a new person to share your life with...

Answer 6

It sounds like you've already made up your mind to leave, but are just delaying making the jump because you are scared of hurting the feelings of your family. Surely you are hurting them more by keeping them waiting for your decision, and by staying when they know that you would really prefer to be with someone else. No wonder you can't keep them happy. Personally, I would rather someone just left me, than stay with me and just be 'grinning & bearing' my presence! It must be a horrendous situation for your wife. If you have been in your new relationship for a year and a half, I think this proves that it is not a 'flash in the pan', but the dynamics of this relationship will change once you have left your family. For some people, an affair is with a married man is what they want, as they are getting the benefits of a loving relationship, without all the ties that go with it. I think you need to be sure that this relationship would not sour once it is made more permanent, because then you might regret your decision.
It is impossible to predict your childrens' reactions without knowing their personalities, but I think it would be better for them to see both parents happy apart, than both parents unhappy together. Make sure you see them regularly, and consistently, spend quaity time with them, don't just shower them with presents to try and win them over.
Go with your heart and let everyone mend their lives for the better.

Answer 7

I can say that I have experienced a similar situation first hand when I was a child. My father had a two year affair which ended in a violent divorce betwen my parents.

Although my father and mother sat us down and explained "the facts" as to why they were getting a divorce. It left us with a feeling like the world literally fell out from beneath us and thus we lost all since of security. This not only affected us short term, but I can still fell the aftershock even today (12 year later). Despite intensive psychotherapy for approx. 3 years, my brother and I have both been on and off anti-depressants for years, have trouble in our own close relationships and to this day have strong anger towards our father (I'm not currently speaking to him). As a now married woman, I daily struggle with trust issues (although my husband is a man totally deserving of full trust).

What I am saying is that you need to think about the two children you decided to bring into this world... There total mental and physical health is in your hands and you truly need to consider how a divorce will turn there life upside-down now and forever...

Answer 8

Stay loving and in touch with your children. But staying in a loveless marriage is not the answer. Everyone makes relationship mistakes even to the degree of marrying and having children. You've only one life to live, as hard as it is on others, and perhaps selfish, you have to grab real love with both hands. If you stayed, who would benefit really ? The home would be a farce, you'd be heartbroken, there would not be real love between you and your wife, it would disintegrate sooner or later anyway, go for it, be happy, in the future your wife will probably find her true love and if you stay loving and in contact with your children when they grow up and find love themselves, they'll understand, they'll probably be glad that they didn't come from a home where their mother and father were unhappy with each other, because it's bound to show and kids aren't stupid, they'll feel it.

Answer 9

You're not being fair on anyone here. At the moment everyone loses. Your wife because she knows you don't love her. Your children because they know their parents aren't happy. Your lover because she's not in a stable relationship; and you, because you're not where you want to be or who you want to be with.

It's always tough when kids are involved, but in the long-term it will be far better for them to be in a happy environment rather than a strained environment.

Personally, I think you should follow your heart. Yes, you'll feel guilty but I'm sure you'll do whatever you can to support your family. The guilt will diminish with time and with the realisation that your wife and kids are surviving and probably in a happier place.

Good luck.

Answer 10

Look at it from the view if you leave will your new girlfriend be able to handle the kids at weekends etc As when the children come it will put a huge strain on things i mean you have been behaving like a single man with no baggage.. And you can't know how the kids will react as if the 11yr old kicks of it will rub off on the younger one.. So you could end up with nothing! What is so bad in your marriage that you can't solve. Think carefully...

Answer 11

My husband left me and our children for another woman. But, I am not bitter about it and feel I can comment without taking the too often used 'scorned woman' view.
My view is you only live once and to live in an unhappy or unsatisfying relationship, whether that be marriage or otherwise, is a waste of the time you have in this life.
I found out about my husband's affair and confronted the problem rather than confronting him. We talked at length and came to the conclusion that if one of us was unhappy, then our family would suffer because of it. To cut a long story short, we are all (children included) much happier now that we're apart.
One piece of advice I can give from experience is..... if you are going to separate, do so as amicably as possible. And keep the children in the picture - they are the most important people in any relationship.
It's not an easy decision but I wish you and your family luck and happiness.

**** and to all you bitter people out there, I realise it's difficult to be the one who's been left but.... why would anyone want to hang on to someone who doesn't want to be with them? Life's all too short, make the most of it and find happiness where you can xx