Am I Hurting My Marriage? Sex vs. Hurt Feelings?

Question

Recently I had to quit my job and find something else. I went from a cashier to a housekeeper and I am working 7am to 3:30pm. I am not used to the hours and I am feeling really tired. I am not sure how the winter is going to go with this job and I have got two more weeks to go before I get a check so we will have to make it on my husband's checks for three weeks. My husband seems under a lot of stress and he has been so mean. I have problems I say awful things and I did that again last night I told him I am going to go screw someone else and you should too it might be good for you but I didn't mean it. I have said these things before but never cheated on my husband. I was able to tell him sometimes when he has an erection it feels like it is soft.
He got some lotion last night we was trying to have sex it went down fast he said it was because of what I said that I was going to sleep with someone else what's the deal?

Answer 1

Financial issues is among the top 3 issues a marriage can face. When couples experience problem the first area of the relationship that is affected is the sex.

Hopefully it gets better - until then, try not to say too many things about sleeping with other people. IT will likely happen!

Answer 2

I read your question a few times and I'm not sure if you're asking what's the deal with you or your husband. I'm gonna take a shot here and assume your asking what you should do.

First and foremost, stop the name calling. I have never seen a couple who had a positive relationship call each other names or purposely say something to hurt the other one. Why would you want to hurt the one you love? It sounds like you need to sit down and think why you're being so hateful to him. Why do you even think these horrible thoughts, let alone say them. If it's because your feelings are hurt because he's taking his stress out on you, talk to him about it . . . BUT NOT WHEN HE'S DOING IT. you have to sit and talk when you two are calm and nothing is wrong. And you have to stay calm. You cannot control what he does, but you can control how you respond.

One more thing. Sex is such an intimate thing, there is no possible way you can emotionally open yourself up to someone than sex. This is not something that you can share with your kids, not with your parents, not even your dearest friend. Sex (or the absence of) should never be used as a weapon. It sounds like you don't need a speech saying that you're wrong and should stop . . . because it sounds like you already know that.

My advice is, try not to worry about WHAT he's doing, but more WHY he's doing it. Maybe some empathy on both of your parts can help. Also, talk less and think more. Before you say something, ask yourself how you would feel if he were to say whatever it is you're about to say to him. And lastly, it is never too late to appologize.

Good luck, I hope I helped :)

Answer 3

You need to get past the arguing. This isn't helping anything. There needs to be a partner that can put on the brakes when things start to get out of hand and it doesn't sound like your hubby is up to the task.

Now, mind you, he SHOULD NOT be mean to you at all. You aren't the reason he's having a hard time and he shouldn't be taking anything out on you. But you're not helping the situation by elevating it.

Stop being so mean in response to him. Why do people always feel the need to elevate an argument to the detriment of their relationships I'll never understand.

I think you both need to chill out a little bit - do you have even an afternoon, an evening, where you could get out and spend some time together.

By the way - that think you said to him was really screwed up - I'd be very hurt if my wife said that to me. You should stop doing that.

FP

Answer 4

What you need to do -- sit down on the couch next to him, hold his hand, and say something like this:

"I'm really stressed out from the new work schedule and money problems and everything that's going on, and that plus being tired out made me act mean to you the other night. I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings, you didn't deserve it, and I just snapped. I was wrong, I didn't mean it, and I hope you can forgive me."

Then hug him and kiss him and, well, you get the idea. We all get crabby and grouchy, and sometimes we say things we don't mean. And if nothing else, just bear in mind that apologizing to him sets a good example for some time in the future that he may need to apologize to YOU.

(If it makes you feel any better, my daughter just started working in a bakery, and 7 to 3 is her "late" shift -- some days she has to get there at 5 AM! On the plus side, she gets out at 1 PM those days, but she's too tired to do anything. So you have my sympathy for your new schedule, I know how it can wear you down...)

Answer 5

The deal is....is that your husbands confidence has been damaged. Making negative statements about his sexual performance or his penis has made him insecure about his performance, and his manhood. When men do not perform well or are having problems in the bedroom, it is time to spice things up and have a little fun. I would take all of the pressure off him and pleasure him for a few evenings. Compliment him and if he seems stressed and tired, try a back massage that leads to full body. Kiss him EVERYWHERE and tell him how wonderful and sexy he is. AND DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE GOING TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE, OR TELL HIM TOO!!!! That definetly isn't going to help your love life! APOLOGIZE! Tell him you didn't mean it, that you don't want anyone but him.

Answer 6

So this isn't the first time you've told your husband you're going to sleep with someone else??

You say you didn't mean it .. but did you?

Is this your way of trying to get out of your marriage? It sounds like the type of situation where if you say it often enough your husband may just go ahead and find himself someone else. Of course then you would blame him for cheating and you would be the one smelling all rosy .. or atleast you would think.

You crushed that man's self esteem. That's pretty darn low of you to do so. No wonder he didn't keep his erection. Heck I'm surprised he would even want to be in the same room with you.

I feel sorry for him, really I do because that is no way to treat your husband.

Answer 7

Yeah, you f-ed up. If he is stressed out, it is hard to concentrate. After all, 50% of sex is mental, if he isn't excited enough to stay hard and you tell him you are going to do someone else, no wonder he has problems.

If you want to save your marriage you need to do a couple of things,
1. when you argue, never NEVER bring up past arguments or problems, just argue about what ever the current subject is.

2. Never NEVER go to bed mad. Make up, apologize even if it isn't your fault (so you think)

3. Never NEVER say anything you may regret (as you already have). To quote Winston Churchill :By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.

4. Find out what some of his sexual fantasies/turn ons are (you should already know some) and suprise him.

The best cure for stress and depression is a good night of sex. Plus it's free...

Answer 8

Boy you sure know how to kick a guy when he is down. Why are you being so hateful? You had better find out real soon or you are not going to have any one to pick on.Would you say all the nasty things to your best friend? because you are. I acknowledge you are going thru some difficulties, but you are only making it a lot worse, with your hurtful words. I am surprised that your husband hasn't put you out, count your lucky stars. and tell him you are sorry and what can you do to help make it less stressful. THEN DO IT

Answer 9

i will say that you need to probable leave and destroy up understanding what you recognize, except you imagine that you'll be able to stay at the same time with your husband and function a loveless marriage. you're taking the potential for not looking yet another guy to make you sense the way this different guy does, if he would not leave his spouse. it really is a decision you would possibly want to make, because no individual might want to ought to stay and be unhappy. because you've talked at the same time with your husband and the reality is informed you've a sparkling understand for this guy because he nonetheless needs to make you chuffed. I in basic terms stated this to someone the different day, that some human beings use a courting service and they meet and picture that it really is the only, yet what if the fairly impressive individual would not signal in for a month once you do and also you under no circumstances meet. who's to assert who's the whole for someone except the guy who's searching. complicated, yet then existence might want to be. might want to you stay an staggering existence with the first guy, positive because you probably did not learn about the second one one. i guess it comes right down to creating the whole with a nasty difficulty. i imagine a wedding ceremony counselor is the whole guess, perhaps now to not keep the marriage, yet that could want to really help you both discern out a sturdy answer for the both considered one of you. I do imagine that you adore your husband, yet are as you assert not in love with him, the way a guy and woman might want to be.

Answer 10

It sounds like you both are under a tremendous amount of stress. Finances and stress are always an easy fight picker. It's easy to say mean things when you're fighting, and not really mean them. Anytime you feel like saying those kinds of things to your hubby, you need to leave the room and come back when you are cooled off and talk things out like adults. Yelling, screaming and saying things you don't mean will never fix the situation. And it will only make you feel worse.

He is having a hard time keeping an erection because he is stressed and tired, and why woudl he want to have sex with you when you threaten him with such horrible things? You both need to cool off and TALK things out. A relationship cannot work with out honesty and patience. And fighting like that never helps.

You both need to sit down and talk civally. Try switching roles. Put yourselves in each others places and try to understand the situation from the other person's perspective.

I don't mean to sound rude, but your marriage is never going to work the way it's going. Things need to change. You need to have respect for each other. Love each other. Don't say mean things.

If you cannot make this work you should think about couseling. If you love him and he loves you, you guys will work this out.