I need help!!?

Question

I did a horrible thing to my husband. I cheated on him. I told him because I wanted to be honest and start working on our marriage. He says that he forgives me and I've done so much to save our marriage. I've changed everything about me but I feel like my husband is just taking advantage of me. Before he used to help me with things around the house and with my daughter and now he doesnt do anything. He doesnt wash a single dish or change a single diaper. He took away all access from my credit card and bank account. Also he's really confused. Since I told him what I did he's been fine in the sexual part of our marriage but the other day he told me that he never wants to have sex with me ever again and the times we have had sex he said that he's froced himself to have sex with me. Then about an hour later he tried to have sex with me and I told him no because I don't want him to feel forced to have sex with me. He got mad and said that if he was the other guy I would have. He's confused!

He doesn't know what he wants. He tells me he can't stand the sight of me and then the next minute he's all over me! What should I do? Can anyone give me anykind of advice. I'm really trying my hardest at our marriage but I can only do so much.

Answer 1

let me tell u right now.. it's gonna take a LOT of work, and time, to make this right. and if ur not up to the challenge, u might as well throw in the towel right here and now. =T

the problem is, he loves you. and he wants you. but you are not someone he can trust anymore..and that leads to not respecting you anymore..and that leads to treating you like an Object instead of putting you on a pedestal.

u need to communicate with him. figure out what you expect from yourself, as a WIFE. figure out what you need and want from him, as a HUSBAND. and figure out what you are working towards in ur Marriage. explain to him exactly what u want to do, to make this marriage, and yourself, better. Worthy. Good enough for him, and good enough for yourself. now that means, if he accepts this, that he needs to continue working on his job as well. he can't let his "husband" job go because of his lack of respect for you.. once he does that, both of u are toast. JUST AS when you let go your respect for him by cheating, you are in Deep SH**. therefore, u have to Prove to him that u are Trust Worthy. and that you WANT to be Trust Worthy. ASK HIM what HE expects and wants from you as a wife, from himself as a husband, and from the marriage. if u have similar goals (ie, making this relationships Better, Stronger, Different, MORE trusting, More caring, More loving), then u have a chance. but if he can't see you in that way anymore, more likely than not, you both are in for a Rough time.

so, give yourself a chance to Change, and ask him for that chance to Change. if he can't forgive or accept your efforts, eventually both of you will harbor resentment. being in a relationship takes WORK, and u have to use that Love you have for eachother to fuel yourselves to Constantly learn about each other, and become stronger as a team. let him know you are there, 100% to work on THIS relationship, no one else. you are ready, you need his help. if he accepts this, he will try. and it'll be hard for him , so u have to help him. don't give up until you've done your best to make things right. u will know if he appreciates your efforts or not, or if he can forgive you or not. good luck, and please Change. become a better person...we all can learn from our mistakes, u just have to work that much harder to prove it.

Answer 2

Way to go. You go F some guy and then come home and blab it.
You are correct. He loves you and hates you. You caused it. You took yourself out of your marriage in the first place. You could have put some of that effort into your marriage when he was helpful. Now he doen't help out? You are lucky you did not get hit. I do not blame him a bit for taking charge and taking your access to the money. YOU cannot be trusted to make proper decisions.
You think he's been fine in bed since? Every time you have sex for a while it will become a revenge F for him. That's why he really does not want but does. He figures its the only thing that will keep you around. Again you are correct he is VERY confused.
His mind cannot reconcile why the mother of his children and his love is such a whore and would inflict such pain on him, probably out of the blue. At this point you deserve everything that happens to you. If he is taking advantage you deserve it. You took major advantage of him. Not only did you cheat you came home and told him. The" I wanted to be honest" line is a bunch of crap. You wanted to come home and let him know that some other guy will do you if he doesn't. Its that or you wanted to push your guilt off. Your honesty is just BS. It has nothing to do with working on your marriage. It is just about you. Right now he has NO respect for you. You don't deserve any. You need to tell him what a mistake it was ( if you believe that) , that it will NEVER happen again and what you will do if you start thinking that way again. At that point his mind will tell you to stay ( maybe) but his heart will require a lot more time. This is the result of your infidelity. Now you know why this crap is so destructive. You screwed up all over. It started with leaving the marriage to feed your ego/esteem. You then had to tell for whatever reason. It s not yet ended, with you being upset at his reaction. Deal with it if you want to stay married or move out.

Answer 3

You made two mistakes, sweetie: First you cheated, then you blabbed to clear your conscious and hoped he'd be all lovey-dovey, and tell you it's okay, and kiss you and make you feel better. Sorry. You should have just shut the hell up, and lived with it. Marriages work when there is passion, admiration, respect and trust. YOU betrayed your vows, and that, honey IS a big deal.... When you blow the trust, the other three sorta disintegrate all around your ears. (And they are, aren't they? He is treating you like $hit---you betrayed the most sacred of human bonding -- marriage---- He has about every right to flush you, and the marriage..... You are lucky he even is there!!!!! You are lucky he isn't just flat repulsed at having sex with you....... (In fact, the sex is probably okay, but he will be a loooooooooong time making LOVE to you....... In your place, since he is there, you both had better get into marriage counseling if you wish to save your marriage, or for sure you will not be together in another year --- his disgust of you will just increase, and you won't want the abuse...... He's not confused, you are.

Answer 4

He loves you, but also hates you. He is mean and non-supportive, because that is how he punishes you for what he hates, but he's sexually interested, because he also loves you, and is attracted to you. Obviously he has not forgiven you; for forgiveness means "as if it never happened".

There is nothing you can do to change the past, and he needs to realize this. Ask him what he wants you to do about the past, to change it? When he says you cannot, then tell him to quit focusing on it, as if you could change it, and start focusing on what will make a difference now. He thinks he has you over a barrel, as if you wouldn't leave him, and he needs to realize the love you have for him that could go away, and thus you might have to leave him, if he doesn't start treating you better.

This will no doubt anger him, because he already fears it, and what we fear, we tend to make a reality. Therefore you also need to remind him of all the ways in which you love him, as a total package, and how you don't believe that you could ever be as happy, on a whole, with anyone else.

What you did was because fantasy is always greater than reality. And you had to learn this lesson the hard way, and unfortunately hurt him in the process. That cannot be undone; only the present can be made right, and he doesn't seem to be interested it being made so.

Answer 5

He is still bitter and angry and he has NOT forgiven you. In time he may, but it's a possibility that he will never forgive you. If he cannot truly forgive you, your marriage is over. Been there. Ask him if he would consider going to marriage counseling with you to help you both through the process. If he won't do that, then you'll have to wait it out. But the marriage still could end. Sorry to say it, but it's true. He's not using you. He's just hurt deep down inside and doesn't know what to do with the pain. All you can do is try to talk to him as much as he will allow and tell him your feelings. I wish you the best.

Answer 6

He is hurt, angry and has lost his trust in you. He is probably trying to forgive, but cannot forget and has images of you and the other man floating about in his head. He is punishing you for what you did. If the two of you can get through this, it is going to take time and you are going to have to prove yourself to him. As far as all the helping out goes, it was the effort he put into the "family", the strongest part of the family bond was the two of you, which has been broken. Would you feel like helping him if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you feel when he tried kissing you, touching you or making love to you if you knew he had sex with another woman? It is very painful and very hard to get over. You did the crime, now you will have to do the time.

Answer 7

The first thing that I recommend is for the two of you to see a marriage counselor, that is a must. Then you have to sit down and have a talk, You have to say can we get back, what we had? but to be honest, he will probably say, if we had a good marriage, why did you cheat? Tell him all the things that you miss him doing. Say I know that I hurt you, I am very sorry, Can you for give me? If you can, then why are you still punishing me, I think you are trying to hurt me like I hurt you. Tell him how you still love him, and you want to make your marriage work. But you can"t do it by yourself.

Answer 8

If your husband (and you) are still really both committed to the relationship, it can work out in the end. He is terribly hurt, anger, upset etc. and it will take time for things to turn back to normal. There is such a thing as karma. And you will have to endure the consequences of your behavior, probably through his current neglect and mistrust. I would set up counseling and be as honest with each other now so that you can start rebuilding your foundation. Good luck. Baby steps.

Answer 9

It sounds like it is time to tell your husband you need help with all this. Go see a marriage counselor. If he can not truly forgive you and move on then there is no way you will ever be happy together. You did a mean thing yes but is he says he wants to work on it then he needs to let it go and never through it in your face again. Go see someone it could help, if not you may need to think about getting out of your marriage. Good luck.

Answer 10

Of course he is confused! He loves you but it is hard for him to get the idea of you with another man out of his head. I am pretty sure that when he told you that he had to force himself to be intimate with you he was upset and didn't really mean it.
As for withholding your credit cards and bank account that is part of the trust, you will have to gain it back and only with time. I can only guess that as for the helping around the house he figures that you didn't appreciate what he did before so why bother now (that would be what I would think).
Be patient with him but let him know that harsh words can hurt as much as physical abuse. Good luck!

Answer 11

First, congrats on 1) being honest and 2) trying to make your marriage work in spite of these problems. So many people would have just called it quits. Good for you!!!!

As far as help....I really really really think that you guys should see a marriage counselor. Can't really give you much advice (at least not enough to save your marriage) in yahoo answers.