we've been married for 9yrs. We've had many problems along the way. I had been faithful to him up until about 4 months ago. Before this happened I was very depressed and lonely even tho I had my husband here, he wasnt here for me. He would never talk to me or do things with me and our kids. Hed come home from work and not even tell me hello, never kissed me goodbye when he left. I was tired of feeling so alone and unwanted. I found my ex on the internet and we kinda rekindled what we had before and then my husband found out. We both realized how much we loved each other after this happened, but now my husband constantly says mean things about what I did. Sometimes even calling me a cheating *****. He tells me to go find this guy again. I have told him how sorry I am and why I did it, and he said he forgives me but his actions do not show it. I love him and I want to be with him, but I cant take his comments anymore. Hes killing our relationship slowly. He wont go to counseling
2006-09-12 09:04:29 · 22 answers · asked by Crystal 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
try a marriage counsellor
2006-09-12 09:08:03 · answer #1 · answered by l00kstwice 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I go on the internet all the time. I've NEVER "found an ex". You didn't just find the ex. You sought out the ex, began talking to him, and decided to screw the guy. Then your husband found out. That does tend to make a spouse angry. You didn't realize you were behaving wrongly, you got caught. Do you expect your husband to forget you cheated in a matter of weeks? Cheating damages a marriage. The damage lasts for years, if not forever. You've told your husband you are sorry, and seem to think that should end the whole incident. Lady, it isn't that easy. Your husband will have this in his mind for a long time. It WILL eat at him. It would have been less terrible if you'd ended the affair, confessed, and asked forgiveness. But, you stopped because you got caught. That is worse from your husband's perspective. I suggest you stop pushing your husband toward counseling. He probably feels that he's done nothing wrong, so counseling would just be some yuppie liberal, telling him that it wasn't soooo terrible that you cheated, cuz you felt alone, or insecure, or neglected etc. He isn't much interested in hearing somebody make excuses for your betrayal. Your marriage IS damaged. It MAY be fixable, but forget the idea that it will happen quickly.
2006-09-12 10:16:13 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your relationship has been in trouble for some time, long before you cheated. You and your kids have been neglected. And, because you felt hurt and needy, you acted out when someone appeared who was interested in you. You probably did this for a number of reasons including getting back at your husband, getting your needs for attention and affection met, feeling better about yourself as a woman, and even just trying to do anything to make your husband take notice of you.
You are absolutely right: you and your husband desperately NEED counseling. The fact is your comments suggest that your husband hasn't really been participating in the relationship for years. And now, all he can do is be hostile and uncooperative.
It takes time to regain the trust that you have lost, but your husband has to be willing to begin that process of trusting you again. You can't regain what he is unwilling to begin to give you.
His refusal to attend counseling with you is a deal-breaker. If he doesn't care enough about you, your children, and the relationship enough to make the time to seek professional help for your relationship, then there is no relationship left to save. And you should tell him that.
Ask him if he wants to save this marriage or not? If, for whatever reason, he says anything other than a clear, firm YES, then you need to start planning and preparing your life to be lived without him. Get counseling for yourself to help you prepare. And, seek out an attorney to help you to file for divorce, custody, and child support.
2006-09-12 09:20:10 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's killing the relationship? Marriages are built on respect, admiration and passion. You showed passion for someone else, and blew away the other two in your marriage .You gave the passion to someone else, and now have nothing with him.
Counseling might help, but don't count on it . He's repulsed by what you did, as would you be if he had committed adultery. Sometimes with help a couple can work through this problem.you say you love him but you gave your most inner self to another man.The one thing that is needed in any relationship is trust and you threw that out of the window also.It is more of a fact when he looks at you he probably wonders what have you done today,since he can no longer trust you.It is always said....A MOMENT OF PLEASURE CAN BRING YOU A LIFETIME OF PAIN.And you opened up a can of worms. it is called trust in each other.I hope it was worth it.
2006-09-12 10:24:02 · answer #4 · answered by WhyNotMe 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You made a mistake by cheating on your husband did you ever told him what you felt did you? in a marriage you need to talk about your problems and you need to work them out. Right now he is upset because of what you did you heard him allot even thought you said he didn't say goodbye or anything. I think he realizing what he did wrong and he is very hurt because he loves you even thought he doesn't show it. And this experience you had never do it again it can ruined you marriage and mostly heart your children i hope everything works out for you guys.
2006-09-12 10:03:33 · answer #5 · answered by SunFlower 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well what is in the past should stay in the past! I cheated on my wife and she forgave me, before she did she asked me ALL kinds of questions. she said she needed to know in order to forgive me, we talked then and she has NEVER EVER brought it up again since (almost 8 years now).! That is forgiveness, not what your husband is putting you through. Let him know that you are being hurt by his remarks and that if he keeps it up your love for him will be lost, and the only thing left would be a divorce. Good Luck!
2006-09-12 09:49:52 · answer #6 · answered by Archangel 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is causing problems on top of the problems that he caused before.
Even though you chose to cheat, your husband caused you to sin. By that I mean, he caused you to have the lonely feelings. Now, on top of that, he belittles you and has not truly forgiven you.
You must seek Christian counseling. You two cannot go on this way. He was destroying your relationship before, and now he is doing it again.
That does not excuse what you did, but you have already taken responsibility for that and he should never bring it up again.
He made you lonely before, now he makes you feel dirty and shameful. You have sinned, but now he is sinning.
If you don't get help, you will surely have a failed marriage or a miserable one for the rest of your lives.
2006-09-12 09:18:58 · answer #7 · answered by Christian93 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i have taken a few courses on this
ok this is ur situation
for a long period of time u felt neglected by him
in many relationship when a pattern of neglection occurs
its need to brought to other person attention without accusing
just straight out expressing concern and feelings
not for nothin u may not understand but u contribute to the neglection
there s something deeper bothering ur husband
and u guys need to get to the root of the problem
u need to sit down with him when he s ready and ttalk things out without arguing
dont ask him to go to counseling
that doesnt work unless u both r willing to go inthere with an open mind
contact me if u need help
peterfl999@yahoo.com
2006-09-12 09:40:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he doesn't want to go to counseling, tell him that you need to work this out..or you can split up...Tell him you are sorry one more time and also that it will be the last time...he can either take it or leave it. He needs to get passed this so you can have a life together..If he can't well then I would separate ...Yes you made a mistake but he kind of pushed you towards it by not paying attention to you...
2006-09-12 09:25:11 · answer #9 · answered by Mrs. M 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been with mine for 3 1/2 years and I did the same thing last year. Believe me, it will pass, the guilt that is. It'll bubble up every once in a while but everytime it does I tell my self that the best decision is to not tell him. They can never EVER get past it and so long as it will never happen again there is no point in ruining things. Unfortunantly yours already knows so . . . give a little of it back. When he tells you to go to your ex just say "if you keep it up, maybe I will".
2006-09-12 09:16:56 · answer #10 · answered by ? 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your husband is probably hurting thats the normal reaction for a person who has just found out sig others cheating or has been cheating but he hasnt forgiven you if hes still saying mean and nasty things to you also he has to share his responsibility in this the both of you need to seek counseling.
2006-09-12 09:12:16 · answer #11 · answered by CaliMa 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋