My husband and I just got back together after being separated for 6 years. I have been trying for the last 4 to reconcile with him. He has just moved back home, and everything has been great. But, he has a friend that lives about 6 hrs. away that he has been talking to for 2 years. I wasn't concerned until she started calling a lot more lately and when I tell him it bothers me that she will only talk when I'm not around he says..."well, I'm not giving up talking to her for you or anyone else." Am I just being silly, or does it sound like there is more to this than he is admitting. He swears nothing has happened between them and they are just friends, but now I'm starting to wonder.
2006-09-12 08:48:57 · 28 answers · asked by Joy S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Why don't u look at it this way. When u were separated, chances are, this friend of his has always been there for him. I don't know if they had anything sexual going on but I think it's more on the "emotional" level. He's very attached to her and probably feels she understands him more than anyone else. That is probably why he said he will not give her up for u or anyone else.
The thing is, if he really wanted to work things out with u, he will either have to lessen his correspondence with her or give her up completely or u will just have to learn to accept it and this is all going to be up to the two of u to work out.
P.S. My husband and I were "best friends" for 6 yrs before getting married and for the first 4 yrs it was purely platonic until the 5th yr when he suddenly "proposed" to me which took me by surprise.
2006-09-12 09:15:27 · answer #1 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tough situation. In my opinion, men and women can't be friends, at least not CLOSE friends, without there being some sexual attraction. He's made a choice that he will not give up her "friendship" for you, so you need to decide if you can live with this situation. You can't make him give her up without causing resentment and more marital strife on his part, but you can tell him that this bothers you and that maybe you can come to some middle ground regarding when and how often they see each other. Sounds like you guys still have a lot of work to do.
2006-09-12 15:55:41 · answer #2 · answered by roobs 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Joy,
It depends on how much you trust him. And has he ever done anything in the past to make you "think" that he would cheat on you? If so, it is okay for you to wonder. I go through this everyday. My fiance has an EX. I hate when he talks to her. But I trust him.. She's nowhere near us. But again, all goes with how you truly feel about it. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion.. She's so far away. Now if he goes away for more than 12 hours on a weekend getaway by himself, then I would worry. I would start by easing into a conversation, and getting to know her through him. I have long distant "freinds", and for some of us that is totally normal.
2006-09-12 15:53:15 · answer #3 · answered by Mother of One 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He may be telling the truth on his part but it sounds like he is keeping her for a back up.
If he really loves you and want to make things work he will do all he can to alleviate your fears within reason., If he persists with the friendship maybe you need to look into it a little deeper,
And yes a man a women can be just friends if they know the boundaries. The fact that she is calling him more is a sure sign that he may not be into her but.... she is definitely into him.
2006-09-12 15:57:31 · answer #4 · answered by Raven 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I have alot of guy friends that are just friends....my best friend is a guy and we are JUST friends. I wouldn't give up my guy friends for anyone either, If a guy is so insecure that he can't trust me than he needs to move along. ON the other hand, I was married to a guy that cheated on me with someone he said was "just a friend". Search very carefully.....are you being insecure, or is this a gut feeling you have? If it's a gut feeling and your NOT being insecure...you may have to prepare yourself to walk away. A relationship without trust is not a relationship...it's a joke. Best wishes!
2006-09-12 15:58:19 · answer #5 · answered by Joeygirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He can't give up his freinds because he is in love with you.You should be more upset if he is the kind of man that would end a friendship because someone else irrationally wants him to.
If you love him and you trust him, let them be. If you don't trust him, it's not a bad thing. Trust is difficult, but remember that if you have no basis for not trusting him, the source of distrust is coming from your own insecurities. Try to address those insecurities with him, a therapist, a freind, or an anonomous listner. Oh, or with yourself.
Good luck!!
2006-09-12 15:53:38 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've never heard of the ladder theory? It states men always put women on a ladder type rating system. Regardless of that, I'd say your pretty safe if she's 6 hours away. It's kind of hard to sneak away for a quickie when it's a 12 hour turn around.
2006-09-12 15:59:27 · answer #7 · answered by Jeffrey S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been through exactly this situation. When a couple that's been married, separated, and perhaps divorced try to reunite, it's critical that old boyfriends / girlfriends disappear.
Even if he says "nothing's happening".
He needs to make this sacrifice.....if he's not willing to do that, maybe his heart isn't really in this new attempt to reconcile?
2006-09-12 15:52:38 · answer #8 · answered by Sheik Yerbouti 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If guys could they would have 'relations' with every half-way decent looking woman in a 100 mile radius. That being said, he may just need her emotional attention that he is not getting from you (i.e. - he may just really found a friend in this woman.) It should fade away if he really is busy with you.
Whatever you do, DO NOT TRY TO FORCE HIM FROM TALKING TO HER! Then he'll just do it to spite you. (If he's that type of guy.)
If he starts dissappering for a day at a time you may have a cheater on your hands.
Best of luck!
2006-09-12 15:54:05 · answer #9 · answered by Billy! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everyone's gut feeling would be jumping up and down right now and that is to be expected, to be honest i have a friend that is a girl that i keep in constant contact with and it bothers my gf's alot. but its not always what it seems. best thing to do is see if you still love him or whatever. if he is worth all this worry he is causing you ya know.....wish i could help more but really the only people to know the truth are him and the friend.
2006-09-12 15:53:33 · answer #10 · answered by hatin_u_always 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋