I am only 5 months pregnant but my mother in law is already planning my whole birth experience for me, I protested recently and she told me she has a 'right' to be present at the birth and to not include her would be wrong.
I feel this experience is personal and between myself and my husband and therefor we should be left to get on with it, after all it's my body and our baby! it's bad enough I will have medical staff gawping at my bits without the mother in law trying to muscle in and deliver the baby for me, at least I won't ever see them again but her? she will be around for a long time yet, probably telling all and sundry every detail.
2006-09-12 06:49:04 · 85 answers · asked by Smoochy Poochy 6 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
My husband went mad when he found out and now they are not talking, he is totally on my side.
2006-09-12 06:56:26 · update #1
--She is wrong, wrong, wrong.... I had this fight with my in-laws too. This event is for you & your husband. End of story.
2006-09-12 06:53:35 · answer #1 · answered by IMHO 6 · 6⤊ 0⤋
There are no rules and certainly no rights associated with childbirth.
You do not HAVE to be in a hospital - that is your choice.
You do not HAVE to have the father present - that is your choice.
Given this, where does a mother in law come into the equation? Pretty low down.
I think you have answered your own question - "it's bad enough I will have medical staff gawping et my bits". The discomfort and awkwardness of a medical setting is upsetting enough for most women. I think the clinical setting didn't do my wife any favours at all when she was in labour.
So given this, the presence of a mother in law is going to make you even more tense when you need to relax (well, relax as much as you can with a watermelon sized person squeezing their way through you, are you sick yet?!).
The mother in law, like all mothers is just really really excited. Are you married? if so, what was she like in the run up to the wedding? Exactly!
Stress the medical reasons, tell her that you'll need her to be strong for after the delivery - you will need meals cooked for you - that's the biggest blessing she can bestow on you. Good homecooked meals filled with vitamins to keep you and the little baby strong.
Oh my, I'm getting quite emotional writing this - I love babies- you're very lucky and i don't think she wants to spoil it. Get your husband to sort this out by focusing on the medical side and just think about the future, OK?
Honestly, I don't think that the mother in law is going to be there, if it came to it one look from you and the midwife will have her out the door!
2006-09-12 07:58:14 · answer #2 · answered by sd5 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband should probably be the one to talk to her since it's his mom. Have him explain to her that the two of you want this to be something private, between the two of you. That you were the ones there when the baby was made and you'll be the ones there when the baby is born.
If you are comfortable having her in the waiting room, tell her that she is welcome to come to the hospital and be in the waiting room and then come in to see the baby as soon as you are cleaned up afterwards. Tell the hospital staff that you don't want any visitors in the room besides your hubby and that MIL is to wait outside. The nurses will respect that and help guard your privacy.
OR.....don't call her when you go into labor. Tell her afterwards that things were going too quickly and there wasn't time to make phone calls. Call her afterwards and say, "The baby's here! We'd love you to come over to the hospital and meet him!"
You can also try making the hospital or the doctor "the bad guy" by telling her that they only allow the dad in the room and no other visitors during labor. She might not know that it's not the truth.
2006-09-12 07:07:14 · answer #3 · answered by momma2mingbu 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's your body, and birth is a magical experience for the two people involved in the conception, assuming your mother in law wasn't there at the beginning, she has not got the right to be there at the end! Just have your husband there for the birth and she an come in after you have had the baby. You don't need any more stress or upset on a day which a lot of us find hard enough as it is. Good Luck.
2006-09-12 07:01:58 · answer #4 · answered by paradisefound1980 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She has no "right" to be there. I suppose it depends on the hospital, but the one I had my daughter said that my husband and 1 other person could be allowed in the delivery room. So if you and your husband choose to have the other person be her that is up to you. Some women may want their own mother present, but not the mother in law. I had a friend that is going through what you are and she literally had to have the mother in law restrained from coming in the delivery room.... What a nightmare. Hopefully your husband is not insisting she be there? Assuming he does not want her there either, have him tell her point blank what both of you feel and that it is an experience that the 2 of you want to share by yourselves and that she may see the baby either when you are in recovery or at home. Good luck to you. Remember you have the "right" to tell the hospital staff that you dont want her in the room.
2006-09-12 07:34:09 · answer #5 · answered by sooz 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My whole family put me through this with my pregnancies!! My mother felt that if my in-laws could be there she could be there and visa versa!! I had the same feelings however that it is a personal moment and the only people that should be involved are mom and dad. With my first baby we had people in the room while I labored which wasn't a big deal. The labor was so long it was actually kinda nice to have the company. But when it was time to have my baby everyone but dad was kicked out. Not in a rude way.....they were all very much aware that we loved them but that we felt this was a private moment and was just for us. So it really wasn't a problem. I think you need to stand your ground explain to them how you feel and what you want. Or you could just call everyone from the hospital when the baby is born. I don't suggest it but it would definately get your point across!!LOL!!
2006-09-12 07:01:39 · answer #6 · answered by r_u_kidding 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, your mother-in-law does not have any rights to be at the birth of your baby. It is yours and your husband's experience and not hers. Because she is your mother-in-law, your husband would be the proper person to tell her that she may not be in the room when you give birth. Talk to him about this situation and let him know how you feel. If you don't get any support from him, tell your doctor at your next visit. They will be able to put on your chart who is allowed in the delivery area. If this is your first baby, you may not know it, but I think Labor and Delivery Nurses are about the most respect commanding people I have ever met. If you have a good nurse, she'll personally escort your mother-in-law out of the room whenever you want. Also, don't tell your mother-in-law too much info and when you go to the hospital, do not tell her if you have to resort to that. Try to be a little sympathetic to your mother-in-law and know that she is very excited to be a grandma. Now is the time to set the boundaries. Be clear, be nice, and be firm.
2006-09-12 07:00:47 · answer #7 · answered by sevenofus 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't fret about it! I was worried my mother in law would do the same thing, but it was OK. (My husband was on my side, too.) Just hope and pray that your labor starts naturally, and when it does and you guys leave for the hospital, don't call anyone until after your baby is born! If you want to call them, wait until you get there and get into a room, and then specify NO visitors, and the security won't let anyone in. Hospitals have gotten very protective lately about maternity wards (baby switching and that sort of thing). The hospital where I delivered my sons was security coded at the maternity ward. There was an ARMED COP at the desk, and that place was sealed up like Fort Knox! This wasn't an inner city hospital either...this is a really nice hospital in the metro-Detroit suburb of Troy.
So, that's my advice--go there and don't tell anyone until after your baby is born. If you DO want visitors immediately after the birth (just not during the birth) call them once you get settled into your LDRR, but make them wait outside. Really, if you say "no visitors" you won't have any. :)
2006-09-12 09:44:38 · answer #8 · answered by brevejunkie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just have to remember that the only really important person in the delivery room is you. For possibly the one time in your life, you have complete control and final say over almost every detail. If you don't want her there then she doesn't have to be there. If she turns up then tell the midwife/doctor that you don't want her in the room and they will ask her to leave.
It's good that your husband is on your side. I'm sure this will resolve itself before the birth.
I can totally see where you're coming from. My first child is due in 5 weeks and even now the thought of so many people being down at the 'business end' is slightly daunting !
2006-09-12 09:09:35 · answer #9 · answered by Gail H 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a baby two months old. Is my first child, the experience of his birth was wonderful for me (it was a natural delivery in water), and in the process i was close to other pregnant women, I noticed that something that heps to a good experience is to do everything just te way you feel good, I had to change my doula at last time because I wasn't feeling comfortable with her, so I told her. But it may be difficult to talk to your mother in law and that could be a problem later, so you can just not to call her as the other comment suggest. Is not her right to be there. Remember you are the most important person in this process (baby too, but he can say what he thinks) so let your feelings guide you and you probably be doing the best for you and your baby.
2006-09-12 07:05:40 · answer #10 · answered by Espinita 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you need to have a clear discussion with your hubby, and then with your mother in law.
As I understand it the ONLY person, apart from medical staff, who has the right to be there is the mother themselves, everyone else is optional (including the hubby).
If you arent happy then explain it to her that you dont feel comfortable. If she wants to be involved then tell her to but out. I bet her mother in law didnt appear when she was giving birth, and I guess she wouldn't have been sympathetic to M-i-L being there either. If you need soem re-inforcement mention it to your midwife and Im sure they can find an excuse for M-i-L not to be there (not enough room?).
There is another reason to tactfully, but firmly mark your cards here. it sounds like she will want to be further involved down the line. setting your stall out now should, with a bit of luck, also buy you the freedom to bring up your child together with your husband, rather than with her expecting to be involved at each and every stage. And lets face it from what you say youa re already dreading her interference
BTW its not an "experience", you are having a baby, you are bringing life into the world. experience to me smacks of an entertainment, perhaps that why the M-i-L feels she has the right to be there.
2006-09-12 07:03:00 · answer #11 · answered by Mark J 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋