There is no abuse. We don't really argue..just bicker, but we have nothing in common. I admit that it is all my fault - I thought that him loving me was enough. We are just two very different people. We have been together for 7 years. We have two children. We bicker over everthing. We never agree because we are so different. I can't help but think my dream man is out there and I will never meet him because I am stuck in this unfullfilling marriage. Is this selfish?
2006-09-12 05:27:11 · 33 answers · asked by ac_arrowsmitheye 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
to answer your questions..I never really was in love with him as an individual. I fell in love with the way he loved me. Up until about 2 years ago, he worshiped the ground I walked on, and that made me love him. My major concern is that I will not be able to support myself financially.
2006-09-12 05:48:50 · update #1
It's being selfish for you to stay. Let him find someone who will love him as much as he loves her. It can't be fulfilling to him to know you don't love him. (Yes, he knows.)
If finances are the issue, leave the kids with him. You say there is no abuse. I am assuming he is a decent father. You can have visitation. If you're worried about losing custody altogether, have a mediator draw up an agreement that he will keep the kids until you get on your feet financially, then you can share custody.
Time to face the music and be honest with yourself and with him.
2006-09-12 06:29:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Selfish, maybe, you say your only concern is if you'll be able to support yourself! You have no thought of his feelings, your childrens feelings and you play into the bickering! It takes two therefore if you refuse to bicker back or keep the bickering going then it would stop it has no other choice!
You say you agree it is all your fault again it takes two why are you taking all the blame?...
I know you have heard that "opposits attract" so what here is the problem??? You say you don't love him and never did why on God's green earth did you let it grow this far then!?! Why marry him to begin with!!!! How could you have ??? - there was love there at one point you just don't want to admit it and maybe you don't want to remember!
If you wanted to save this you could... If you wanted to end this you could. You hold the key! Righ, wroght selfish or not you're gonna do what it is you're gonna' do!
When you're married you don't have to have anything in common with that person, you already have two children and that should be enough, you should have respect, and compassion for one another and try to be mature, honest and communicate about everything if you had then you wouldn't be where you are today!
I feel bad for the kids, you aren't even thinking if you can afford their needs or if your husband will be able to afford their needs as well, price tags mean nothing and if you want to leave it would not be an issue you'd do what it takes and spend less to afford what you do need, and everyone will adjust...
Your dream man is right infront of you, you both are just projecting so much out there making eachother what you both are not... Not is nothing left!
2006-09-12 06:10:32 · answer #2 · answered by sophia_of_light 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask the kids!
Because that is what a marriage is about, the Kids.
You already know the answer your kids will give you. However.
There are 6 reasons to leave a marriage that has children.
1. Are you and or the children being abused?
2. Is your spouse cheating on you?
3. Is your spouse on drugs or some other substance abuse?
4. Does your spouse not support the family?
5. Does your spouses ideologies endanger the family?
6. Do the children want out because it has become that bad?
Bickering is not one of these.
Neither is, I need to find myself. You chose the person you married and made children with this person.
You need to sit down with your spouse and talk about what is or is not good for the "children". Constant bickering in front of the children is not good for the children.
2006-09-12 06:00:01 · answer #3 · answered by Gone Rogue 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not selfish at all. You are being totally honest with yourself and about the marriage. I would not stay because of the children. If you maintain a healthy relationship with their father as friends after the split, your children will be that much better off. You are right, your dream man will most likely be out there, but it wouldn't be wise to suddenly if ever to go on a search. When the time is right, it will happen. get the fulfilment from your children as they will need you and their father more than ever even if it is in different homes.
2006-09-12 05:35:29 · answer #4 · answered by Tammy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nope it isn't selfish it is a typical 7 year lull, every marriage goes through the peaks and valleys and it seems at the 7th, 14th and 21st years they make or break. Find a way to spark the fire, don't engage in petty bickering, rise above it and learn to bite your tongue, you will grow and your spouse will follow. Don't put the burden of your happiness on the shoulders of your spouse, find fulfillment within yourself and explore things that you have wanted to but put aside for whatever excuse you found. Don't put the kids in the middle of it and remember the most important gift you'll ever give to the children is the love, compassion, patience and kindness you show to the other parent!
2006-09-12 05:35:30 · answer #5 · answered by want2flybye 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Staying in an unhappy marriage could be worse for your kids in the long run. Kids absorb everything and learn from example. You show your children what a relationship should be like and how a couple should interact. You may inadvertantly be teaching them that a marriage is supposed to include constant arguing and lack of affection and compromise and mutual interests. By ending an unhappy marriage, however hard, it may also teach them to pursue happiness and fulfillment in their own relationships and to know when the relationship is unhealthy.
2006-09-12 05:40:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in the same circumstance and realized that a divorce was better for both of us. I remain friendly toward my ex even after eight years since the divorce. She has custody of the kids but I do have unlimited visitation. If you are serious about the divorce then the best advice I could give would be to talk to your current spouse and tell him what is on your mind. It is not being selfish just being realistic. Staying married just for the kids does not have to be your alternative. Life is too short to be unhappy.
2006-09-12 05:34:04 · answer #7 · answered by ROBERT S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's difficult, but I think it takes a lot more than the normal bickering to break up a marriage, especially with the kids.
There is always someone better out there for you but you've made a commitment and you should both try harder to get along and if every single effort and attempt you've made fails then maybe consider seperation.
Keep in mind, bickering is still a form of communication so it is better than no communication at all.
2006-09-12 05:32:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think you question is valid, but you did not give enough info. Were you in love before? Did you fall out of love? Why did you get married to begin with? Do you really know what you want? Are you realistic in your expectations? How long would it take for the next relationship to go stale?
You need to see a marriage counselor and take him with you. There may be ways of igniting the flame again. Sometimes it is helpful to get a third party perspective and a reality check.
2006-09-12 05:37:24 · answer #9 · answered by Mr Cellophane 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, it isn't selfish. Leave him. Give him and you a better chance for a full life. Try counseling, but don't use the kids as an argument to stay. Do you really think that it is good for them to know how unhappy you are and to listen to all the bickering.
2006-09-12 05:30:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋