I just found out that my husband cheated on me twice in the past year. Of course I'm hurt, but what now. After being lied to for so long, should he be trusted? How do I go about healing? How long does that take? I'm thinking of staying, but can't find a reason why I should. Except for the fact that we've got four kids. I've only been working for a few months so I don't really have any money of my own if I do decide to leave. If your spouse did cheat on you, what did you do? How did you manage to look them in the eye again? How do you "make love" when the love has been tarnished? I feel so used. How is forgiveness supposed to happen if I can't forget what he did? I know this is a lot of questions, but I'm tired of trying to come up with solutions on my own. Please be serious, because my pain is very real. Thank you.....
2006-09-12 05:02:30 · 11 answers · asked by vitamin D 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How do I get to the point where I'm ok with him? What needs to happen for me to look at him again and not want to slap him? Maybe I'm being too deep here, but I really do want to try and work this out. He's said sorry and stuff like that, but is healing really possible?
2006-09-12 05:18:27 · update #1
This is a very tough thing to find out. You would have been better off not knowing. Did he tell you or did you find out on your own? If he told you then maybe he felt guilty. You can't trust him, oh you want to with all of your being, but if you get to the point that you just know that it is eating you alive then maybe you should rethink the marriage. It will take you a while to feel better about it and you will never be "over" it. You will always wonder "Is he...?" when he is 30 min late for whatever reason w/o a good excuse. It all depends on how much he loves you and you him and what the two of you's expectations are out of this marriage.
2006-09-12 05:32:45 · answer #1 · answered by Amber C 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I am so sorry that his has happened to you. I have been through the same thing. I have four children, too.
My wife has been chronically unfaithful. (There are six men that I know about.) I did try to persevere though. Finally, I decided to divorce her because she used marijuana in front of the children, used marijuana with one of the children, and then *chose* to allow my youngest child to come into social contact with the person who molested him.
After 20 years, I'm calling it quits. It's going to be ugly. She is completely unashamed and unapologetic of her behaviour. She even thinks she should have primary custody of the children!
IMHO, because you have children and assuming that he is a good parent otherwise, you need to try to get past the infidelity and to repair the marriage. "Repair" may not even be the right word. It will never be what it was. (It could be better; it could be worse.) Think of it as starting a new one.
I do believe that healing is possible, but it will take a lot of work on his part and yours. You will have to consciously choose to forgive and then work to achieve it. Once you've started to (re)construct the friendship, you'll find him more appealing. Right now, he's just a source of pain, and no one can make love under those conditions.
Some people really hate Dr. Phil. I don't watch his show often, but I have found the articles on his site useful. (The first one linked below was a factor in deciding to divorce, because my wife does not think she has done wrong.) Also, another participant on Y!A directed me to marriagebuilders.com.
If you want to talk, message me. (Click my avatar, and then click "Contact".) I'll be happy to help if I can.
2006-09-12 05:29:35 · answer #2 · answered by Otis F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You will hear this a lot but it takes time. You also need to ask your self what you can handle knowing about the affairs before you start demanding answers from him. You need to know the why of it but sometimes knowing the how can be too much, only you can decide that.
As to what to do to stay or to leave you really need to give yourself time to make a decision on that one. Most of the books I have been reading suggest 6 to 8 months to allow your self to absorb what has happened and to sort out your true feelings. Do your self a favor and give yourself that time, you will make a better decision and be a better person and mother for your children.
As to the making love thing that will take time, but be careful because there will be periods of what they call 'staking your claim' basically this is just sex with your spouse to prove that he is supposed to be there for you. It can go either way as to being emotional or just physical.
I hope this helps somewhat. Above all else remember one thing, you did nothing wrong here, you have honored your vows and are deserving of respect. Do not be afraid to share how you are feeling to your husband, let him know what your needs are. Chances are that right now he will be withholding because he is afraid of how you will react to things.
2006-09-12 05:37:18 · answer #3 · answered by tryinghard 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know what I would do. I was cheated on by a BF in the past and it hurt bad. Marriage is tougher though because there is more at stake. I would want to try and work it out but I would have to know the route of the problem first. did he cheat just to have sex or is there a meaningful relationship developed. I would ask myself if life could go on with some therapy and maybe it would take a while but I think that eventually the trust might come back. I wish you luck. My advice would be to find out the route of the problem and work on it from there. Good luck.
2006-09-12 05:07:09 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Staying is a really bad idea...My husband cheated on me when i was 3 months pregnant with our daughter...Once i found out about it i left and haven't gone back with him since...He has tried to work things out with me about 4 times now and one of the time we went out to dinner and everything was going great till when we were on our way home i found this card from some girl saying how much she loved him and how happy she was to be with him..I ask him who she was and after him trying to make up a story about how that card wasn't his but his friends...I looked at him and told him that the card had his name on it ...He then told me that it was his Girlfriend..He had been with her for a year and that's how old my baby was at the time...I was so hurt again ...Well now were going threw a divorce and he still trys to cheat on her with me...Some guys are just dogs ...They will never change ... We see it as giving them another chance because we love them...They see it as they got away with it and hope next time they don't get caught...Wish you luck...They best thing to do is move on...Don't wast your time with a lire and a cheater
Healing takes alot of work from both you and him...But you will always have it in the back of your head...
2006-09-12 05:27:59 · answer #5 · answered by ?Whiskey Girl? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it rather is his movements and behaviors, he has loose will basically like rather everyone else on earth, I blamed him. I additionally do no longer excuse the married female he had the affair with, or his mum and dad for raising such an immoral individual, yet I additionally blame the Catholic Church, they allowed the divorce, and granted him an annulment, inspite of his having an affair with a married female, he's permitted to get married lower back interior the Catholic Church and injury yet another life. He gets the blame, yet that does no longer mean the others are so harmless too. His mum and dad raised him that mendacity replaced into allowed, and cheating replaced into allowed, and his church raised him to be the abuser he's. i think of God holds us all responsible for our movements and behaviors, yet he holds people responsible for what they do no longer do too. God is going to hold the Diocese of Dallas responsible for this divorce and annulment, they're basically as accountable.
2016-11-07 04:20:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I just found out yesterday that my spouse has been cheating on me for 3 years. Right now, I am planning on staying with him, but we are definitely going to go for counseling. I know that he loves me, which makes it even harder to understand. I have no idea how I am to be able to get back to life as I knew it. It is as though my life has been turned upside down! email me at micar1321@yahoo.com of you want to talk.
2006-09-12 05:28:14 · answer #7 · answered by Carol G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well this happened to me 6 yrs ago, i found out that my husband at that time was cheating on me with his now wife so i filed for divorce, but we did not have kids we were married for 4 yrs. it took me about 3 yrs to get over him cuz he was my first true love and husband, now we are better off as friends. take it one day at a time. good luck
2006-09-12 05:13:25 · answer #8 · answered by yma31 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well... if you choose to stay then you are willing to work to save your family.... however the cheating on his side needs to stop... I would suggest counseling for the both of you... I would also ask him if those other people and sex are worth loosing his family over.... and you should not forget what he has done ... forgive maybe.
2006-09-12 05:06:45 · answer #9 · answered by Tricia P 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
IM me i could shed some light if u want
2006-09-12 05:06:06 · answer #10 · answered by Funny 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋