I am in a complicated situation, because even though my boyfriend and I have been together for only a year, I can't really "take the relationship as it goes" (as he wants) because we were already planning to marry about 8 months into the relationship. I was the happiest person because he was everything that I wanted and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be this young and have found the one who shares my dreams of love and sharing a lifetime together... then suddenly, the day came when he told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to marry so young, and that he was confused about what he wanted, and that he's sorry he hurt me, but that this is how he felt at the time when he told me he wanted to marry but doesn't feel that way anymore. He's dangling me along with a "maybe someday," & my Q is, should I stay? Is it right for me to want to be sure where the relationship is going before comprimising more of my time and emotions? Or should I be more understanding bc he's just out of college?
2006-09-12 04:54:44 · 15 answers · asked by loveissoooocomplicated 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You're asking yourself the wrong question.
Try this instead: "Do I want to be married so badly that I will leave a realtionship I know is good and fulfilling - and may last forever - in order to be 'married'?"
Done lie to yourself either.
Most women would rather be in a so-so marriage than a great relationship.
2006-09-12 05:52:53 · answer #1 · answered by Alexander Shannon 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it were me I would leave the relationship gently. What I mean is to tell him that things have changed (they have), and that you think it is better if you cool things off for six months to a year. You could see him a couple times a month, go out in groups as friends, or spend some time together, but I would keep it strictly casual.
He might be tempted to talk marriage because he wants you back, but you are better off waiting six months to a year, before you consider returning to a romantic relationship.
I asked a girl to marry me when I was just 17. I did that because she seemed like a girl I could spend my life with. However, as it all sank in I realized that she wasn't the one I couldn't live without. So I broke it off.
Your situation is different, but one similarity is that in the joy of the moment it was easy to say let's do it, but when reality settles in, you can realize that it's not the right one or the right time.
He may come back around when he is ready or God might just have something better in mind. What would you really loose by spending six months to a year out of the "dating pool" enjoying friends, and growing as a young adult.
If you chase him, he might just run. If you move along, he may find that he wants you more.
The most important thing, by the way, is your relationship with God. I hope that doesn't sound weird, but I know that through prayer,reading the Bible, and worshiping with other Christians I have a relationship with God, and He guides me. That's something we all need more than any other relationship.
2006-09-12 05:06:50 · answer #2 · answered by adammparmenter 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first 6 - 8 months of any relationship is always perfect. After that, the "honeymoon" is over and reality steps in. His "maybe someday" comments show that he is definitely not ready for marriage. I would start dating other people as soon as you are emotionally able to. The same thing happened to my friend, she's wasted 4 years "waiting" on him; she is now moving on with her life and kicking herself in the butt that she wasted this precious time. It is a very hard and hurtful thing to go through. Who knows, in a year or two he may realize he does want a life and marriage with you. If you are available then, maybe you will reconnect. In the meantime, you need to move forward with your own life. There are lots of wonderful, loving people out there. Good luck.
2006-09-12 05:17:12 · answer #3 · answered by gator girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should not wait and put your life on hold for the hopes that someday he will feel the same way you do. Its not fair. He told you the truth. Accept it and move on. You are young, you have plenty of time to find a person who feels like you do. I have told other people this before. Buy the book, " Hes just not that into you". As far as being understanding because he just got out of college really has nothing to do with his feelings for you.
2006-09-12 05:03:40 · answer #4 · answered by Sophia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you guys are happy together, and this is your only issue then, I guess you have to decide whether you can compromise somehow.
I think you need to figure out why it is so important to you that you get married. What exactly do you think marriage will do to change your relationship?
Also, you need to ask him exactly what it is that he thinks marriage will do to change your lives, and figure out whether he just does not want to be married right now, or he doesn't want to be married to you.
Sometime people cover up the fact that they don't want to marry their partner with maybe someday, so that they don't hurt the person. It's a bad plan.
Good luck
2006-09-12 05:07:12 · answer #5 · answered by niffer's mom 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be patient! I agree with your boyfriend and think him to be very wise! There's always time to get married. Don't think life is a bed of roses because you found someone that wanted to settle down with you so fast. You're both very young and have a lot of living to do still. Just chill, go with the flow, enjoy being with him and stop worrying about "someday"!! Stop harping him about it. If he wants to slow things up a bit, then let him and follow his lead! If he is your true love and you his, then all will work out.
2006-09-12 05:01:25 · answer #6 · answered by yokrem 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was with my boyfriend for 7 years before getting married. Thank goodness...a lot of things came into light during these years together.
Be patient...what's the big deal about being married, anyways? It's just a piece of paper. Nothing changes except for your name, and that's even a maybe!
2006-09-12 05:28:43 · answer #7 · answered by KL 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hang in there! It wasn't right of himto much you about like that, but its better that he told you then rather than not turning up at the altar or getting married and then divorced 6 months later.
Tell him your feelings, and try to carry on as you are going at the moment...and you don't know...in a year's time he might be ready.
2006-09-12 04:58:58 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would not waste anymore time because you have been with him for a year and he already asked you to marry him now he doesn't want to get married.
It will never happen so move on.
Good Luck with what ever you decide
2006-09-12 05:00:26 · answer #9 · answered by butterflybaby 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Because he is young he as to explore more i mean he just finish colledge so you need to give the relationship more time.
2006-09-12 05:03:50 · answer #10 · answered by radeshia p 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋