He holds a job as a school administrator (30yrs now), so during his time off (summers, weekends) he stays out until 2-4am. We are separated for 6 wks, married 6 years. According to information I have gathered, I enabled his behavior, as did his family (mother, cousins, etc.) but it came to a breaking point where I couldn’t stand his actions anymore. Many things improved after he left(verbal abuse, cursing, coldness, loud snoring because of the alcohol). But I have started to get lonely on the weekends and wonder why he won’t call. I know better in my HEAD, but I hate the fact that my marriage is about to end.
Someone told me a possible reason he won’t call is that I won’t enable him anymore. I know he’s drinking and seeking out other friendships. We could have had a great marriage & I'm sad. My question? Opinions about why he won’t call and could it be that because I won’t enable him, he is looking for someone who will? We're 54, so the foolishness should have stopped long before no
2006-09-12 04:13:53 · 14 answers · asked by watergirl54 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First let me offer you support during this difficult time in your life.
Your husband has a serious alcohol problem and he has chosen that over your marriage. Not necessarily you, but your marriage.
All of what you are feeling is normal. You are in mourning for what could have been. It sounds like you are at the end of your rope as far as his behavior goes. As long as he continues to drink the behavior will continue. It does not appear that he is ready to stop the drinking.
I have a brother-in-law who is 51 and still into drugs and alcohol. He has never held a job for longer than 3 months. After a recent family get together I made a similar comment to my husband about the foolishness. The point here is that you are a grown up but your husband is not. He uses alcohol to hide things and never grew up.
You will need some time to mourn for what could have been. Seek out an Al-anon meeting. You will meet others in your situation who will be able to validate your feelings and help you with the feeling of being alone.
Good luck to you.
2006-09-12 04:27:45 · answer #1 · answered by Ravenna752 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is probably just trying to avoid the pain and hurt that he knows he has caused, he probably doesn't even understand his drinking the why's the how comes, he might be in denial as well. It's so hard to say what direction it could go in. If you walk away you might be better off, if you stay the chances of getting him into counseling is slim. My only suggestion would to be... Call him with compassion and tell him you want to stay married, and be together and ask him if he would consider going to aa, counseling or both and that you would gladly go along with him, and do everything in your power to be by his side to beat this thing. Try to consitantly remind him you love him dearly, and do not want to see him destroy his body, and his liver, he may be feeling like a failure to those he loves and cares about, if he was in any type of war in the past, that to may have triggered not being able to handle reality from all of what he has seen.
It won't be an easy fight when he's behaving towards you as he has, but remember something it is the booze that makes him a different person, makes him think differently, act differently, and responds differently towards you, your wants etc.
Try to shower him with truthful accomplishments that he has done, or does do, maybe he needs to hear that you are proud of him for something he's done for you even if it has to be brought up from awhile ago.
You might want to tell him to that he's not failed you in many areas, and that no matter what you will stand by his side to help him get through what ever he needs to, and you also dont see him as being any less of a man just because he is having issues right now.
Good luck, I hope that you are able to succeed in getting that evil booze away from him.
2006-09-12 05:57:29 · answer #2 · answered by krm 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's a drinker and some drinkers can't be trusted! I am sorry your marriage is about to end and that you are loanly but if he isn't calling you, then let things go! Go on with your life do not wait around for this guy he's a player! Sounds like he's moved on if he's stopped calling you... It has nothing to do with enabling him or not it has everthing to do with you putting your foot down and not living in chaos and in misery anymore and that it just didn't work out and really it is o.k., he'll treat his next victum the same way he treated you... Just be glad you're out of that situation and find someone else that isn't a drunk that will not treat you bad and not come home at night to spend your time with, life is too short be happy find new doors to open all you ahve to do is looks around. E-mail me any time, I will be your on-line support! Good luck!
2006-09-12 04:37:31 · answer #3 · answered by sophia_of_light 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats exactly it. Im in the same boat sister and its not fun but my problem is I go back. He may love you but not enough. Because if he did all the bad things that happened when he drank would be enough to realize hes hurting u. I dont understand it but I know it. Men like this are making up for something that they feel is wrong with them and in doing so take it out on you. They want you to feel as bad as they do.. But to everybody else theyre the fun great men that we fell in love with. I had enough when I figured out I was getting all the crap and none of the charming fun man I fell in love with you forget why u did and then when ur away from The bad stuff u miss the man he was or could have been and sometimes is but the good and the bad will always be there and thats it not ur choice. He is looking 4 someone else sorry to say and it hurts i know but you deserve someone who can give u his all. Its not u or ur fault but it wont change. I could go on for hours but I wish u love and happiness and a life with peace. Stay strong and keep busy do what u have to do for u because he wont.
2006-09-12 04:43:58 · answer #4 · answered by moe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel you made the correct decision for your life, yes it is a shame it had to end this way. Being lonely is only a state of mind. there a married couples who live together and are very lonely. which is sad as well. I have to say, look to the man upstairs in your heart and you will find comfort. Find a new way, a new beginning, a new way of thinking. You have so much to be able to do now, that your not worrying over your ex. God Bless you in whatever decision you make.
2006-09-12 06:27:31 · answer #5 · answered by RAINBOW 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it is so hard and it is painful for you. You did what you had to do, stick by your decision. Learn to be alone, you must learn to love yourself and your own company and be satisfied with just spending time with yourself. Also, make some friends, or just initiate activities with the ones you have.
When you say "we could have had a great marriage..." Of course you could have, everyone can say that "we could have had a great marriage if he stopped gambling, or cheating, or abusing..." it's a never ending list, but what you need to accept is that under those circumstances you never could have had a great marriage.
He may be depressed, he may be keeping himself busy by socializing to forget his pain. Men do those things, anything to put the sadness out of their head. When he is ready he'll come around, if not, you just have to accept the situation and move on.
He obviously has not forgotten about you, he is just avoiding you in order to avoid the pain and let him, let him learn about himself and realize the changes he must make.
2006-09-12 04:22:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i'm not an impatient individual yet am wanting to take heed to the rest.. for that's sparkling that there is greater to be revealed.. as such i visit withhold my opinion.. for how can all people critique unfinished challenge? I unquestionably have in hassle-free terms to declare that i got here across it very confusing hitting appropriate from "Granddad became" and that i've got a feeling i understand the place this is going via fact i'm probable examining too plenty "between" the lines.. (-: nicely written (((Bri))) I shall wait for the rest happilly with baited breath. playstation .. i commend your respond to the responses you have had. that's a real guy which could save a civil tongue in his head while all approximately you're dropping theirs (-:
2016-10-14 22:18:49 · answer #7 · answered by ranford 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl just hang in there no woman should have to put up with that. It is not fair to you go out and have some fun on your own and that does not mean you have to go to bar's but take a weekend drive with a girlfriend and just have a good time.
2006-09-12 04:39:00 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hold firm. Do not go back to that life.
He is not calling because you will not validate his false sense of himself.
Move on with your life. Enjoy your life. Try to forget him.
In a few years, you will see him and his life spiraling out of control and you'll be glad you are no longer a part of it.
2006-09-12 05:09:31 · answer #9 · answered by mrpeabody 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to move on he is an a** and there is no excuse for his behavior FIND yourself hon and then youll see the answer it will pretty much smack you right in the face NOBODY deserves a marriage like this !
2006-09-12 04:26:26 · answer #10 · answered by Sammy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋