What's so bad about dependence?

Question

I noticed a lot of answers in the cosleeping questions listed dependence on mom and dad as a downside to cosleeping. But what is so bad with dependence on mom and dad? They're babies, they're supposed to be dependent, aren't they?

I do infant potty training with my baby, and a lot of people will say that it's making a baby grow up too fast to do so, but then I get the argument that cosleeping causes too much dependency on mom and dad. So why is it okay for babies to be independent with sleep but when it comes to potty training an infant, it is a different story?

So I'm genuinely asking here-- what's so bad about dependence on mom and dad?

Obviously as a parent, a goal of mine is to raise my kids to be independent, productive, caring adults. I believe that the choices I am making now are contributing to that, and are not making them overly attached to me. But I do believe that babies and toddlers should be very dependent on their parents.

I am from the US, but I practice "elimination communication" with my baby. I discovered this with my first but potty trained her in the traditional way. Fortunately she was PT by the time she was 2 so I didn't have some of the same PT issues others have had. I started EC with the baby because of recurrant rash issues, and we discovered that it fit in really well with our life and family, and we all enjoy the closeness that it brings to learn her signals and take her to the potty. So when people say I'm letting my baby grow up too fast and not allowing her to be a baby, I chuckle a little because it is SO not about that. It's about her comfort and her needs, not about me at all

Answer 1

The only downside I see with many parenting decisions is the criticism you get for the choice that you have made.
My parents did not co-sleep with me or my sister. I was a very dependent child and I am still very dependent on my husband. My sister was quite the opposite. We co-sleep with our son. Will this make him dependent of us in the future? Or will it provide the security he needs to become independent in the future? I don't know. All I know is that right now at 2 years old this is the way we prefer to sleep and we all feel great about it.

Answer 2

Are you from the US? Potty training that early isn't common in the US and many don't realize that in some countries waiting until 2,3,4 is actually more unusual. My sis lived in a country for 3 years where everyone began potty training at 3 months. I guess it's just the fear of the unknown syndrome - you're not being like everyone else so it must be bad, right? I started training mine at 12 months and everyone thought that was still too early, but at least I don't have to clean poop off my 2 1/2 year old - gross!

I don't know, I slept with all my babies until they were done breastfeeding and now they all sleep by themselves and I never even had to fight them to, they just did it. As for dependence, infancy is not a time to worry about that, maybe the year before school, but not infancy they are dependent 100% whether in bed with you or in a crib. Any way do what you think is best, sounds like you're doing a pretty good job.

I just wanted to add for those who don't think you can be intimate and co-sleep: It's not that hard to move a sleeping baby! Just put the baby in a bassinet for a bit and there you go a free bed. and my husband and I still cuddle at night even with a baby in bed. We moved our bed to the corner, baby sleeps between me and the wall then hubby sleeps on the outside and 4 kids later we still have no troubles with intimacy : )

Answer 3

The only downside in my opinion is the lack of room in my bed. My 5 year old co-sleep with us and the habit was very hard to break after. With my 3 month old i bring him to bed to nurse him and then put him back in his bed which is in my room. I find i get better sleep when he is in the crib because i move around unlike when the baby is in the bed i stay in the same postion. I am not sure what i think about infant potty training. My oldest was trained at 18 monthes and the second one was trained at 3 in my opinion it all depends on the child but hey i ain't no expert. This one might be 20 for all i know lol.

Answer 4

There is nothing wrong with a baby being dependent on Mom and Dad. A close relationship is very important, that bond. You do what you feel is best.
We learned with our first baby that he sleeping with us, just didn't cut it. We truly got no sleep and we found that my hubby and I got short fused. We put my son in his own bed at 4 months and my daughter at 3. The only time now that they sleep with us, or on a bed on the floor by us is when they are sick.
I personally want my kids to be dependent on me and my hubby. Sadly, the day will come when they will grow up and that will be less and less. My son is in k-5, and we can already see that starting to happen. It is all apart of growing up. Just enjoy your baby every moment, and don't take anything for granted.

Answer 5

I really don't understand co-sleeping. My parenting philosophy is do what works for you, so I won't pass judgement if it's working for you. For me and my husband, we like our alone time. We also want to continue to have an intimate relationship and I don't know how people do that with kids in the bed. My dh and I have been together for 10 years, and now have a newborn. It's such a big adjustment that it would destroy us if we also lost our marriage bed on top of it all. As for the potty training, I might feel differently later, but as of now the diapers don't bother me. I don't see having a kid in diapers to be such a hassle or too much work. I see a baby who fusses for reasons I can't determine as a lot of work.

Answer 6

I dont think a little dependence is bad at all. However I do think we should encourage independece whenever we can. Sometimes it doesn't matter anyway because some kids tend to be more "clingy" to their parents no matter what. As long as your child is healthy then I dont know why so many people make a fuss over things like cosleeping.

To each his own.

Answer 7

every parent has to gauge what is best for THEIR child.
not listen to every bit of advice that is shot their way.
people will ALWAYS have an opinion and think they have a better way for you to do things. simply not true.
if your baby sleeps best with you and you are fully aware of how hard the habit is going to be to break the longer it goes on, then go for it.
if your infant is responding to potty training well and not fighting/emotional over it, then go for it!
YOU know what is best for your child. anyone w/any amount of common sense usually does. good for you!

Answer 8

As a parent I believe it is my job to make my son independent. I don't want my son screaming and crying his first day of preschool because he wants his mom and dad. My mother once told me--from the minute a child comes into this world they become independent. It is important for development...they need to know they can do things on their own. They need that self confidence. I don't want my son at preschool to think he can't do something because I'm not there. Dependence at an early age can trigger attachment disorders for childhood. I was very dependent on everyone around me as a child and I don't want that for my son. I believe babies can potty train in their own time--but you have to give them a reason and influence them to do what's right. My son isn't there yet but if he doesn't want to train by two...it's time to start---whether he wants to or not. I co-slept...it was a comfort to me--not my son. My husband was deployed when he was born and I wanted to. If that's wrong by someone else's standards...so be it! I did what was right for ME. I put my son in his own room when his dad came home--four months later. He didn't have any problems. I can understand if he slept with us until he was one and then we expected him to feel comfortable sleeping without us. I think independence is a great and liberating thing that I want for my son. I don't know the effects first hand, but I've heard it can lead to very low self esteem. Can you imagine going some where without your mom and dad--feeling like you couldn't do something or insecure without them there? I would hate that!

**I wrote I've KNOWN people who have attachment disorders (maybe I should have said: problems leaving their mother or father) and self esteem issues. I also wrote I do not know of this first hand. I'm so sorry, I made a mistake. I didn't say what the asker is doing wrong. She asked for an opinion...I gave her one. That is a question that only requires opinion: it's not something you can blurt facts at. Everyone believes the facts they want to believe. I do things my way because I believe that is what is best for MY child...I even clarified that. I didn't tell her what to do with HER child. I just gave my opinion. You need to spend a little less time ragging on other people's OPINIONS and personal experience!***

***I'm not a expert, neither are you. I'm sure you have thrown around statements that aren't "facts" but are rather your believes on accident. I'm sorry I messed up---I thought of a better term--"separation anxiety". Is that better.***

I just wanted to add that I am not a hard-*** parent. I don't try to make him do something that he honestly can not do for himself. I think dependence is a good thing but sometimes I think some parents want their kids to be dependent for the parent's benefit not for the child's. Independence is important to me to...but I don't think any mother can say "I want my child to be able to do everything for themselves." It's great to hear a child say "Mommy, can you help me with..." I just don't want to hold my son back from anything, I let him venture out on his own. I do agree with what you are saying with potty-training vs. co-sleeping. People pick and choose what they want to make their children independent and dependent in. I would never judge another parent for what he/she does and I hope you don't feel I was being judgmental of you. Well, that's about it for me on this question. Good Luck and don't let anyone get you down. Just like I told the other answerer...I'm not an expert, no one is an expert. No one know for sure any of these things. Good for you for sticking with your gut!

Answer 9

Lindsey, can you please post references for where you found that a baby who is dependent on the mother and father is at risk for "attachment disorders?"

***You wrote: (direct quote of your post)
"Dependence at an early age can trigger attachment disorders for childhood"

This is an authoritative sounding statement. If you meant to state that *in your opinion* attachment disorders stem from dependence at an early age, you did not make that clear, and it still shows a basic ignorance of what the term "attachment disorder" means.***

Because EVERY single thing I have ever read describes "attachment disorders" as arising from babies being left to cry for extended periods of time, rarely held, and not responded to by the caregivers (for example, babies in overcrowded orphnages in Russia, China, etc.)

The "attachment disorder" arises from the baby emotionally shutting down because their needs are never responded to. Parents who respond to their child's needs and foster a healthy level of dependence, gradually teaching independence as the child becomes more capable, tend to raise children who are secure, confident, and healthy because they know their parents will listen to them, and respond to them.

Children with attachment disorders tend to be highly INsecure, and need a lot of special care and TLC to overcome the trauma of emotional abandonment. They are often violent and deeply angry.

***I did not "rag on" your post of your opinion, I merely questioned your sources for the statement quoted above regarding the VERY SERIOUS condition called "attachment disorder" which you still seem not to comprehend at the most basic level. If you post your opinions out in public for the whole world to see, be prepared to get questions when you toss out terms to which you don't really know the definition. I stand by my statement that you could benefit from educating yourself on what attachment disorders actually are.***

###Thank you for clarifying that you meant "separation anxiety" not "attachment disorder." That makes much more sense. If I have used statements improperly based on opinion not fact, I am open to being called on it. I always put my big girl panties on before I expose my thoughts to worldwide scrutiny. Bring on the heat, I welcome the opportunity to learn. I do try to base most of my answers on fact, either facts I have learned via research, or facts I have experienced in my own life. This is why I try to post references when applicable, so others can research for themselves if they want.###

Maybe you need to research what exactly an "attachment disorder" is before you go throwing this term around. Here are some resources: