What do you say to help a child who has been abused?

Question

How do psychologists help children or adults who have been abused as children? When they have been to the lowest place on Earth, lost all trust in people, what could possibly be done to help them so that they can continue to live normal lives?

Answer 1

That's tough.
The biggedst thing is that it isnt' their fault, they did nothing to cause it.
But htis is never going ot be believed by the child, becuse this is exactly how the perpetrator acts-- he (the actr) truly believes that it IS the schilds fault, and blames the child, and the child 'picks up' on this "truth" (because its true in the actors mind) and thus that is fact. Even if its never said, see, it will be 'known'.
For me, I have never been to a psycholoist. I took control of my own thinking.
I have read LOTS of books, each one giving me something new, and teaching me more, shedding more light and understanding on the situation which brings me resolution.
Adam Juke's book "Men Who Batter Women" ISBN 041504099X is for adults, but they explain the pathology of abusers like NO OTHER! It is THE "key" -- I call it "the book of why".
Abused children aleways ask, depe down inside, "Why?" They 'find' reasons, in form of self-blame and degradation ("I am stupid" I am ugly" I made him mad" etc)
But this book will give you the real answers.
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Now as for the CHILDS experience, (since Jukes book is about the abusers half of the story) I recommend Mac Isaac's "Empathic Attunement" ISBN 0876685513.
This book explains how the self develops, in such a way that it reveals what the causes and effects are of traumatic or disruptive events in the formation of the child and his concept of self, or broadly, the development of self.
This book explains the universal track of development we all take, and is quite consice in pinpointing defects of the psyche and mental-patterns that people can devlop as defenses after something has gone wrong.
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Really, to talk to a child, it is incredibly difficult, since abuse is a HUGELY pathological, complex, dynamic and convoluted thing. It takes PhD's to understand and explain it, and still, many DONT DO IT RIGHT. A lot of books about it are pure BS. So it's a tough thing to do....
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But these books have been vital in my growth, so I can only recommend them to you as starting points to CORRECTLY shape your understanding of abuse, how it works, what it does, and why it happens, AND, to let you see and experience from the CHILDS vantage point, what has gone on inside of the child as he/she grew up.
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What the child really needs is understanding. Likely, he/she was never seen as an individual or understood and heard empathically as an abused child. This is what the child is hungry for. Without these figures, the child becomes untrusting as you said above. It depends on their age, though, and what stage they are in, and how long after the abuse you have found them....hmmm.

Soince children are hardly 'conscious' of what is wrong with their childhood, though, until later, the best thing is to be a new figure in their life. Understand abuse psychology first, by reading those books, Then you have a heads up as to why children think as they do, and you can be a figure who understands, empathizes, TRULY listens. This is what the child needs, UNTIL they become mature enough to look at it all consciously and have the intellectual ability to understand it.
-Of course, for helping adulat who have been abused (or, 'adult children') those books will hit it on the nose with no further adue.

get yourself a good pair of reading glasses......lol
:)) It takes time on you part and patience to let yourself go through everything, and to aek yourself work with the depths of your mind, but, I hope it does for you what it has done for me!
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Looking back when I was a child, from 5 up to 12, talking would not have helped me. What I needed and wanted was the ability to understand WHY DID HE DO THIS TO ME, and why should he NOT have done it, etc. That is the key to me, and tuly he key to everyone.
That would have stopped me from hating myself, and form thinking I deserved it, or it would have kept me from preventing other people getting close to me our of fear that I was some kind of monster (he inverted things on me) so it oculd have stopped a lot of SUBSEQUENT damage or EFFECTS from resonating.

Maybe once you undetrsytand how it works, you acn simplify it for a child to hear.
Like, "He did this because he felt bad about himself" And "It was wrong for him to do it though, very wrong. He shouldnt have, but, he was never taught what else to do about it." "There are other ways to deal with your feelings, besides how he did it." And so on..... based on thr truth....but simplified....
Finding the truth, brings healing. Just talking about the falsehood would have done little for me, or jujst talking about whether my feelings were hurt would also be impotent. ....


Add'l details:

Yes, what Bill says is true. Empathic Attunement makes a point that healing is marked by a new experience of life, different from how it has been experienced before (even if nothing else changes, think about it) and that knowledge alone iwll do nothing much. A truly refreshing experience is one where your experience of the world is no longer that of a victim....
Buy it just so happens, for me anyway, that as my knowledge about the events in my life chages, so to does my perspective of them and therefore my experience of them changes. My mind changes, view, attitude, and self-concept change with more information, so therefore I recieve healing through a new experience of myself and life in a new positive way; when I remember a painful event, I see it in a way that is not hurtful to me anymore because I interpret it differently, see?
But yes, in all, your real life must also be gratifying in some way; but really, does anyone live ina void? No, better experiences are bound to come your way.
But I feel it is MOST vital to know what happened & how & why, so you STOP THE CYCLE and do not fall into it again, OR do it to others around you, like your spouse and children!
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BTW, I am 23 and the abuse ended at 12, and through my search and learning I have become a whole new person I never believed I could be. I am blown away by the progress and my heart is overfilled with joy at the new chance at life I have created. Its incredible!!! :))))

Answer 2

Let's start by assuming you are one of the people close enough to the child that it seems appropriate to you to say something, or perhaps the child seems different to you, and you need to be honest enough to say that you know why. One of the things that can make a kid embarrassed in these things is "who knows, and who does not?" Once you are told by some adult, then it is polite to let the child know that you know. The way to say that is, "If you want to talk to me, I want to listen. If you don't, I'll be patient. I understand it's not easy." Be prepared for the child to say something unexpected, like "Why is everybody making such a big deal about this. I mean, I wasn't really hurt all that bad or anything."

And I think you had better have an answer from the bottom of your heart to the question "what's the big deal" before you say anything to the child. Otherwise, just say, "I thought it would be right for me to tell you that I know. You do whatever you want with that, now or later. It's OK with me."

And remember, the response "I don't know how to explain that to you" is a fair one to a child, if it is the truth. You are not saying that you do not know, but that you don't know how to explain. Big difference.

With adults who were abused as children, you will not get "What's the big deal," but you will get a lot of hindsight that has painful regrets in it. No specifics, but some people have gone pretty far in response to the abuse they suffered as a child. Some may decide later they went too far.

Because it is a big deal, even if you can't explain why. It means a child's whole concept of who to trust, and what motivates people, and what is fair and honorable, has been distorted by the will and the lust of an adult who should have known better. That child will now have to work out his or her own response to that victimization, and part of the thing that hurts most is "how could I have been so stupid to fall for his (or, more rarely, her) lies?" And they only fair answer to a child is, "but you were not stupid, you were merely inexperienced, and he is to be blamed for taking advantage of that. That's what makes responsible adults so mad. We trusted him, too, or you would never have been left alone with him. We feel betrayed, too, and not just on your behalf."

Answer 3

The main thing they have to understand is the abuse was not their fault. That they are survivors, not victims. That they've been able to succeed when others might have given up, they have the capacity to be anything they want to be.

Thats the jist of what the counselor told me, however, hearing and believing are two incredibly different concepts. Don't bring up the abuse, let the other person do it....it comes off as prying if you do.

Answer 4

Don't say anything to them. All it does it brings it back up. Let the psychologists do their thing. Just treat the child like a normal person....like any body else. Don't treat them differently.

Answer 5

If you have been abused, seek help, if you are wanting to counsel someone who has been abused, don't. You aren't trained and taking some advice from this site and running with it will only damage a child further.

Answer 6

As one who was mentally and physically abused as a child - not sexually abused - I can tell you specifically that trying to rationalize the behavior of the abuser is useless.

If a psychologist is not involved, the best thing I would do suggest doing is to listen to the abused child, and I would think of him both a survivor and a victim. Give him an ear and always treat him as if you care for him - unqualified love - would be the best. Do not try to invade his privacy and get into the problems caused by abuse - don't bring up his abuse - listen attentively, let him vent, but do not take his problems over or you will find yourself in the same damned place he is. Just let him live as normal a life as he can.

I went through 22 years of abuse and ended it in about the worst way possible - I almost killed my father in a fist fight when he attacked me the last time. I wish to this day that I had killed him.

Child abuse can cause many difficulties included therein would be moderate to severe psychological problems that might never disappear. The victim might have a severe loss of self esteem, probably will, and therefore have tendencies to project himself in a way that is meant to elevate his lack of self esteem by pumping himself up when he talks to you. I think that you could find the three major things would be:

1. Deep and chronic depression that is unaffected by medications.

2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That is when the child (or later adult) will talk in a way that inflates his real view of himself. Since he probably lacks self esteem, he will project him self in order to set that aside.

3. Borderline Personality Disorder, which is more often manifested by the same things as Narcissistic Personality disorder, but if it is severe, he can go off the deep end and end up as a very dangerous person.

My experiences showed me that no one really cares if you are being abused. In my case, since I lived across the street from my minister, and my elementary school, and teachers, minister's and sunday school teachers, along with all of my neighbor's knew what was going on, no one did anything about it that was something active to assist in getting it stopped. I had people in my neighborhood that felt that they could not intervene, but allowed me sanctuary, listened to me, treated me with respect, and basically took me into their arms and virtually made me a part of their family just so I would have a place to go where I felt good and safe.

Aside from local neighbors, I had my maternal grandmother and grandfather. They never talked about what was happening to me, but they listened. They were also unable to intervene, but they supplied me with the unconditinal love that a child needs in growing up.

I have mellowed out quite a bit, but if I see a parent abusing their child, I will stop my car and stop it. I do not feel safe in many environments and therefore limit the places that I go. As for friends, I do not have a lot of friends and do not seek to, but the friend or two that I have are close friends.

All of the abuse was exacerbated in Vietnam when I found myself in an environment where danger was ever present. There were a few bullets that headed my way, but I was not hurt. However, I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of the constant fear of bodily harm. So my diagnosis is:

Chronic Depression
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
marginal Borderline Personality Disorder, and
PTSD
psychotherapy has helped. The psychologist does not sympathize with me, he assists me in developing coping mechanisms and methods where I can recognize when, for instance, that my narcissistic personality disorder is placing me in a bad light with those around me. I can, then, adjust what I am doing to level the field. It is my responsibility to develop coping mechanisms.

You have to be careful in choosing a psychologist - you don't just go to one. Use your family physician, or a physician that you really trust, to recommend one that he knows that you can work with. That does not work all the time, and you might change. I would rather change diapers on a grizzley bear than change psychologists.

I don't like pills that warp my mind. For that reason, I do not go to psychiatrists - they load you down with drugs and don't allow you to discover how to adjust to the circumstances of life.

If you want to know how long the problems of abuse in childhood last, I am 64 and they are still there. I live as normal a life as I can with the understanding that I do not trust many people at all.

Nightmares persist about child abuse as well as the Vietnam experiences. I don't expect those to go away.

I guess I could summarize by saying that you have to be a "teddy bear." Teddy Bears listen to a lot of problems, never say a thing about them, and certainly do not tell anyone else. My grandmother and grandfather were my Teddy Bears and also they are long dead, they are the most repected people in my life. Treat the person as if they were normal and you did not suspect that there were any deep abiding problems that they have.

Answer 7

Councilors like my wife spend a good 6-9 years in college learning the answer to this and similar questions. I doubt they could really summarize in one short answer how to handle each case. Also each case is different, they just have to learn to read people and figure out how best to help them.

Answer 8

Little needs to be said except that I love you and will listen to what ever needs to be said. Actions speak louder than words. We are not talking months but years. Patience and empathy are keys issues when dealing with these matters. Good luck my friend

Answer 9

There is no standard catch phrase . They can work their way back thru therapy . Eventually , with help they'll learn to trust again .

Answer 10

Tell them to be themselves and not to be bothered about what people say about them as there is one above who loves them allot .