What can I do? My marriage is in crisis.?

Question

I've been married 10 years. It's been up and down for the last 8 because he cheated on me twice, once when I was pregnant and another a few years later. Anyway lately we seem to be on a downward spiral, and he has a double personality (one minute he's friendly and normal, the next he can be nasty and agressive). And when I say I want to talk about our problems he won't, he clams up and says that he can't be bothered with it anymore. I don't know whether our marriage can be saved. We have debts in my name that I wouldn't be able to afford on my own, we rent our property and again I wouldn't be able to afford the cost of living alone (the south of the UK is extremely expensive). I don't want to move away because it would upset my 2 young children as one has started a new school and I need to be close to my elderly parents. I'm scared of being a single mum. He wouldn't go to counselling either, he's too stubborn. Any advice from people going or have gone through the same please?

For extra info I'm 30, I haven't married him for his money as I'm not that shallow!, he has a good job and so do I but we're not high earners. He is an excellent dad just a lousy husband and that is why I haven't asked him to leave yet because it would break their hearts and that is what is stopping him from going. I can't help putting my boys first (they are nearly 7 and 8). P.S. Thanks for the advice so far guys, it's had me in tears!

Answer 1

You have to do what you think is best. You have 2 young children who you don't want to upset by moving away but by staying in the depressing environment they are in with you and their dad will be just as damaging to them, maybe even more so.

I think you need to get some legal advice with regards to the debts, he may be liable to pay half. Go to your local council Housing Department and see if they can help you at all with regards to moving.

It sounds like it is over and if you ask me you have given him more chances than most people would. He is not interested in working things out or changing.

I know it seems a really scary move but once you are settled somewhere else your life with the kids will be much happier. Think positively and remember life is too short to spend it in misery with someone who has no respect for you.

Good luck, you can do it. x

Answer 2

Oh dear babe, this is really rotten for you.

It could have been me that wrote this question as I have been in exactly the same position, but unlike all your other answers I am going to advocate staying with your husband.

Think of all the reasons why you should stay with him
1) Better the devil you know. All blokes are the same, they will cheat given half the chance, so any other relationship you find yourself in, the outcome could be the same.
2) He is your childrens father. Children are without question more balanced with a father and mother at home.
3) No other man can love your children as much as he can.

So, the trick is to find a way without plunging into depression and living a desperately unhappy life.

I think the answer is to find yourself, be a good mum but more than that, make sure you go to work and have an active social life outside of the children and your husband. Then you feel stronger and more independant.

Do not rely on him for your happiness and do not feel that he is responsible for it, you are and you can change it

Counselling is good but you cannot force him. It is useful because you find out things about your partner that you never knew about how they feel and why. You can still go on your own and this is great for understanding yourself which is very important.

If your marraige is not strong make sure you are, even more importantly for the kids. You can do this for yourself with or without him.

And finally, try to remember that whatever happens it will be OK. You will cope and you will find a way, so try to stop dreading it. If you feel strong yourself you will not fear.

Answer 3

That was really scary! I was reading my life when I read your question, down to my age, kids, him being good with kids, etc. - everything!
I am fortunate now to say that we have now been married 13 years and my problems happened at the 10 year stage too.

The first question you need to answer is how much you love him. Do you love him enough to want to try anything? You must be the first person you think about. If you know in your hear that you cannot live without him that life would be just existing without him, then you have a chance. At this stage (10 years) of your marriage he definately loves you or else he would have jumped off the wagon long ago.

I really feel I can help you and I would love to as my experience seems to mirror what you are going through now.

Im not sure how you get hold of me but if you cant then post another question asking for VAMPIRE.

Answer 4

I am really sorry, but this guy probably has another girl on the side. For one thing he has cheated before twice, and now he does not care to talk about your marriage, why? He does not care, he is a cheater and probably has had others you do not know about. Kick his sorry little a.. out, and then maybe he will want to talk about it if he really cares. Talk to a lawyer, and he has to pay you child support. The debts may or may not be in your name only, if you are married, it still may be considered his too. You cannot see the trees for the forrest. The boys deserve better than have parents who are not in love, and one cheats all the time. If you are young, you will find someone else, but at least you do not have to feel sub-human living with this jerk. He just thinks he can do anything he wants and get by with it, and not give you the time of day. Get a lawyer, get on with your life, and be free to be happy and have peace. I bet he won't even care.

Answer 5

Sounds like a very tough situation.
Why is he still with you if he cheats and treats you so bad? I don't get it. Is it only because of the children that he won't leave?

He sounds like a very insecure, selfish and evil man. Why do you want to raise your children under the influence of such a person like him?
I understand it may be hard, but, why stay with him just for the financial support when you're so miserable, he's such a bad person, and your kids obviously couldn't be happy or safe around him?
People say money isn't everything, but it sounds like it is for you. Maybe you didn't marry a man for riches, but you are still married to a man for his money.
Pretty bad reason to be together.

I'll bet he's cheating on you again. And if not now, he will be soon.

I would move in with your folks or a sibling or someone very close to you and get a job or something.
Can you declare bankruptsy where you're at? You might have to if you can. I would recommend that, or talk to a financial advisor, you wouldn't go wrong there.
You got yourself into a tight squeeze.
Why you would go and get yourself into debt in a shaky marriage in the first place is beyond me, but it's not made you prisoner. I wish and pray the best for you, hon.

Pray for direction, and don't give in or give up, EVER!! Show your children that there is so much more out there for them than this lousy life they are living right now!

Good luck

Answer 6

It's so sad to hear stuff like this, I pray your marriage works out for the best. May be you can try little things to please him, because if he has adulterated then it's because he's is seeking something that he does not have.
It's true financial probmes can cause great strain to relationships, and are often the cause of it's break but it doesn't have to be so if you both hold true to each other.
And that's were crucial steps will have to be taken by you to build that firm foundation (It's never too late, until it's oficially over, especially if he's a great dad and from what it seems your love for him is great, but tainted with burdens...both are worth struggling for), since as you said he is too stubborn to seek counselling as often men are because they don't like to be told what to do. It offends their machoness and shows that they are in fact not in control.
From my own experience I see just the little things make a world of difference, like dressing up for him when he comes home from work, having the house and kids clean and tidy, and nice cooked meal.
And most important always asking him if he needs anything, or in any way I can make him more comfortable. There is a saying which is my motivation and I hope it helps you transform your husband to Romeo..., "Be a servant to your husband and he'll be your slave." I know it sounds extremely traditional and backwards, but it's working. Marriage involves being selfless, often the sacrifices have to be made by the woman, but it pays of at the ends. It's hard work and firm determination...
I really hope this was beneficial, and again all the best for your marriage. Also try not to complain and find his faults, make him feel that home is a place where he can be at peace, so he hastens to come back to you and his kids.
Best of wishes

Answer 7

I'm sorry about your state of affiars. I think your husband is a selfish and inconsiderate human being. Since you are so afraid to live on your own with children, rentals and you have debts too, the wise thing for you would be to stick on to this man for some more time. Try to divert your attention from him to other matters that once interested you. Give your children more time and love than you have done in the past. You have not said much about why you need to be close to your elderly parents. I presume there is no one else to care for them.

If you wish to succeed in continuing with this situation with reduced pain, then you must divert your attention to things that make you happy. Remember your aim is to wait until your kids begin going to school so you can take up a part time job. If you want out, you must be prepared for this. Being a single mom is extremely difficult. But you dont have to live in South London where it is expensive. Until then try to clear all the debts that are in your name.

One more thing I'd like to tell you - when your husband is being good to you, please tell him something appreciative and show him some love. Even if you have to fake it. Sometimes, you cannot tell when the spark begins to fly again. Tread carefully. Good luck.

Answer 8

I think there is nothing better than a peace of mind which you will never experience if you stay in this falling apart marriage. If he has cheated 2 times already, he won't find it a problem to go out and cheat again. You are just setting yourself up for a disappointment. Have you considered living with your parents for a little bit so you can save money to get an affordable place? I know starting over is hard if you decide to get out. But what would you would rather have? A house with a man who is disappointing and suffer from stress and unhappiness or to start over with a clean slate but to have a clean new start with a peace of mind? You have tried all you can to save your marriage but you can't mend what is already broken.You should get out now before you go through another 10 years of this and lose yourself. Do you really want to lose yourself? Don't you think you deserve to feel happy? Don't you think your kids deserve better? Just some things to think about.

Answer 9

i was in an unhappy marriage with 2 children. I was a victim of domestic violence and stayed with him for 13 years cos i didnt want the children to come from a broken home and also i didnt think i'd cope financially.

One day i decided i couldnt take anymore and took the plunge.

I realised that it wasnt worth bringing my sons up in a violent environment, i had it as a child and it does effect you in later life.

Don't get me wrong, i do struggle financially but its well worth it. I've got a life now. It's made me a harder person and i dont stand any crap from guys. I've got a new guy now and although its early days, he's very loving, caring and considerate, a true gent.

Your husband wont go to counselling cos he knows he wont like what he hears or probably cos he cant see what he's doing wrong.

There is life after a long marriage, GO FOR IT!!!! You'll be fine.

Good luck!

Answer 10

hi there, im sorry for your situation, its a really hard place to be when you realise that it is basically over and youre unhappy but you dont want to just give up on it. The thing to remember is that when you feel like that,no matter if the memories are good,bad or both you always remember the good ones and they are what keeps you hoping and stuck.I have been married twice. The first time married very young and my husband was intermittently violent so eventually i kicked him out, i had a 2 year old. I recovered and after a couple of years met another man,irish,lived together,fell pregnant moved to ireland and married him. I loved him so much and the relationship was like yours good at times and he had a bed temper but never hit me. Eventually his paranoia,bitterness,cruelty and bad temper was breaking the relationship.He went to counselling twice and it never got better. I stuck it out and stuck it out and eventually i had a one time fling with my best mate,a bloke, and i told him about it. We agreed to keep things going and keep trying even then and then about 2 years later he just left me. I kept my mortgage going on my own for nearly 2 years moved back to the uk and now struggle financially but the house is peaceful and my 2 children are very much happier. My 2 exes and me get on way better and they both come here for dinner and stay here with the children if they want to.I still love my second husband very much even tho i dont like him but i have to bear that for now and maybe eventually my pain will ease.Practical advise that i would give is if you are thinking about leaving go and get info from the inland revenue(tax credits and child credits if you are working),your local housing office and the social welfare for benefit entitlement. I work part time term time only and can apply for tax credits.This helps maintain independence. Also get a free 1/2 hour consultation with a solicitor with regards to maintenance,access etc. Do this before you split and you will feel a lot more prepared and confident about tackling your new life. I hope this helps and i wish you all the luck and good wishes for the future x