Male attitude towards his long term wife (and mother of his kids): what do you think of this?

Question

"Dump the jerk"-sort of response, fine, but why don't you move on to the next question?
Else, read on. Assume you are me: 42 years old reasonably intelligent, reasonably attractive, reasonably emotional woman. Your mum is dying. It is quite unexpected but very clear.
You are visiting back home with the children for one week, to be with mum. Husband happens to visit the town for work and lets you know he is going out for great dinner. You suggest he may want to invite you. He does. Whole dinner takes place with 2 new colleagues. Fine food, ok conversation (your mum is dying, remember). Not a single sign of "I am with you" or "how was your day?" etc. End of evening. About to jump in cab (all 4 going our own way). Hubby finally comes closer for a sort of "good bye kiss" (and possibly "I am with you" stuff??). Mind you, the secret message is: "don't forget to ask for a receipt". This is his way of being with me, not a one off. Otherwise a chap who has qualities. Your reactions? Is it me?

Answer 1

So are you asking whether or not he should be more supportive of you in this time of grief and stress because of your mother potentially dying? I agree that normal spouses put under similar situations would be more supportive, but perhaps its just the characteristic trademark of your hubby to be very off and distant when situations such as this arise. Perhaps he has a lot on his mind due to work and family life? Perhaps your behavior is unsettling to him and he cannot deal with in a manner that you expect from him. If it seems normal to his personality than perhaps he hasn't gotten the memo that you need him right now.

Answer 2

There are a lot of uncertainties here.... like how is his relationship with your mother? If your mother is dying then why the hell are you even out to dinner? Your husband still has to work at the end of the day and this may well involve having dinner with customers. At the end of the day, him asking about your mother with these two strangers is wholly inappropriate, after all this dinner is not about you, it is about them.

Look, some people are just not good at the emotional stuff, that doesn't mean they don't love you or are not there for you... they simply don't know how to handle it.

I would suggest talking to your husband and let him know how you feel rather than asking a bunch of strangers on the net who don't know you and are only getting one side of a story.

Answer 3

Ermmm, this is a sensative one, however, why did you want to go along on a business dinner with his two new colleagues, he obviously had to put his mind to his guests, this was not a dinner for two, he could harldy give his attention to you on this occastion, but I noticed you mentioned it was not a one off, so a little confused at this point. I don't think he sounds that bad as he did take you along for this dinner, there must be more to this than meets the eye. I'd like to hear your husband's side of this. I can't possibly give you advice, give him a chance, I truly can't see what he did wrong, men are not always the best at dealing with illness not to mention someone close dying. I wish you all the best.

Answer 4

How did you feel about him before your mum was dying? Was he a good husband then? If it's only since he found out that your mum was dying, then maybe he just doesn't know what to say to you! He knows that talking about it might upset you but he doesn't realise that with being distant it's upsetting you more. It sounds like he's thinking if he doesn't talk about it, it wont happen. Try and explain that you really need his support just now. If he's always been selfish towards you then I'd get him out of my life and move on. Good luck with whatever you decide and I'm really sorry about your mum. With love x

Answer 5

As a guy, my reaction would be that I was forced into inviting you. Maybe I wanted to have some time by myself with my colleagues? You said they were new, so he probably didn't know how to act with you around them? I would definitely not think it's you, unless you pressured him (or made him feel guilty) about not getting invited to dinner. If that's the case, he'll get over it if you just apologize for putting him on the spot. I hate being put on the spot and it makes me uncomfortable. I like to have my own life and sometimes make my own decisions. Guys don't think like girls and will hold that stuff in. Thus, the probably akward encounter... Just a thought based on my assumptions.

Hope that helps.

Answer 6

Obviously u know your husband more than any of us here could possibly know but based on what u wrote above, I personally feel that your husband is not very good with emotions such as these and this could be his way of coping with it. He may not even know what to say under these types of circumstances. I do understand where u are coming from and I know u are probably wanting more empathy and compassion from him so I would suggest u communicate with him about your feelings upon your return. I know that some men are not good with this kind of stuff and in my opinion, it's not all u. Your feelings are valid. I wish u luck and I'm sorry for your mother.

Answer 7

Would my reaction if I said 'he is Insensitive' be a welcome start?

He doesn't want to acknowledge how hurt you are he wants to bury his head between his legs and hopes that it will all go away. I am sure you are a wonderful wife and mother so don't underestimate yourself. As for feeling deply hurt at the devastating news that you will lose your best friend and the person that brought you into this world. Of course your husband isn't going to understand what that means for you and how it feels but he could try be a little more understanding of how you are feeling.

You have the children to consider, and how it will affect them, he goes to work and he's not there all day. I know it's difficult but you really need to sit down with him and tell him what this is doing to you as a person and how this is affecting your marriage. The answer at this stage is to get his scope on things maybe he's afraid that if he opens his mouth he is likely to say the wrong thing. I would say despite his selfishness and his insensititvity just tell him how much you really need him right now.

Answer 8

WEll men for get about what they have at home and they are selfish only want things there way. I would have a strong talk with him and let him know how you feel and if he wont listen then I would pack up and leave, tell him your not a third party here and your tired of being treated like that leave the kids on him for a while just so he knows how you feel.

Answer 9

Your own fault probably...you never were needy...and your tired now of him never living up to your expectations...well you trained him not to. You should have been more high maintenance. It is just as much your own fault as it is his dear. Sorry you wanted answerer's ...here's mine! What can you do now? Well, just be happy that he doesn't cheat and make the best of your marriage. Once your mum is passed on and you have your head clear...do not be disgruntled....just move on...do things that make you happy, when your husband is around be happy! You should be happier because you are doing things that make you happy! Support him anyway! You'll be OK...get closer to God, and see how much he blesses you with insight and possibly even your husband somewhere along the way!

Answer 10

You seem to be much immersed in your own sorrows without much consideration for your husband's situation.
Consider this:
1. Your husband asked you to join him as soon as you suggested it, even though its with his colleagues. He could have told you that its official business dinner.
2. His colleagues are new, therefore not too familiar yet. Yet he invited you along.
3. Having dinner with new colleagues, do you think it wise for him to talk about family and sorrows?
4. Is it possible that he could be trying to take your mind off your sorrows?
Problems and misunderstanding always arise in relationships when we are inward looking. How about talking frankly and sincerely with him instead of second guessing his behaviour? I can assure you, you will end up a much happier person!