Criticize This With An Open Mind?

Question

So what then
I was stuck when
Because they pretend
Saying I make no sense
God bless their ignorance
I have an ambiton
I love this life
F*ck others preminition
I'll take it to a new height
See me on the other cloud
Unseen and gone, another proud
I make something from this
I wait for onething, none exist
My mind, My brain, My soul
I designed, My game, I won't fold
One shot and many twenty fours
Days we got and not much more
Mold your clay
Hold and stay
It's all the same
Your poll I won't change
I stand down
Why demand now
Deny a man ground

Answer 1

I like it. Most of the work I see posted on this site is crap. Yours actually has some edge to it.

It is slightly reminiscent of Lose Yourself by Eminem. I hear it more as a building rap or chant-like piece than a smooth ballad.

Pretty dark. Go for it.

Answer 2

try composing 12 syllables per line
do not forget rhymes
SPECIFY your subjects
my mind, my brain, my soul - too vague
provide a bridge between 'loving your own life' and 'bringing it to the top' with ACTUAL actions
'I stand down' is totally out of line
Include sensory devices ('i am scratched with your thorns'), make it as 'vivid' as possible

you sound waaaay defensive man : (
try to 'activate' it.

One example of specificity (and sensation):

LIX

For you, my love, a story:

We were born blind into a garden-
of tears and molded mud
and a god's
scintillant breath.

We were happy beyond all asking:
lost in birdsong, our feet
solid upon the loam,
we knew nothing about the past.
Which is to say, we knew nothing
about the future.

We had no knowledge of our coming death,
for instance, that the earth composing us
would someday claim us,
crumbling our edges down
till we could no longer feel ourselves
in the ostensible world.

But something happened.

We found our way to water.
Stumbling hand in hand we followed burbling sounds
to the spring at the end of a prickly hedge.

We bent down and washed the mud off our eyes,
and saw.

We did not care that we were naked
and hungry, for the garden that embraced us
was more beautiful than we had ever dreamed.

We have lived there ever since.

Now that's specific. And vivid.

The rest is up to you.

Answer 3

The words pour nicely from the tongue. There are a few words that could be moved around or tweaked to make it not seem so rigid and force rhymed, but it has a great meaning. I don't know if I would like it to music as it is right now, but with the tweaking you could add a melody. That is, if you're writing this musically. If you just want to write it as poetry then just smooth out the rough edges, proofread and edit a bit and it will be a really nice piece of writing.

Answer 4

I think it is really cool! I'm a singer for a small local band, and have been trying my hand at songwriting (I am a poet!). I like it, play around with some music, and post again to let us know how it goes! Good luck!

Answer 5

I really, really like it. A lot. I think I would love it with music to it, but I love it without, so good job! =)

Answer 6

Hmm..interesting.
I like it. I probably wouldn't like it to music. But the words flow, so it's cool.

Answer 7

Have you considered a career that is not so challenging?

Answer 8

This is good. That's how I feel sometimes.

Answer 9

.

Short lines gay
Nothing to say
Words don't click
Author lost di*ck.

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