I find that I am great as a friend. I was a great friend to my man before we were married. I didn't ever concern myself with extramarital problems, or "if he sleeps with some one else", or "if I am attractive enough" , or how about this one " I am a brunette, and he likes blonds" (who doesn't!!!)
Why is it that now that we are married, I am thinking about these stupid, assinine things??? I just want to be a friend again, not a "wife". How do I do this??
Men, please, you answer too. I really love my man, and I want to be ok as well as continue making him happy. Don't pull any punches. I am strong enough to handle the truth, i just need some good advice on how to make the transistion from friend to wife easily enough.
2006-09-09 15:29:09 · 8 answers · asked by Fitchurg Girl 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
First of all, let me congratulate you on your confidence that you have. This shows just how strong and independent you are. Not many women can say the same.
It's normal to worry about that stuff after a wedding. Marriage is so permanent. It's now a case of keeping the man instead of catching him. Being a wife is more than just his friend, it's his lover, potential mother of his children, his partner in finances, partner in decisions for life. It's such a huge commitment, so it's easy to be more concerned about the asinine things that you didn't use to care about.
The first thing you need to do is remember that he married you, not some busty blonde bimbo (no offense to blondes, I'm a natural one myself). He loves you for who you are, what you look like, how you treat him, how you handle problems, how you deal with life, etc... I'm sure if you asked him, he could give you a list a mile long of all the wonderful things about you.
Then you need to take a long look at yourself. Try to find all the good things that you like about you. Physical, emotional, mental, etc... Make a list if you have to, write them down to have as a boost when you are feeling low. If you have great eyes, but a not so great chin, focus on your eyes. Find ways to bring them out when you get dressed, or put on makeup. Finding ways to look better can help you to find some confidence in your looks.
You can't ever go back to being just a friend to your husband, a marriage means more than that. The only thing you can do is work on your own self image and confidence. You have it already, you've just forgotten how to apply it to your relationship with your husband.
If you can't do it on your own, then talk to him. He's there for you and he has proven his love and willingness to help when he said "I do." That's what he's there for, to be your partner, your friend, your therapist, your support. While he may not understand fully what you are feeling, he may be able to reassure you that he loves you and isn't going to stray from you.
I felt the same way after my marriage. All of a sudden, I discovered a jealous bone that I never knew I had. When he looked at another (prettier, younger) woman, I started to wonder how I meaured up. Could I possibly compete with these women? Then I remembered that I didn't have to. He loves me, he married me, he didn't marry them, he's not in love with them. When I feel these things up now, I sometimes feel even worse. After all, having two kids didn't exactly do my figure any favors. So I talk to my husband, and he tells me all the reasons that I am more beautiful now that on the day of our wedding. He's full of it, but it does make me feel better.
2006-09-09 15:53:06 · answer #1 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well, you are a wife now and the core of a good relationship is a solid friendship so if you continue to cultivate that then you are on the right path. As for your worries - one of them at least sounds serious: "Is he sleeping with someone else". If he is then I'd say that doesn't bode well for your marriage. If it's just you wondering if he is then ask him for reassurance. Tell him you are feeling scared and insecure. If he loves you he should take the time to reassure you. Making a guy happy can be really simple: doing nice things for him, stuff in bed, complimenting him - but if he's not happy with something about himself then it could be impossible to "make him happy". You could do everything in the world and he still won't be happy. Then I would suggest couples counseling. It might be good to seek some professional help right now for yourself at least. Maybe see a therapist for a few sessions and talk about what's going on in your relationship where you can get into specifics and get some feed back from a trained professional. Good luck
2006-09-09 15:39:48 · answer #2 · answered by guitaryogi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since I have never been married, here is my opinion of the matter. I believe that you have to be friends first in any relationship and the fact that you were good friends to begin with is a good start. I would love to marry my "best friend".
How long have you been married? Short period of time? I think that some feelings that you have are "normal".
If you love your husband, I don't see why you cannot be his friend AND his wife. You have to make a marriage work. Surprise him to make the magic to continue to sparkle. Leave him notes in places he frequents, ie his car, on the mirror in the bathroom, lunchbox, etc.
Surprise him with a romantic dinner. Have a "date night" at least once a week. I don't see anything wrong with dating your husband/best friend during your marriage. I hope my words help in some way. Enjoy everyday with him, good and bad.
I think your relationship will actually grow deeper and more meaningful than you ever imagined. God Bless you both.
2006-09-09 15:36:14 · answer #3 · answered by Stephanie F 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Ok here goes. This is your issue. I don't mean this in a bad way, but you need to find out why you became insecure after you guys got married. Even though you were his friend before, did you place expectations on him that he was unaware of for him to change a behavior or pattern that you thought would happen after you guys got married and it didn't. You need to find out what these new insecurities are, and then tell your loving husband to help you get through it. Good luck.
2006-09-09 15:38:44 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
This may not be the answer you're looking for as I'm going to keep it short, but here it goes: Friendship, as deep of a relationship as they 'can' be, is not the same as the kind of partnership you get between husband/wife and things of that sort. It's much much deeper. Bigger ups, and as you see now, bigger downs. I'm not trying to tell you what to do as I don't know you or much of your story, but in my opinion I don't think you should be focusing on getting things back to the way they were when you two were friends, but instead focus on getting these insecurites out of your head (or learning how to deal with them) so that you're marriage with one another can be a healthy one. Taking steps back will in no way help you move foward.
2006-09-09 15:34:15 · answer #5 · answered by Olivia B 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
though he likes blondes, he chose you! If you don't feel attractive enough then go to the gym and increase your self-esteem to like yourself more. You are his friend even as a wife, maybe you should plan things for you both to get out and spend time together.
2006-09-09 15:37:39 · answer #6 · answered by lynn 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
you must remember who you are..do the same things you've always done before the ring, before the vowels..it appears that many women tend to lose themselves in marriage..he is the same man and you are the same woman..what's wrong?
2006-09-09 15:36:11 · answer #7 · answered by Honey 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
you are beautiful, perfect, to your husband you can't do anything to improve yourself, remember he married you!! he loves you!! if you want to keep him happy give him all your love and attention, and he will never change how he feels for you, he will love you more and more each day, I promise you that!!
2006-09-09 15:33:22 · answer #8 · answered by pay 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋