What do you think of this poem, prose, story, whatever?

Question

I think of you swinging in your grandmother’s back yard. Excitement & predictability combined: An autistic child’s favorite activity. It’s no wonder that some days you’d stay on the swings for hours. No giggles or smiles, but a look of deep concentration as if you are trying to defy physics with every swing.
But today, something apparently distracts you. Do you climb the fence on just a whim, or does something catch your eye?
But over you go and the adventure begins. Wading through the tall weeds, chasing grasshoppers that scatter with every step. Weaving through the fallen trees that would block an adults’ path.
At some point you hear a sound. The thrilling sound of trickling, gurgling, flowing water.
No longer are your steps random, but with great purpose you hike through the grass & find the creek.
Your shoes come off, then your socks and into the water you go. Following a school of fish, or maybe just the water’s flow when you step into the deep.

Your head bobs under & without fear, you gulp the water. Mild discomfort, but no panic. It’s a comfort to know you were like that. And as the last of the oxygen is spent; peace, sweet peace. Floating in the water.
I like to think that it was then that two strong yet gentle hands lift you up. A man is there, with eye’s as brown as your’s. You know him instantly as he knows you. “Up Granddaddy.”
Up you go and the adventure continues. You can now wander anywhere with no reason to fear. No worries or dangers; just adventure, joy & love.

I wrote this shortly after my nephew died last year. Mom just went into the house to check the laundry. When she came out & he was gone, she went down the lane looking for him. Unfortuately, he was headed in the opposite direction. By the time they found him, it was too late.

Answer 1

I like this story because imagery is strong and the words you used cut right to the plot. I can tell you've done some good editing. I might suggest only a few things, and those are grammatical only.

Replace all ampersands (&) with the word 'and.' It smacks of amateurism. Do a spell check and then correct "with eye's as brown as your's" to read:

"with eyes as brown as yours." The words eyes and yours should not show possessive; they're merely in plural form.

Good job! You should continue writing.

Answer 2

Well Kat, I don't think it was grammatical corrections you were after here, although you got some of that too!

Your story struck me on two levels. First, earlier this summer a little 3 year-old boy drowned in the Fox river nearby. I read about it in the newspaper and realized it was the same hyperactive little boy we had met at a recent minor league baseball game. He had walked away from his parents at the ballpark and was lost for 15 terrifying minutes. His mother was hysterical. Little more than a month later he apparently wandered into the river while his mother was briefly distracted... just as your story suggests.

Second, I have often wondered why these things happen? Why are some innocent lives lost before they've barely begun? I thought about this at the time of the drowning and now again as I read your story.

The only plausible answer is that there is more to the totality of a life than it's length and "measureable" accomplishments. There are also the unmeasureable accomplishments. That you and I write about these things, that others may be caused to think about their own purpose on earth, and that we understand and fear death a little less... these may have been the purpose of those two little boys, at the ballpark and on the swing.

Eventually, we will have made our lasting impressions on earth and then rest at peace and recapture our innocence... with whomever our brown-eyed father may be.

Answer 3

I’d perfect be Going. I actual have one right here beside my eye i replaced into six, I didn’t cry lots while Scrap the kin terrier welcomed me abode from college. I actual have yet another on my knee the place I lost my pores and skin on the line yet worse I lost my new pink motorbike which I remember as quickly as I placed on my socks. My appendectomy delivered repute and soreness while i replaced into seventeen yet I ignored the great game and nevertheless can’t vent that spleen. I’m fortunate I survived the curve the place I swerved and nevertheless hit a great circumvent truck. It replaced into stable or undesirable, yet the two way luck. I actual have some I’d extremely no longer talk their thoughts no longer stable verbal replace, circumstances I lost at persuasion or fought for some thing forgot in a barroom, basically yet another sot. I tell the thoughts usually to myself as who could prefer to take heed to them, rather? nevertheless, each even the worst I cost dearly. Scars remind us the place we've been. they do no longer dictate the place we are going. Edit: no longer my actual scars. the actual ones are: precise between my eyes, the place my alcoholic uncle hit me with a spade while i replaced into 5, as he misjudged my region while he tried to help with a snow citadel; my left middle finger, the place it replaced into laid to the bone with the help of sharp steel while pigs stampeded me while i replaced into 8; 4 on my abdomen from while my brother shot me while i replaced into 11 -- an get right of entry to wound, an go out wound, a surgical wound, a bile duct drain. The back of my precise hand, the place I "won" a knife combat with my perfect buddy while i replaced into fourteen... Yeah, i will provide up now, cuz there is virtually 3 an prolonged time extra to cover. however the p.c.. did decelerate when I have been given off the farm, so there is that. :)

Answer 4

its a story of the way we should all live our lives no fear because no matter what happens its for a reason there is no terrible accident waiting because nothing is terrible and autism might just be a better understanding then what wave lenghth we see things in there perception is much more in tuned then the rest

Answer 5

My opinion is that it is poetic prose, but that's not the important thing about it. It is sincere and you have found words that pretty well match your meaning and feelings, which are the important things about writing anything.

Answer 6

Oh my! That really got me. Good job.

Answer 7

Very good...Did you write this?