I'm running out of ideas. How do I convince my wife that I need a partner in this marraige, not a dependent. I have tried to make her understand that I want a woman that works equally hard at our success. She has a nowhere part time job (that she loves) and spends more than she makes on silly stuff. I make a very good income and cover our standard of life, but feel I am working my fanny off and she is enjoying a good quality of life without helping out. Am I asking too much, am I being silly or what. I am beginning to feel like this is a lost cause and ending it. Been married for 4 years, kids grown and gone. Open to ALL ideas.
2006-09-09 11:30:34 · 28 answers · asked by rikv77 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I do half the housekeeping and cook most of the meals.
2006-09-09 11:39:06 · update #1
I honestly don't think that you are being silly. I am a women and I have two small children but i work a 30 hour a week job to help out with the bills and the simple but expensive things that are needed in life.
Your wife should want better for her self and for you as well. It sounds to me that she is taking advantage of you and your income. This would not be OK by me.. Even if i could do what she does i am not sure that i would be able to. I find pride in knowing that the nice things my family has I took part in providing it.
You should tell your wife upfront and with cofiendce that you have just had enough and you are at your Witt's end in this marriage. Tell her that you hate the idea of ending it but you need a partner not a ntoher child to take of... Or something like that.
Good Luck and i do hope for the sake of your marriage that she is able to see that when she said I DO she made a promise to HELP you and to compromise with you....
2006-09-09 11:38:09 · answer #1 · answered by Mellisa C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should get a job that you like and you don't need to work as hard, both of you cut back (that means no more silly stuff for her!) and work on your relationship. If you have only been married 4 years but the kids are grown and gone, this must be a second marriage. If she had the "nowhere part time job" before you were married then you knew what you were getting into.
Now I'm getting a complex b/c this is the second ? in two days where the guy complained the woman doesn't work enough. I just now started working part time after staying home with kids for 20 months! Maybe I'm not doing enough! Ack!
2006-09-09 18:37:18 · answer #2 · answered by Stimpy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you want a partner in the financial arena and that is what you need to address. It's the only thing I can think of that may be bothering you. Loving your job makes a happy person at home and if you make a good income what's the difference unless you want to keep your finances separate. If you separate your money she will be forced to change her job and standard of spending, but you may pay a different price, an unhappy partner. My husband and I switched places half way thru our marriage and it turned me around real quick. Maybe suggest it's your turn to work part time, play a little golf (or whatever your hobby maybe) and she in turn should pull the nine to five each and every day to maintain the standard of living you live currently.
2006-09-09 19:03:00 · answer #3 · answered by crkristy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she has a part time job that "she loves" why ask her to give that up? Would u rather her work at a better job that she'll be unhappy and stressed with?
As far as her spending and not helping out , well, u both will just have to sit down and work out a budget and who gets to pay what. Just because she has a part time job doesn't make her exempt from being responsible with some of the bills herself. I don't think it's worth ending the marriage over this when u have solutions at hand. Chances are, u have allowed it to be this way for too long and u will just have to help her undo her habits.
2006-09-09 18:38:53 · answer #4 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well have you been very specific on what you want her to do? Have you initiated any of the personal growth things, ie. weekends on marriage and relationships. If you continue to nag at her without any specifics how can she change. What is wrong with her having a nowhere part time job that she enjoys? Why are you judging her on this? When you married was she at this job? When you got together, if the agreement was that you would be the bread winner, then keep on doing it! You can not get into a marriage and then want the other person to change...that is just not right. Look at yourself and see why it is you are so focused on her and her faults. What is going on for you? What do you need to do to make things better in YOUR own life?
2006-09-09 18:59:09 · answer #5 · answered by jewels 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's very lucky to have someone like you that has put up with this for so long. I can understand how you could feel that this is a lost cause. Some people just never think that their spouse's are serious about leaving or that things need to change until it's too late. If your that unhappy then Yes get out of it. She sounds lazy and needy and wants someone else to do everything for her. Your right ;marriage is a partnership and it should be treated as one.Both should do all they can do work at having a stable life and feel happy together. It shouldn't be one sided.
2006-09-09 19:09:12 · answer #6 · answered by Countrygirl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, I may sound horribly archaic about this but...Even when kids have left the house its kind of nice for a woman to maintain her woman things (that is if she does these things) ie. cooking, taking care of you, loving you, making your house a home. I think we have deviated so far from our natural ways personally.
You said a key thing though, she loves her nowhere part time job. This is important to note. You could try to force her to get a fulltime, less appealing job and where would that put the two of you? Just a thought, perhaps if you share this with her and dont try to convince her. Think of her strengths and try to match those with possible employment which would keep her happy; in turn keeping you happy. I cant see why full time is necessary if you make enough. She needs to save up her energy for you! Good luck!
2006-09-09 19:19:18 · answer #7 · answered by Loosid 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sad to hear that. I believe that a marriage is suppose to be an equal partnership between the two individuals. You should sit your wife down and talk to her about your concerns. Remind her that this is a marriage and in order for it to work the both of you have to come together in planning for your future, and day to day things as well. Let her know that you're not trying to restrict her or limit her freedom but it's extrememly hard for you to have to pick up the slack all the time. It isn't fair...If you love your wife and she loves you just as much, maybe, the two of you should consider going to counselling to work out the problem.
2006-09-09 18:39:22 · answer #8 · answered by BaBy K 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You enjoy a good life it sounds like. Most men in your situation would be proud of that. You said your wife has a nowhere part time job that she loves? What is wrong with that? At least she is contributing something, not just sitting at home all day watching Maury Povich. I think you need to rethink this question.
2006-09-09 18:49:18 · answer #9 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is your wife happy? Does she take care of you and give you the things to make you happy? Is this about money or is it not? I don't think it really is about money - you want her to understand you and how hard you work for everything. You want to feel more like partners and equals.
My ex husband was never satisfied with my job or how much money I made. It was always less than his buddy's wife who had a great job and made good money. So, in his mind I was never going to measure up because he was always comparing me to some one elses wife. If that is what your doing - you are never going to be happy - because there will always be someone out there who has a wife who makes more money than yours.
As far as your wife's spending habits go - what about yours? If you are like most men I know - you have some very big and expensive toys you are pouring your income into - like tractors, large pick-up trucks, snow mobiles, etc...etc... We women see our man buying his big toys and we see nothing wrong with buying our little trinkets that make us happy...
Maybe so you can feel like you are partners and a couple again - you need to have a hobby that you both enjoy together. Like for instance - me and my boyfriend like to go biking and are planning on getting a recumbent tandem bike we can go on long trips together. Maybe you need something like that so you can feel like you are partners again.
Some couples join bowling leagues, some couples take up kayaking - and go on trips....etc etc...
Or, have you thought of starting up a business together? A small business you could run together - but mostly she could run it while you are at your normal job. That could be a way you feel like you are financial partners again.
Good luck to both of you - I hope you work out your problems and have a good marriage.
2006-09-09 18:52:16 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋