I'm so tired of this, can you help?

Question

My husband came by today even though I told him not to(Look at my other questions). The kids let him in and he started up again about how he is miserable without his family. Then he scared the kids by telling them he thought he was having a heart attack. I calmly told him that if he felt that bad he should go to the ER and gave him some aspirin. I felt terrible for being so cold, but I am so tired of all the guilt he is laying on me. I just want him to stop and I don't know what else to do or say to him. I told him that I can't deal with him coming over and getting me and the kids upset. I can't function, I can't eat or sleep because of him. Before I told him I wanted him out I got sick and lost 20 in about 3 weeks. All he thinks about is how he feels, he doesn't see how this is affecting me and the kids.

Thanks for all the supportive answers, I really do appreciate it.

Answer 1

You can get a Restraining order, but, still allow him to see the children(if you wish). Just get a secondary party to meet him at a mutual location and transfer the kids for visitation, then use the same person to collect the children when he's done with his visitation.
I did this with my friend when she put a restraining order on her ex, I was there when he got the kids and I was the one he returned them to. It worked out good for everyone involved and spared the children from any dramatic scenes.
When she wasn't there , he never acted up!!! I was amazed at how different he behaved when she wasn't around......if she was there, he was like a big drama queen, he even went so far as using the kids. She finally heeded my advice and got the restraining order. all has been well ever since.
I'm not saying it will work for you, but, this is what worked for us....GOOD LUCK, and I TRULY mean that, I know how hard it must be for you.....

Answer 2

Your question caught my eye, so I checked your other questions and the best advice I can give is to be strong. He is behaving in the typical male manner of "I had no idea you were unhappy!" even tho he had been told many, many times. He tried to sabotage your education and he is now trying to sabotage your moving forward. I'm sorry to say this, but if you really want him out of your life you are going to have to be a real bi*ch. There is nothing else that he will understand. He will try to whine and cry and put all of the blame on you, but that is only an act that has always worked previously and he thinks it will work again. What he doesn't understand is that you are now a stronger woman than you were before. You have gained an education which gives you not only self worth, but the ability to support yourself and your children. We all have to move forward in this life or else we will be stifled and suffocate and still be where we are today 20 years from now (as I'm approaching 50 I have many old friends who are still the same that they were when we were approaching 30 and honestly - they are miserable). Your husband had the opportunity to move forward with you and he chose not to and now that he has to live with that decision he doesn't want to. Typical, huh?

Stand up for what you believe is right and hold your ground. You know what is best for you and your children. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard and painful, but it is something that we have to do. Perhaps in the long run, your husband will also grow up and become the man he should have been all along.

Answer 3

I've been in U're situation B-4, & let me tell U, it's a very hard
road 2 go down. R U through w/the situation? Or would U still
B interested if he would just calm down & give U space? 1st off
U need 2 know what it is that U want. I think that U need 2 get a
baby-sitter 4 1 night & calmly ask him 2 meet w/U 2 talk. It's up
2 U if U feel more comfortable being in a public enviroment or the
privacy of U're own home. Be very sure of U're feelings & wants
& needs 2 benefit U & U're children (who should always come 1st)
Coulseling sounds like a good idea, whether U want 2 stay 2-
gether or not. Tell him 2 be more mature about his behavior around the children. I would B very adult about the conversation.
No tears & definately, no anger. I really feel 4 U're situation.
Definately get counseling, being that upset is not at all a good
thing especially if U're health is starting 2 be a factor. When U
hurt, those children R hurting, whether U think so or not! Set up
an appointment w/a counselor immediately.
Good Luck, girl--If U ever need 2 talk, let me know.

Smooches, Milkshake

Answer 4

Mari, you get full marks for taking the initiative and trying to improve your life and tht of your kids. But at this point, things have gone beyond what you can control.
You can get a restraining order, that will prevent him from coming to your house. If he breeches that order, he will be in contempt of court and will do some time in jail. That's pretty harsh, but sometimes that's what it takes to get the message across.
You didn't say how old the children were. If they are still minors, he may be able to insist on visiting rights, but that doesn't mean coming into your home or having any contact with you whatsoever. They can go visit him wherever he is living, or meet him in the park, or at the neighborhood McDonald's.
I'm truly sorry that things have come to this point, but they have and you simply have to draw a line and get on with your life. Re-take the courses you failed and finish that degree.
Good luck to you -- and find an attorney quick to get that restraining order in effect!

Answer 5

Mari, I wished I had read your questions backwards. Heartattack, call 911. I would tell him, if he's going to have a Fred Sanford attack everytime he comes over, then you are calling 911. Call him on the phone, and ask him to meet you somewhere public. Like a resturant. Tell him it's got to stop! That's not doing anybody any good, and if he thinks his acting like this is going to win his spot back in your bed, he greatly mistaken. He's got to stop upsetting those kids, or he's not going to see them. You need to go ahead and see a lawyer, just in case he keeps on pulling these "acts" on you.

You can't keep this up! You are the one going to have the heartattack or stroke. Or end up in the padded room at the local nut farm. I have had a stroke and a nervous breakdown, it's not fun! Believe me. You are going to have to tell the kids not to let Daddy in the door, if he comes over. How far are you willing to go? Tell him, no more! If he continues, you won't let him see the kids. That for their mental health that shouldn't be subjected to this. He's making you look like the heavy. He's trying to get the kids to tell you to take "poor" daddy back. He's playing mind games. He may have a heartattack, and it won't be your fault, sweetie. You have done nothing wrong, and you have been nothing but nice to this man. You could have him put under a restraining order, keep the kids away, or have him arrested. No, he needs to take a reality check. I don't know how you are going to make him see that it's over, and he needs to start learning that he can't have it his way anymore.

You aren't terrible or mean, but you may have to be...if he doesn't leave you in peace. Those babies don't need this, and you definetly don't. Are you under a doctor's care? You need to be if you aren't. Dropping that much weight your body took a big shock. If you can't eat, please get some good multi-vitamins. Drink some juices if you can hold them down. Those kids need their Mommy. Please take care of yourself, and try nibbling a little a long. That's what I do. Little bites every little while.

I wish I could give you a hug. You certainly could use one. Take it one hour at a time, then one day at a time.....

God bless us all...........................

Answer 6

I would get a restraining order that will not have him calling your house to speak to you or coming within so many yards of your home. That way the kids may speak to him and see him but he can not harass you. Then make sure you see mediator and advise them that he may be causing the kids a lot of distress and making them emotionally upset. They may just take all his visitation rights away or give him a chance to straighten his **** up. He's not a help to his children as a father if he can not act as an adult. Get the law on your side and your kids will thank you in the end and not act out or end up becoming like him. good luck to you.

Answer 7

Okay, Mari, I read all of your questions. First a little analysis:

Your husband is a very insecure man as evidenced by the fact that he really did his best to make sure you did not better yourself by getting an education: He married you uneducated, and for you afterward to go out and boost your economic worth is just emasculating to him. This is evidenced by the fact that he put your entire family in a financial mess----a sort of "You think you're so good, get us out of this one" type attitude. Male ego is a big thing,extremely fragile in some cases, and many -- in fact most men -- are really challenged by a bright, aggressive, educated woman. You became one of those by getting an education, and so he sabotaged, or tried to sabotage your efforts. (Make sure you finish that degree, sweetie)
You have stated that you want out of this marriage, and I am assuming that you have eliminated marriage counseling, correct? On that assumption, then, that this is the way you wish to proceed, you need to file papers against him -- divorce papers, and restraining orders. He does indeed have the right to see his children --- he does not have the right to harrass you. And in a divorce he indeed has the right to half of your combined assets.....(Divorces are cheaper if you agree who gets what, and use the same attorney, and have all of this figured out ahead of time. Divorce papers are available on line.... for an attorney to fill them out and file is usually under $500 but it varies in each state...)And this is the next point: How to not allow him to harrass you:

There was a book written years ago called "The Assertive Option" -- can't remember the author, but it is still available thru Amazon.com. Buy it, read it. In essence when you are dealing with someone like your husband who is doing just everything from laying a guilt trip on you to whining, you ignore it. You NEVER take the bait----NEVER. If he calls or comes over you ask him what he wants. If he "wants to talk", you change the subject and ask him if he came to see the children. If his response is, "No, I came to talk" you say, "We have been over this, I have nothing else to say, end of story, you[ll get the papers tomorrow (or next week, or whatever)." And if he again tries to change the subject, you just do the broken record routine, and repeat what you just said. Never, NEVER discuss something you do not wish to discuss -- then he has won. YOU run the conversation, not him, and YOU choose what you wish to discuss, not him. And when you sit with him to figure out your property settlement, you make sure that that is the subject, and ignore the whining and anything else that he may try to bring up Again, you NEVER take the bait.... And you analyse what you are going to say BEFORE you say it. You begin the meeting by telling him what the topic will be (say, your porperty settlement) and YOU tell him that at the end of 20 minutes, the session is over. Agree to a later discussion, with the same limitations. I hope this helps, sweetie

Answer 8

Have you thought of going to a marriage counselor? Communication takes place both ways. If you are really tired of it all, you have to stop him from coming to the house.
You should get on with your life, and that means eating and sleeping. You can't function otherwise. It does take time. So only you can decide how to go about it. If you are feeling guilty because of his actions , don't. It's wasted energy. Do go out, and rally your friends around you.
Good luck. Peace.

Answer 9

Sorry, I am on the side of working on your marriage and I am on his side. Mari, what about your vows? You all need work and restoration. Do you know how devastating and evil divorce is? I don't know what to say to you. Seems like you all DO have problems, but it doesn't seem so bad that you should throw it all away. Your KIDS let him in, huh? What are your grounds for ending your family's life and husband's life as you all have known it. I feel bad for you all and will pray for you. Peace, Mari.

Answer 10

This is a difficult situation. I think that I wouldn't react to his complaints. Sounds a bit self involved to me.
It is a real pity party thing. Find a neutral party to explain that if he continues to upset the kids and come over w/o prior notice then you will be forced to seek legal means to assure the kids are not being upset.
Good luck.