Was I Right?

Question

I posted a question earlier about what I should do, I am separated my husband and he is not taking it well. I just wanted to clarify what exactly happened. I was 18 when I got married and now am 35, we have three kids together. I went back to school about four years ago to get my nursing degree to better our lives. He said he totally supported my decision, but he became very insecure. He would never take the kids out when I needed to study, even if I begged him to. We always had our ups and downs like every married couple, but things just got worse. I was so stressed all the time between school, work and the kids that I ended up failing in my last semeter. I became resentful towards him because I felt like he didn't support me. He started to make some very bad decisions finacially. I am now in danger of losing my home because of it. For the past few months there was no intimacy and I felt like he was more like a room-mate instead of a husband. Everytime I tried to talk to him about it

he didn't want to hear what I said and would simply just walk away. We never went out, I would ask him and he always had an excuse. Now he tells me that it is a big shock to him that I want out of the marriage. How is that possible when I have been telling him for months how unhappy I have been? Just another prime example of our lack of communication. What really hurt me the most is that he accused me of having an affair. I was so upset by that comment because for the past 16 years I took my vows seriously. I never cheated and I tried to be the best wife I could. I was just tired of being unhappy. Am I right or wrong in the decision I have made? I just want other people's perspective because he makes me feel like I had nothing to complain about and things were just fine.

Thanks to all of you for the advice, I really appreciate it.

Answer 1

You definitely have something to complain about. But I would suggest marriage counseling to him before throwing the marriage away. You have both been together for so long and both of you got married for a good reason. Don't just throw that away. See what he says when you mention counseling. Maybe things could be worked out. Tell him that you are only human and that you can only take so much and SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Answer 2

No, you weren't right. "I, I, I" "Me, Me, Me." That's all your question says. There's nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself, but going back to school is the kind of commitment that requires the whole family's participation and support. For whatever reason, you didn't have it. My guess is you never asked for it. Your husband became insecure because your schooling rocked his schedule and upset the status quo. He was oblivious to your unhappiness because you didn't tell him effectively that you were unhappy. Of course, he feels blindsided.

Side note: Men are ALWAYS insecure. It doesn't just happen overnight - they live their lives that way.

He made bad financial decisions? I suppose going back to college was free??? Having been married for 16 years, you should know there are times when you feel like room mates instead of lovers. It's a phase.

Marriage is a team effort, and if you (the quarterback) don't clue the rest of the team into what the plays are, then you can't really blame them when you don't make any yardage on the play.

The good news is this is fixable. You can work through this communication and financial problem with counseling and a true desire to make the marriage work. Unless your husband is dead, you can ALWAYS work it out. For your sake, for his sake, for the kids' sake - TRY.

Answer 3

It sounds like your husband has some serious security issues. I've seen the type before. I think these types of men mean well. He wants to take care of you and the kids and not have you feel like you need to work to support the finances. So when you decide you want to do something, he gets all freaked out that maybe your setting up to go all independent and he doesn't like that feeling. He says he supports your decisions because he doesn't want you to think he can't handle it, but at the same time he really is freaked out about it. Maybe sit down and talk to him. Find out if you going back to school really bothered him or what. If he can't be honest with you, maybe some counseling would help. He needs to know that you are with him and if he can't handle you having a career too than maybe it's best to just go seperate ways. one can only work on a marriage so hard, but if the other is not willing to work too, than there is nothing else you can do.

Maybe this seperation will help him realize what's most important here and he'll try to work things out. A bad marriage is a hard thing to deal with. I watched my mom and dad struggle with a bad marriage for several years before they finally went seperate ways. Sometimes in the end, that is what's best for everyone.

I wish you all the best in this tough situation, and I hope things work out for the better. in the meantime be tough and don't let his insecurities stop you from doing what you want to do. Finish school and get your degree. There is absolutley nothing wrong with getting an education!!! He has issues that he needs to deal with, and no one can get him through it until he is willing to work it out as well.

Good Luck!!

Answer 4

RIGHT! I just answered your first question, and I am going to answer the 3rd one to. Yes, honey, you were right. He knew he was losing you as soon as you went to school. He got scared! That's why he didn't help with the kids, because proably he want you to fail. That way you would stay at home, and be the Mrs. the rest of your life. Unhappy to boot. He didn't want to spend time with you, but when you decide enough was enough things changed. What quarntee does he give you if you take him back, things don't go back to the same old same old. As, I said in the last question, you made a tough call, and I am happy that you know you have the right to be happy. Everyone needs to be. If he's so much in "love" now, tell him to prove it. Leave you alone for awhile, then prove it. Tell him to do the things that he should have been doing the whole marriage. Tell him to get financially secure, so you don't have to worry about where you are going to live. You are going to have to flat out tell him, it's too late. He woke up too late. That you have told him and told him, after so long the your heart couldn't take anymore negelect so it started to die. It dies little by little everytime he ignores you, doesn't help you, doesn't encourage you, everytime he makes you ask for what he should have be giving willingly.

I understand, and I know you are hurting so badly. You got married for life. To death do you part, and he broke the vows, to honor, love, and cherish. You can't carry the weight of a marriage. Marriage is 2 people who puts in way over their share of work into it. It's the hardest job on earth, and it takes 2 to keep things going smoothly. Again, I am so sorry. I wish you had a good support system, you need someone to pull you up by your boot straps, and encourage you and listen to you. To cuss with and cry with...not judge you..not critize you, or tell you are wrong..
because you aren't! You are RIGHT!

God bless us all..............................

Answer 5

First congratulations on your decision to go back to school nursing is a great profession with lots of jobs, good pay, and great benefits. Your husband should not have only supported you but picked up his efforts at home to give yo the time you needed to study. Why would anybody be insecure when their spouse is trying to better themselves in order to help the whole family. He has the problem not you. Perhaps you should try talking to someone that you both can trust like a member of the clergy. After 17 years together don't just let it go with out a fight. If he is unwilling to try to work with you and understand your needs and desires then you may have no choice but to kick him to the curb.

As for losing your home, please call the bank right away and explain the situation to them they would rather work with you than foreclose. Let them know that you are going to finish up nursing school and will than be able to handle the payments.

Do not be hard on yourself you are doing something that most spouses would be proud of you for. When my wife wanted to go back to school I thought it was great and although it required an effort on all parts she was happy and worked in the profession for many years. Good luck you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a husband that needs to wake up and smell the bacon...

Answer 6

Your husband has insecurity issuse. Like he is trying to trap you. It seems he doesn't want you to exceed. Sometimes my husband does that to me. And, I hate it. Be careful, you made the right decision on leaving him. I know you care about him, and don't wish anything bad to happen. But, he is a grown man who can take care of himself and emotions. Your free now, enjoy it. And, just don't look back, be positive and look forward. Things will work out for you. The hardes part I'm sure was having the courage to leave him. Keep your head up! Good luck!

Answer 7

Go with what is right for you.......seems that getting a trial seperation may be what it needed to put things back on track or confirm what you already feel..........

Answer 8

you got a right to be happy.

Answer 9

whose gonna read all that??????