What do I do?

Question

I recently separated from my husband after 16 years of marriage. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make, but I was thinking of what was best for me and the kids. My husband and I just grew apart. I do love him, but am no longer in love with him. He has put me through so much financially and emotionally that I just felt I couldn't take it anymore. I asked him to leave last week and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. He comes over everday and does nothing, but cry and lay the guilt trip on me. He talks about not wanting to live life if I'm not in it. I don't want to see anything bad happen to him, but I don't want to be guilted into taking him back. I am so confused right now. I just wanted to see if anyone out there had any advice on what I should do. I know that I no longer want to be with him and it is best for the kids, but I don't want to be responsible for his unhappiness.

I know that the pain he is feeling is because of me, but should I forsake my own happiness in order for him to be happy? I am not a cruel person, I don't like the fact that I hurt him. I just want to be happy and be a good mother to my kids. Being in the marriage I felt like I was lost. I was so depressed all the time I ended up being put on medication to deal with the depression. Although I do feel bad for his pain, I also feel relieved that I finally did something to change the situation. I just want him to get over this and I know it will take time. I am so worried that he will go out and do something stupid and I don't know if I could live with the guilt of being the one who drove him to such extremes. I don't have the support of my family and only have a couple friends. I really need some advice on what to do. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

He says this is big shock to him and he doesn't know how to deal with it. One of our biggest issues was lack of communication. I tried telling him so many times that I was not happy and wanted to talk about it, but he never did. Now he claims to be listening to what I am saying to him, but he really isn't. He tells me to tell him what went wrong and when I try, he goes into the guilt trip on how I ripped his heart out. He is literally making me miserable.

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

Answer 1

People are responsible for their own happiness and unhappiness....don't take the blame here. I am sorry that it ended this way but as you concluded it is for the best.
Also use caution as when you tell him not to come by as much he might react with anger. Good Luck

Answer 2

I can certainly identify with this! I was married to my youngest son's father for 18 yrs. We had the same problem...mainly no communication.We could ride 500 miles together in the car and never speak a word! If we had any kind of problem it got swept under the rug.He always said he was listening,but he never did.I was so depressed and unhappy I too was on medication.You are doing the right thing.No one is responsible for your happiness but YOU!I am a firm believer that if mom's not happy..the kids aren't happy! I wish i could go back and do it over because I would have left long before I did.Staying for the kids is so wrong.more often than not you will get the guilt trip and the accusations and the threats of harming themselves..or you,but most don't follow thru,it is a way to make you do something you don't want to do.Granted there are a few that go to the extremes and a restraining or protective order is needed,but mostly it is exactly what you said...a guilt trip! Do what you think is best for you no matter what your family or most of your friends think.Keep him at a friendly distance and don't back down.Prepare for your new life and insist if you must for him to do the same.Keep it amicable for the kids sake if you can,but be strong,hold your head up and be happy!You will feel like a whole new woman..I did! Good luck in your new life and I wish you lots of happiness.As for his..that's on him,he has to learn that too.

Answer 3

Hi Mari,

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. However, you have got to stop thinking that you are responsible for your husband emotional well fare.

You need to stop him from coming over, even if it means getting an order from a judge. You are going to have to be firm with him, and tell him you need at least two weeks to think without him keeping you so upset that you cannot think.

I don't know the ages of the kids, but they do not need a mom that is upset all the time, or see a dad that is setting around crying and not wanting to live. Kids come first, maybe you can get your husband to see this. If you cannot, then make sure you see that the kids are your first and foremost responsibility.

If you are not in church, then I encourage you to find one. A good faith based non-denominational one would be great. The support to you and the kids would be tremendous.

God will give you peace like you would not believe. Believe me, I have been there. I would not take anything for my relationship with God.

Be Blessed. I will pray for you.

Answer 4

First thing first. Understand that you're not only having marital problem but you are undergoing psychological problem which is called depression. Separation is not the answer since your husband is also in a desperate situation as well. In my opinion, this can only alleviate your problem. You can try to consult a psychiatrist and be open for counsel. Take his advice seriously .Though your husband is a big pain in the neck, you can not put all the blame to him. There is always a cause and effect in every situation. Try to have a self-examination, and you will be surprise that the problem could be just a lack of open communication from both of you. Lastly, it might be hard but learn to forgive. As you forgive and let go, you set the prisoner free and later discover that the prisoner was you. lol

Answer 5

From the perspective of a strong man in a long-term marriage, your husband is not doing a very good job of showing up as a strong man. Crying and begging isn't a great sign of courage and strength.

But if he had courage and strength you wouldn't have left him, would you? Did he start good and get worse? Did you ever really love him?

He's responsible for getting himself together. He didn't give you what you needed from a man in a marriage relationship, however he is the father of your children. That is something to take into account. How do you plan on handling that?

Ultimately, my advice is to take a few weeks to pay attention to who you are and who he is. Is the marriage salvagable? Is it worth it for the kids? You have to discover this in yourself, no one can help you with this one - no one - you need to find these answers inside yourself.

Tell him that it upsets you when he puts on these emotional displays and you would really appreciate it if he would stop when he was around you. Do this in a calm manner, don't get emotional about it.

But most important pay attention pay attention pay attention - this is pretty important - you're talking about taking actions that will seriously affect the rest of your life.

Good luck

FP

Answer 6

I understand were you are coming from but i do not think that you should let your husband come back into the home. I said home and not life. Your husband still should be apart of you life and should be able to see your children too. I know that in the beginning it will seem hard but soon you would get used to it. If you are not divorce things might change and you and your husband might just be going Thur a stage. You'll might get back together but you might not. You really have to make the decision yourself and you really have to consider alot of things. i hope i have given you another look on this problem and i hope that you will make this work. Best of luck!

Answer 7

Sorry about your situation. You really need to concentrate on you and the kids. If your not happy with him. Then why stay with him. 16 years is a long time. Do you honestly think he is going to change now? He is laying the guilt trip on you, so you will take him back. Obviously he took 16 years of your life. Please take care of your own happiness. Eventually he will move on. And, realize he probably wasnt happy either. God bless you and Good luck!

Answer 8

Mari, my heart goes go to both you and your husband. Your husband finally decided to wake up, and now he's going to have deal with it. I know you don't want to hurt him, and I know in your heart that care for him, but you are going to have to take control of situtation. The next time he comes over, which I quess would be today, give him a time limit. Tell him you are going upstairs, and you would appreciate it if he would leave at the certain time. Tell him till until you two can sit down as adults with no outbursts of any kind, you have nothing to say. Don't let him have the upper hand. If he's willing to sit down with you and calmly talk about things, the first out of your mouth should be something like this...Ok, I know you are unhappy and I am sorry but, this is how it's going to be. Advise him to seek therphy because things have changed and you can't deal with him emotionally bashing you everyday. If he can't do it for himself, then he needs to do it for the kids. They don't need and hear Daddy behave and threaten his life everytime he comes over. That's fair and it's definetly not right.

As far as it seems, if he doesn't want to follow the "rules" then you are going to have to ban him from your home. He would be able to come pick up the kids a couple times of week. This seems so mean I know. But, honey just like you said you don't want to be guilted into taking him back. He's got you so confused till you are sick. Please think of yourself and those precious children of yours. He's heart broken, but so are you. His pain is no more than yours. I hope he will seek conseling for hisself, it wouldn't harm you to go to. Seperatley. and maybe as a family to deal with the new way of life everyone is going through.

Sweetie, I am so sorry that you had to make this choice, you can't keep on like this. He's going to destroy what little sanity you do have left. Please, please you made one of the hardest decisions in your life, and it's going to be easy starting over, but you did it. Now, he needs to come to terms with it, and for his own happiness and well being he needs to let go. And you may have to push. You thought the hard part was over when you asked him to leave, and it should have been. Hopefully, after your
"adult" talk it will be. Please take care as best you can, I know it's rough, but you can survive it. You are a very brave person, a lot of people would have just unhappy for the rest of your lives. But you know you deserve more! Now let's get it!


God bless us all...................

Answer 9

You are not responsible for his unhappiness, so don't let him tell you otherwise. Obviously you have thought about your decision of separation and what is good for you and your children. If you feel it is best for whatever reasons, then stay firm and don't give in. If you do, you will be back to square 1 and am certain you don't want to go that route again!

Answer 10

If there is no hope of ever getting back with him then I'm afraid he'll just have to learn to accept it one way or another. I know that u don't want to be responsible for his unhappiness and u SHOULDN'T be. U can't be responsible for someone else's feelings but your own and your husband will just have to learn it the hard way. Sorry.