"Secrets Left Untold"
I remember the day that I looked
deep into your soul.
And found all of the secrets
that had been left untold.
No! Wait!
Please don't be afraid.
I am your imagination
Someone you have made.
I crawl into your room
where I protect you from night.
Even thought I'm always with you,
I am always out of sight.
Look not with your eyes
but deep in your heart.
To find the true me
that's where you must start.
I'm just around the courner
in each little cranny and nook.
I'm not that hard to find
if you know how to look.
I am always in your heart.
I will never leave you.
But please ecxept this kiss
in case somehow I do.
I am the secret that hides
deep withen your soul.
And now you have no more secrets
to be left untold.
2006-09-09 08:15:31 · 30 answers · asked by Socastee_Angel 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Other - Entertainment
i want to publish it in this mag. in school.
2006-09-09 08:21:38 · update #1
the ending is not that good.
2006-09-09 08:23:10 · answer #1 · answered by ☆LiAn☆ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i write poems alot, very similar to your style, but i am only 13. i think it is a great, great poem and there are a few lines of absolute genius. however... a couple of lines let the side down. this line didnt work because the beat wasnt right, you lost the rythm, say it to yourself and your mouth gets a bit stuck, it needs an extra line
"No! Wait!
Please don't be afraid.
I am your imagination
Someone you have made."
i think that you should keep everything as it is, but then add a line under those four, ending with a rhyming word for imagination. No! Wait! can just be an additional couple of words that doesnt count as a line.
i am afraid that is the only advice i can give you, the poem is that good! next to flawless. it is the best poem i have heard in a long time! 9.5/10, keep it up!
2006-09-09 08:33:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You definitely have potential. But you can do better. The key to becoming a good writer is to read other people's work - especially work that you admire. It'll infuse into your soul. The other key to being a good writer is to WRITE! - write like your life depends on it.
What I'm trying to say is - you need more depth. For a teenager, this poem is good. For your everyday real world writer - it's been done. Aim for originality. Find your soul and write from it.
2006-09-09 08:21:23 · answer #3 · answered by Alex B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like this whole poem except for the "No! Wait!" part...i think it spoils the dark and fuzzy mood of the poem..u no the mood..i think u should exclude that part...and other than that...some little grammar/spelling mistakes like except and though...so just be careful and edit it...other than that i think it's great....i also liked it how the ending matchs/relates back to the beginning...however i think that u can do better by using words with more depths to match ur poems layout and mood/feelings...and really seriouslly cancel out the no wait part...it's awefull...and ya that's my opinion hope i helped...it's good though...continue writing more..and u'll improve....and here's a few poems..i either got from internet or my friends and i made...hope these will help...(most of them are similar to yours)
I need a heart that carries on through the pain…
When the walls start collapsing again…
Give me a soul that never ceases to follow…
Despite the infection within…
The devil has won on this black night…
Drove two friends into a desperate fight…
Tore apart their lives in a blink of an eye…
If luck holds neither of them will die…
Whispered words of power, all full of lies…
Left a girl all alone at home while she cries…
For the devil has won on this black night…
Because he drove two friends into a desperate fight…
You are my road to heaven…
Your eyes are the windows to my soul…
Your smile could heal a million hearts…
Your love completes my existence…
You’re the other half that makes me whole…
The moon, it comes to life at night…
Escaping from humanity…
With it’s light beaming through the darkness…
And glowing through the darkest parts of the night…
“I’ll never rest, never die, until the day I can at least find you, and say goodbye.”
Loving him is giving him the power to destroy you…
But only trusting him not to…
"History is like an endless waltz, the three beets of war, peace and revolution continue on forever."
The last that she ever saw him…
Carried away by the moonlight shadow…
He passed on worries and warnings…
Carried away by the moonlight shadow…
Lost in a riddle that Saturday night…
Far away on the other side…
He was caught within the darkness,
Caught in the middle of a desperate fight…
And she couldn’t find how to push through…
She was also desperate that he’d stay…
The trees that whispered in the evening…
Carried away by a moonlight shadow…
Sings a song within the heart of sorrow and grieving…
Carried away by the moonlight shadow…
i hope that helped..and if anyone wants more of these poems, quotes and little phrases u ppl can contact me anytime...good luck on ur poems...
2006-09-09 08:23:47 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really like it. It makes me think of what i have in common with the poem you are very good. Maybe if you publish it in the mag you can also submit it at poetry.com i submit mine there a lot. it is a very kul place for poets like yourself to go.
2006-09-09 11:36:29 · answer #5 · answered by A Friend Of The Band I Swear 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The sentiment is beautiful,
the meaning is no worse;
It makes my heart long for more,
but sounds a bit rehearsed.
Don't put so much
thought and time,
In every little beat and rhyme.
Just bleed your soul,
cry your heart,
and heal yourself through writing.
2006-09-09 08:23:47 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's fair but it needs something to ground it a bit. I would also change the layout. It's actually a bit tricky to read.
2006-09-09 08:22:54 · answer #7 · answered by Ben R 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes I think that's wonderful: all pomes express person's feeling
because they can show it as well ! my thoughts deepend as much for every day relize happyness is sweet& good memory
complete better life
2006-09-09 08:29:27 · answer #8 · answered by toddk57@sbcglobal.net 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This poem is a beautiful poem and i think you should really consider publishing it it rings true in every since of the word!:)
2006-09-09 08:20:06 · answer #9 · answered by Shawn T 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
well, it starts off nice, then you change the scheme and it sounds like you are trying to drag it out. do some editing and it will be very good
2006-09-09 08:17:59 · answer #10 · answered by NNY 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was bored as soon as I got to "No! Wait!"
It's not original, just another wangsty teen poem.
2006-09-09 08:21:22 · answer #11 · answered by Belie 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋