She lies and I can not trust her.?

Question

My soon to be X-wife & I have been married for 24 years and have six children, and 4 still at home. She said she fell out of love with me 6 years ago and knew she would leave me eventually. She left 3 months ago. She was and is having an affair for the last 2 years with a co-worker. She did not work outside the home during our marriage. She took care of all of us. Our life was great. We were best friends. We were involved in church. As the church grew so did its power struggles. In short, we were ask to leave. We started drinking and feeling sorry for ourselves because of the rejection from the community. We relocated and continued to drink. Now today I havent had a drink for 90 days, and feel great. She still drinks and lives with her boyfriend ( who is married and has 3 kids). I have changed because of not drinking and because I want to be a good dad for my kids that are left here to raise. She wants to see them and I do not want the kids near That life style anymore. Help!

She will be getting her apt. soon and I asked if her drinking buddy boyfriend will be living with her still, she would not tell. I dont want the kids to live in that environment again. She legally will have them every other weekend. I told her I would involve DFS, and have a social worker assigned to our family to hold her accountable if she cant help herself to sober up. I told her get help or she wont see the kids.

Answer 1

XXXX I agree with you but I still feel a child needs his mom so maybe a few hours at a park with you keeping an eye on them in a distance may suffice for now. Good luck hun. and Happy to hear you are sobber.

Answer 2

I can see why the church asked you to leave over power struggles. You are the type of person who has to be in control over everything. Life doesn't work that honey. The only person you have control over is yourself. You allowed drinking in your home when you were doing it, but now that you aren't, it's not okay for her? I understand the concept of being clean and sober, however, you need to understand the concept that your soon to be ex has not reached that point yet, or that she may never reach that point. And threatening her, isn't going to get her to comply to your "demands" any sooner. It will make it worse. You have to remember that this is one of the reasons she is no longer with you....she did not want to be controlled. I think you need to re-evaluate the situation and put the needs of your children first. You claim that she was a great stay at home mom all these years. I find it a little far fetched to believe that has changed. I think this has more to do with you punishing her for her desire to leave. Honey, I'm a social worker and if I can see right through this, I'm sure the courts in your system will too. You have no idea how much damage you will do to your children by keeping them away from their primary caretaker. I suggest you don't toe the line to find out. The consequences far out weigh the risks.

Answer 3

I have 4 kids, all of which lived with me until 1 1/2 yrs ago. My 2 youngest (6&7) just told me their father told them "mommy doesn't love you that's why she gave you to me". They tell me stuff like that all the time and I can't even talk to their father about it because they beg me not to "so they don't get into trouble". All I can do is reassure them that I do love them (I'm telling you this because kids suffer when they are put in the middle).

You should LET YOUR KIDS DECIDE IF THEY WANT TO SEE THEIR MOTHER. They are the ones who will be hurt the most, not her.

Just because it didn't work out with you and your wife, she will always be the mother of your children. You can never change that. One day those kids will be old enough to make their own decisions and they will resent you if you deny them the right to see their mother. Enforce supervised visits if you don't trust her alone with the kids. If you file a petition for custody with family court tell the judge she drinks and you want supervised visits and they will court order alcohol counseling. You will both have to agree on a person to supervise the visits and if you don't have a mutual friend or family member that you trust, they have local agencies (salvation army, etc.) that can monitor visits.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Go through the courts! Get a lawyer or start being your own lawyer before she goes and gets one. The best thing I would say is that she can not have them alone but she can have supervised parenting time every weekend in your home and with you being around. My husband has to start his visitations with his daughter in this manner (the funny thing is he is being treated this way and he is the most decent clean guy so your wife should definetly not have the privelage of having them alone with her being a drunk).
Go to the court house for your county immediately and fill out FORMS that such as:

-General Steps to Getting a Divorce or Legal Separation
With Children of This Marriage
-Petition for Dissolution of Marriage or Legal Separation
-Motion to Compel Under (asking for her financial records for child support)
-Parenting Plan
-Notice to Set Hearing (so that you may go before a judge)
-Motion for Appointment of a Child and Family Investigator Pursuant to

Some of these forms are even on the website to the court if not you must go in and maybe a clerk will help you find these forms.
Log EVERYTHING, if she emails that's great, try to communicate withher strictly through email because just verbal conversation can tend to be he said she said. Gather a witness or two to her behaviors lately. Even have a child psychologist or someone of mental health profession look at the situaiton and write a letter as to how the mother/children relationship can be damaging. You of course are opent o their relationship blossoming in the future, you would never want to keep your children from their mother, you just want was is best for your children and you think they deserve a fit mother not a drunk.
Good luck and try not to let things delay get a head start!

Answer 5

This is very sad. I can also understand. My husband left me after 24 years of marriage also, for another woman. We used to be involved in the church also, although we weren't asked to leave, we decided to move 50 miles away since we decided to buy our own home. We moved into our home 2 years ago and the rest of my marriage fell apart here. I can now see that there was trouble in our marriage for a while now. My husband was and still is an alcoholic. I used to drink with him often, but I thank God that I didn't become an alcoholic also. But he found himself a drinking partner with this other woman, who has 3 kids, all with down syndrome. I tell you this, because I want you to realize that you are not alone.

My husband walked out on me last November for the first time. I thought I was going to die. He was all I ever knew, I met him when I was 16. He came back in February, but I just found out that he never really left the "other" woman. Therefore, he is now out for good. I cannot say out of my life, because we have two children, one is an adult and one is a teen. I intend on being his friend, but that is all.
It is important to keep communication open. 24 years is a long time to share your life with someone. At some point, it's more than just a relationship, even though you may not be together, a bond of some sort has developed throughout all those years.

Your wife wants to see her kids, don't deprive her of it. I don't know how old your kids are, but you need to explain to them at whatever level they are in, that their mother has a problem and has made unfortunate decisions that keep you apart, but that she loves them. Don't put her down in front of the kids if you can help it. I know it isn't easy, but she is still their mother and regardless of what she does, they still love her.

If you need to chat, get in contact with me. Good luck.

Answer 6

I think what you are going through is just a power struggle... The love that you have for your kids and the long gone but still present commitment that a traditional marriage would bring.
You have to carry on.
It is tough and you may feel like you cannot move on without her. But trust me when I say, I have been there and am moving on.
I have come a long way since the days that I told myself that I cannot live without my 'better half'.
You have a larger purpose in your life now.
You have your kids, their future and your eternity to worry about.
If you have stopped drinking thats because you are a born again christian. Amen, Give thanks to God.
Your former wife should remain exactly that, Former.
Read the Bible, Proverbs and then Psalms. Will give you a lot of peace.

Answer 7

First let me say Congrats!!! Good for you - 9 months without drinking is great!! Ok, now to your other stuff, I would get the courts involved. I understand you don't want your kids around that stuff. I wouldn't let them either. Fight to keep them safe, maybe have her come to your house to see them (while you are there) or meet someplace like McDonald's, and you can have a cup of coffee, while she visits with the kids. Maybe once she sees that her life is going to be that way as long as she acts the way she does, she'll quit drinking too. Good luck.

Answer 8

Firstly, don't stop her from seeing her kids, that'll only make matters worse. Maybe seeing the kids will drive some sense into her. Try to encourage her to get help. You guys let the devil win. Take back the life that's rightfully yours, regardless of the relationship she's in encourage her to seek help and fast! You're both not young anymore. I'm glad you were strong enough to kick the habit and I know the love for your kids helped, so do the same for her, allow to see the kids but supervised.

Answer 9

It does not sound like you have been dry long enough to make a difference with your dealing with her. This is a sad affair. It is a glaring example of what happens when your emotional well being comes from outside your house. Churches have been wrecking havoc on people since the early Roman days. Religion is about power not redemption.

Answer 10

If the kids are old enough,let them decide.But most of all DO NOT USE THE KIDS TO GET REVENGE ON YOUR EX WIFE FOR WHAT SHE HAS DONE TO YOU.They deserve to have their mother.Get over your hurt and move on,the kids deserve to have a parent that is balanced and provides them with love and support.Congrats on the not drinking,it is the best thing you could do for you and your kids,it takes a lot of strength to beat a drinking problem and you should be commended for that.

Answer 11

Gosh...you have had some dramas!! And congratulations on giving up drinking. I understand how you feel...I good friend of mine went through the same thing are you are. All you can do is provide security, support and love for your children, it won't be long, if they don't see it already, that she really doesn't provide for what they need most.
Hang in there, and I hope you too will meet someone new who understands what is happening, and gives her support also. Good luck and best wishes!