my friend's on-off relationship dramas are driving me mad! What should I do?

Question

my friend's boyfriend suffers from severe depression made worse by his drinking heavily. when he gets like that he is unkind to my friend, and sometimes leaves her on her own in town with nowhere to stay and stuff like that, he self harms, sometimes in front of her, and regularly finishes with her. Every time this happens she is distraught, and I spend ages listening to her and talking it through with her as any good friend would. I gave her a spare key to my house in case he ever left her with nowhere to go, and have picked her up in the midddle of the night and stuff. But then a day or 2 later she gets back together with him, they are happy for a few days, then he finishes with her again and it all starts over.The last time they finished she assured me it was for good, and now I feel like a fool because I was saying how happy I was she could now move on, it was for the best, etc. and now they're back together! To be honest I'm losing a lot of sympathy, am I a bad friend?

Answer 1

no sometimes these dramas are so boring that you just need to let them get on with it.as long as your friend is not being abused move on and let them sort themselves out.

Answer 2

sBy picking her up each time, you are actually providing her with 'permission'. It's time for tough love. Tell her that you will support her whatever she does, and that you are her friend, but you don't want to hear about her relationship any more. Ask to have the key back. What if the boyfriend get hold of it and decides to punish you for siding with her.
I had a very good friend in a situation like this and in the end had to tell her that since she never took notice of any advice or help, I simply didn't want to hear about it any more.It was draining me mentally and emotionally as I was being sucked into her disasterous love life.
Once I had removed myself as her emotional crutch and she had to face the reality of coping with things on her own, she broke up with the boyfriend. The whole time I was offering sympathy and respite, she never had to face up to things.
She and I are still friends some 5 years later and she says I should have got tough with her sooner.

Answer 3

Let her know how you feel and how her relationship is affecting you. if she doesn't respect then how are you being a bad friend. I'm sorry but one can do so much she is beyond help. she needs to gain self confidence and help her self she is the only one dragging herself back down. Hang out with someone new or find your own boyfriend. If she is really meant to stay your friend she will be back. This is something she must do on her own. let her know you are there for her but you can only put up with so much.

Answer 4

No, you've been a good friend and the good part is that you've exercised tolerance. When people exhibit a pattern of inconsistency or unreliability, it is within your right to start looking after your own self-interests.

The whole reason Customer Service Reps at companies are accommodating and patient is so that they can keep on file how they were more than generous when it comes to dealing with customers. That way, if there are any problems where the customer claims there was mistreatment or abuse, the company can defend itself.

In your case, you can have a clear conscience knowing that you extending an olive branch and went above and beyond that of a friend.

The problem is that you now need to set up boundaries for yourself so that your friend doesn't abuse her relationship with you by always using you as the person to fall back on.

If you watch "When Harry Met Sally," you'll notice that Harry would always use Sally as someone to fall back on as a date for New Year's Eve. Your friend is continually using you to fall back on, but then she goes back to the same pattern.

You have a right to say no or when enough is enough.

I had a similar situation where a person was refusing to listen to my business advice. I kept telling him for three years what was wrong with the way he was conducting business and why he couldn't pull in enough money to cover simple expenses such as his rent, cell phone bill, and basic necessities to operate a business.

For the first year, I didn't say anything. I finally spoke up the second year. The third year is when he finally admitted that I was right. However, he still engaged in the same pattern.

I finally got fed up with him when he tired to borrow more money from me. I told him that if he's not going to listen to my advice on how to fix his finances not to come running to me to borrow money.

If someone isn't going to take my advice, I shouldn't have to be responsible for footing the bill for his financial blunders when I already stated what is wrong with the process that he's using.

You're in a similar situation and you are within your rights to step up and tell your friend what is wrong and that if she doesn't clean up her act, she shouldn't continue leaning on you and expecting you to be the one to console her.

You have already told her what is wrong with the guy and so far she hasn't listened. It is unfair for her to rely upon you for support when you've told her numerous times that the guy is bad for her, and she keeps on ignoring your advice and then making herself a burden to you by having you be the one to catch her every time she falls.

That is a form of abuse when it comes to friendship. You are justified in taking any methods necessary to distance yourself without feeling any guilt or remorse. Make it clear to her that if she's not going to listen to your advice, there's not much else you can do for her and it's unfair for her to drag you down with her unresolved problems when she's been attempting to use the same methods of solving that problem, which don't seem to work.

There's a saying:

"Stupidity isn't making mistakes. It's making the same mistake over and over again and expecting a different outcome."

Answer 5

No. you are not a bad friend but I think that you have done as much as you can. I think your friend has a rejection issue and needs to work on that. I would let your friend know that it hurts you to see her hurt all the time but that you think that getting involved with it is not helping. She has to be the one that makes the decision of when enough is enough. Do let her know that she deserves to be treated better then that and that no woman ,or man for that matter, should put up with abuse. We all deserve better then that in life.

Answer 6

No..youre not a bad friend...just a frustrated one...I speak from experience when I tell you that your friend is just as confused as to why she goes back to him.. with me it was the idea that I was raised on the (old fashioned?) idea that unions between man and woman were to be forever...I now realize that in this day and age "forever" is a relative term. Sooner or later your friend will be the one to say enough is enough and mean it. Until then if you want to continue being her friend, you'll just have to endure the yo yo trip she's on. 'sigh'.....Or you can be brutally honest with her and say "Look,...if you want to continue doing this to yourself then spare me the drama" .
If she is YOUR friend , then she'll respect what you ask.
Good Luck
and Nlessed Be~

Answer 7

No, you're not a bad friend. You're doing everything you can. Theres a point however, where you just have to realize that she's got to figure things out for herself. Sounds like a typical case of "Battered Wife syndrome" (for her, except Battered GF in this case). Try to read up on this condition on the web. Google it. It might help you wrap your head around it.

Answer 8

You're a wonderful friend, and you're triing very hard to help.
However it is not always possible to help. Not always people REALLY want to be helped.
Your friends have a serious problem: they both suffer of depression and they both react by hurting themselves. It is very difficult to help them. Probably the best thing you can do by yourself is to let them alone for a while and be prepared to be there if needed.

Answer 9

I'm dealing with a similar situation with one of my best friends and as much as it hurts, I've had to limit the time we spend together because it hurts my heart to see her putting herself through this. I have not told her why we're not spending as much time together but to my surprise, she seems to know exactly why. Now the time we do spend together is much more pleasant. She is still going through the same types of on again/off again patterns but doesn't pour her negativity onto me anymore. Also, she seems to be getting the message from my behavior that this is not normal.

Answer 10

No , your not a bad friend. Your friend has to learn herself and she will eventually get tired of it. She is probly afraid og being alone, so she goes back to him. Goodluck and dont turn your back on your friends. She will need someone when the time comes that she is really sincere about leaving him alone and making a new start.

Answer 11

She has to do what she needs to do - maybe you could help her boost her confidence so that she has the ability to dump him once and for all. Sounds like she has issues of her own to stay with this guy.

If you can't be the friend she needs then you need to tell her, because all of the advice you seem to be giving her and helping her is linked to her getting shot of him, and it seems like that's because that's what you want for yourself for a quiet life - not necessarily for your friends happiness.