Four years together, still not married... WTF?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We have a good relationship and I love him alot-- he even moved to the same city I go to med school in so we could be together. For the past 3 years, marriage was not something on my mind. But now I'm in my last year of medical school and will likely have to move to a new city for residency. My boyfriend always says that he wants to get married sometime in the near future. His game plan is for us to move wherever my residency is and buy a house together. We currently live seperately (he nixed the idea of living together when his lease expired in June). I have no doubts that he will move to the new city with me, but I dislike the love of my life being comfortable changing cities &making a huge purchase like a house, but marrying me "sometime in the future" We've discussed marriage and he said we could do it, but I want him to want us to marry by his own accord, not me give an ultimatium. What would you all do?

So we just got in an argument over this. He says he's not where he wants to be and if he doesn't get his MBA that I'll be bored with him later. He's applying to schools for this year. But it is totally untrue, I wouldn't have minded if he didn't have a Bachelor's as long as he was a hard worker with ambition. Anywho, I told him that there wasn't much point in him moving to the same city as wherever I get my residency unless he wanted to continue living apart because I wasn't purchasing a house with him/moving in together until we're married. The saddest part is that the person who said that marriage is a state of mind is 110% correct. I guess we're both not in the proper state of mind in any event. The convo ended poorly and I said that I was done. And now I feel sick and sad.

Answer 1

Sometimes it takes a little action to get what you want....Make plans and let him in on this...about where your going to live, blah blah, blah...Making these plans and not including him....If he ask tell him you do not plan on moving into a house, heck buying one without being married first....You are going to be putting in many hours and you don't need the added stress of your BF and marriage, you may want to rethink this....Personally I'm the type that waits for no one and would rather be alone then deal with someone else's drama.....Good luck next year, get plenty of sleep now and learn to eat on the run.... :)

Answer 2

I would give him an ultimatum or just ask him why marriage hasn't been included in the plan yet. Tell him that you want to be married before you purchase a house since it's something married people do as a couple. And just see where it goes from there. If you want to be married and he is avoiding it or wanting to wait longer than the 4 years you have been together, I would end it. Best of luck and remember that when you marry someone you are basically saying you can accept the good and the bad in that person for the rest of your life and not require them to make any changes.

Answer 3

Before you start evaluating the relationship you have with this guy against the goal of marriage, ask around to friends from the profession and figure out how many of them kept a marriage intact through residency and the first few years of practice. You might find that the ones who did not marry their significant others for several years after getting along in their careers had much more stable and successful marriages. You might not. In any case, it's important to respect the facts that (a) the first few years of a high-stress profession are not necessarily the best time to go the first few years of a marriage and (b) a lot of non-married couples survive through the stress of a beginning professional career a lot better than married couples do. If you really feel that marriage and a family in the next few years is important to you, you might consider a more family-friendly profession than modern medicine, such as undercover law enforcement or the combat military.

Answer 4

Wow!-I totally hear you girl-I am in medical school right now and going to school, working and maintaining a long term adult relationship is hell-but anyway-I would concentrate on your school and residency right now-if he loves you, then he will wait and stick by you-i mean you should not have to worry about this right now-i hear you on the making huge purchases thing and not wanting to get married-my fiance will not think twice about spending $50,000 on a new truck, or $10,000 on a motorcycle, but he still lives at home and has yet to buy me my ring-i told him all i ask is an engagement ring and a wedding band-but no, he can't afford it-hes like we got 4 or 5 years-i know that if that time comes and we are still not married, then i know he will never commit-and i will be successfull enough by then and will more than likely be having a rewarding job and might not have time for the whole thing anymore-i mean there comes a point when you either have to move on, or let go-i mean an ultimatum is harsh, but sometimes you have to in order to get the point across-good luck girl, i am proud of you for almost finishing medical school and good luck with your residency-SuzyBelle

Answer 5

JUST THOUGHT I WOULD CLEAR THINGS UP A BIT........

Well, that's your opnion Megan! My answer was by far not the worst, you just didn't want to accept it because YOU did not like it. And obviously you did not fully absorb what I was saying because I did NOT say that JUST because you became intimate with him that there is no mystery. The point that I was trying to get at was that your so focused on the fact that you have been with this man for four years and you have only discussed marriage. My point on that was "traditional" ; basically I was saying that you were not fixtated on marriage in the beginging, if you were you would have been content. And I understand that yuu did not suggest that you have had intercourse, I was assuming and that was due to the mere fact that you guys have been together for four years. Im quite sure there has been some form of intimatecy. Also, yes I personally do not believe in sex before marriage. And no I never had boyfriend, because im keeping my options open and I don't want to be held to any relationship when I know im not ready. Don't assume that just because I never had a boyfriend (my choice) that I have no life experience with men. I talk to plenty of men. I don't have to call a man my boyfriend..as I have stated before..my options r open. Obviously to avoid the dillemas your having in your relationship. I see fit to observe and get to know the individual im talking to beofore dedicating myself. That way IM able to leave before it get's so deeop that im stuck in a rut...kinda like yourself! So don't tell me I have no life experience, im 22 and who told you that I have not completed in other formal education besides HS? look in all my post, I never say that and you obvioulsy don't know what your talking about. Secondly did I ask if the advicepal was a bad or good idea? NO!

Answer 6

You should ask me what he wants from you. That would be a start. Second, maybe he is waiting for the right time. maybe he feels you are not ready being that you are still in school. 4 years is not a long time in my view but to each its own.

However, the best thing is to talk to him about what are his plans for the future.?
Have you all talked about children?
Have you two made a 5 year plan for you two lives together or is it an "I" thing?

Think about it and see what you really want and ask him what he wants?

Trust me its no rush, it feels the same way except you have to cook, clean, make sure his clothes are ironed etc... Marriage is a grown up thing


GOOD LUCK

Answer 7

well have you ever asked him why he doesnt want to get married. I have been married for 10 years and it is not all that enjoy what you have. The only benifit Marriage really is for medical and legal reasons you can still live together without being married see where life takes you and don't rush things things happen for a reason who knows where life will take you

Answer 8

I would tell him that you are hoping he ask's soon! I would also let him know that you want to marry him and wouldn't buy a house or want to move in together. I would ask him his thoughts! You don't need to give him an ultimatum to ask him when and if he is planning on getting married! I would tell him how you feel, I don't think he would do it if it wasn't on his own accord!
Good luck!

Answer 9

haha!..okay, I totally understand where you are coming from! : )

Here's my distillation of my marriage experience:

Having a ring on your finger does NOT make you married!
Having agreed upon wedding vows does NOT make you married!

Marriage is a state of MIND...

And what do I mean by that?

You must have the other person's interests at heart as # 1 Priority if you really want to be married...and vice versa.

If he is willing to buy a house without getting your opinion, is he really ready to be married?

If you want him to marry you because you think it "is time," do you really have his interests as #1 Priority?

Perhaps you are good friends..good lovers...maybe even good roommates, but not ready for the whole MARRIAGE-state-of-mind that needs to take place.

You can't slap a ring on your finger and consider yourself married...the ring and the ceremony are really just the SYMBOLS of a new way of non-selfish way of thinking that you are both willing to embrace.

Answer 10

Maybe he wants to be financially secure before you both make a big step (Marriage). I'm sure he wants to marry you. 4 years really isn't that bad. I think he might have something special in-store for you. Be patient. Good come to those who wait. Keep your faith! Best of luck!