What's wrong? Why do I still love abusive husband, how do I let go?

Question

Well, I got tired of my husband's verbal and emotional abusive ways I told him either he's going to try or it's over. Our house is almost in foreclosure and we have 2 small children. He says that he wants to sell the house then he's gone. He doesn't even seem to care like he has no heart at all. My problem is why do I wish he would come to me and apologize and say he wants to change and he loves me etc.? I am accustomed to making nice with him and trying to fight for our marriage. I can't do this anymore when he is so horrible! I know i need to leave but I'm just waiting around until we sell the house and not going to my mom's (where we're welcomed). I'm going to miss everything that's familiar. He's already looking for someone on yahoo personals and says that any woman is better than me. my kid's will miss our house and their schools and "security". I will too. I know it sounds stupid but I find it hard to let go even though I know it has to end. What's wrong with me?!!!

Answer 1

I have got to be completely honest with you. Before I entered my current situation I did not understand women who were in your situation. I can say now that I understand 100% why it is so hard to leave and why it hurts so much and why it is so confusing. What you feel is normal.

I adopted 4 kids. The 3 boys are very abusive to me and my husband. I could send them back into foster care but have not as of yet. Why do I let them live here and continue to verbally and physically abuse me?

The bottom line is that it is so much easier to say that you want them out of your life and you do not care to ever hear about them again... but it is entirely a different thing to do it.

You become accustomed to the person and you do like many things about them. My kids are wonderful; when they are being "normal." I am sure that your husband is amazing... when he is being "normal." There is that part of you that knows what a great person he can be and that linger of hope that things will be once again what you dreamed them to be.

You will develop a new security and new friends. Your kids will learn that they do not have to watch every step that they take and tiptoe around dad. They will be removed from a situation that is harmful for them and they will have a better chance of growing up without becoming abusers themselves.

Get counseling; for you and your kids. What you feel is normal. Leaving him is the right thing to do. Do not feel guilty. Your husband is an adult and he is making his own choices. He knows that what he is doing is wrong. It is okay to feel badly about it and it is okay to miss him. But go ahead and leave him. It will all turn out all right.

The police know us because we have had to call them out so many times because our kids are attacking us. I used to feel guilty about calling the police on my kids. I no longer feel guilty. Bad things happened to them once, but I did not hurt them. I have taught them right from wrong and I have taught them how to control their anger. At this point they choose to be violent. It is their choice. They know the consequences. That is no way to live. Return to your mom. Make a new life. It will hurt and sometimes you will be sad but you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing.

Answer 2

I feel your pain. I am sorry that you married such an a..ho.e. It can happen to any of us. It seems like you love this man much more than he loves you. In time your heart will heal. Just think about how badly he treated you. Would you allow any on the street to treat you the way he did? So why would you let him get away with it? Sometimes us women take too much from men. We take from them what we would not allow our friends or family to do. Why is that? Well I know that no matter what anyone says you will not leave the house until you are ready, until your heart knows that he is not for it. You will get it. Focus in on your child. It must be hard making new plans for your life because before now your future an your plans were with him. But it will come to you as the days pass. Just know that every door closes so that you can open a new door. This is the beginning of the rest of your life and you will be a happier person after all of this dies down. Keep your head up and put a smile on your face for God has blessed you in so many ways. Just look at your children... Smile.

Answer 3

Only you can answer this question and I would assume as an adult with a computer and with today's media discourse, you have certainly been informed about the tragedy of women in exactly the same position as you.
You are insecure and have allowed a brut to capitalize on this insecurity. You have managed to focus on the excuses- the why not's rather than the I CAN of your situation and your using your precious children as cop-outs.
You fail to give yourself credit for being strong. Think about it...
You have endured the brutality associated with this peon and you look around your world acting like your some sort of martyre, willing to go down with the ship, so to speak. Instead you can save the ship, it will only sink if you allow it and that ship is YOU!
You write, and I quote, "my kids will miss our house and their schools and security". WAKE UP, GIRL...
Your children have no security and if you think they don't have a clue about the situation you are dead wrong.
Don't you want your kids to have a positive example and role model in their life so that they don't grow up without a "heart"?
If you answered, "yes", then give them a role model and teach them to stand tall to what is right, good and kind in the world and to live a life filled with happiness, not regret. For regret is exactly what they will see when the one person in their life, their mother is allowing ANYONE to berate and abuse them.
Why in the world would any child look to a parent for guidence with lifes ups and downs when that parent can't even make a choice that is best for them, growing from the experience and becoming a better person?
You don't need to "stick around" to sell the house, your only staying because you are hoping that things will change and you know it.
You can sell the house from anywhere in the world, it's called a fax machine and FEDEX. Your two "small" children are young enough that there could be NO BETTER TIME than to relocate them. The anxiety that they will face in a new home, new school, new life is far less than what they are learning in such a dysfunctional family life.
You are not responsible to your husband, nor he to you. You are not responsible to build his character, he is. He is not responsible to provide you integrity, you are.
A human has a variety of things that they can give to someone and EVERY HUMAN HAS A PRICE even me. It is apparent that your price is very cheap; a piece of crap husband, and a foreclosure looming.
Your kid's however, still have their integrity intact, don't sell theirs, you don't have the right.
NO ONE has the right to enslave another human being, period. Being abusive, emotionally, physcially or verbally is enslavement regardless of what spin you put on it.
Do you really believe that you are not worthy of a better life? Do you really think that you don't deserve a husband/relationship that is nurturing, caring, kind and gentle?
STOP being a victim, teach your children to be accountable for their actions, their father sure isn't, and show them that they are valuable and important so that when they are growing, they too will keep their own price high and not selling their integrity for some schumck with a nice smile and a gift of gab.
I am here to tell you, that not even Bill Gate's money can buy my integrity, it is the ONLY THING I have that ONLY I can control, no one, anywhere, anytime, anyplace can touch it. That is of course, unless I allow it.
Can you say the same?
Take your kids and get out and don't look back. You have a responsibility to those kids first, stand tall, face your fears like the mature, strong woman that you are and NEVER allow your integrity to be put on the auction block again.
I assure you, when you gain some self respect, the world will respect you for it, more than you ever imagined.

Answer 4

Nothing is wrong with you. At some point, your relationship was good. Even I would want to hold on to that, but that is not the case now. You are feeling emotionally homeless and unloved. Know that you cannot change him. All the energy that you are exerting to save a situation which is spiritually killing you, must now be put into reclaiming the life that is slipping away in another setting. A setting of peace, and calm, and quiet. You have to love your children more. Familiarity with your home and surroundings brings both contentment and a sense of joy. It is horrible when that sense of comfort is pulled out from under you. You find the strength to create new and sweeter memories wherever you end up and you will end up, not down. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated and your feelings trampled anymore. I wish you only good things.

Answer 5

Sounds alot like my mother's situation while I was growing up. The best bet for you is to get yourself and your children into some sort of counseling. I am in no way suggesting that you are crazy but it helps to have a neutral person to just go to and vent. They can offer their advice as to what to do and when to do it. If your children are young enough they might not be as affected by the situation but its best to get them to talk to someone who specialized in children who will reinforce that the things that are going on between your husband and yourself are not their fault. If you can't afford counseling, its best to sit down with them and explain that they are not the reasons that things are happening. Make sure to reinforce the fact that they will be able to visit with their friends and such and that a move is not the end of the world. Kids are great in the fact that they bounce back fairly well but as a suggestion, get them to a professional as soon as you can. Your church (if you go to one) might even be willing or have someone who might be able to help you.

As for a possible reason why you still love an abusive husband, if it is the only thing you have know for a long time, its hard to change and let go. A professional psychologist or counselor might be able to give you their professional and better educated answer (I am almost finished with my bachelors). When we as humans are controlled we think of that is the only thing that our world revolves around. As for getting an apology, its going to be hard to ever get one from a person who believes that they are doing nothing wrong. My suggestion to you, as hard as it seems to be, is to forget about ever getting an apology from him and focus on yourself and your children. They need their mother to be strong for them since their father seems to lack that.

I hope this helped.

Answer 6

Ever heard of the song "Hopelessly Devoted To You"? I was singing that for 30 years. Men will never change. If that's the way he is and if that's how he treats you now, then that's the way it's going to be. You don't have to worry about why you still feel for him the way you do despite how he treats you because like me, your emotion has its limitations and you will wake up one day looking for that affection that you used to feel for him, and won't find it anywhere in you. And then, you will decide to divorce him and feel sorry at how you had wasted so much time waiting for nothing. I married at 20, lived with the same man for 30 years who loves only himself and where I had been the breadwinner of the family most of the time. And at 50 I decided i should go for divorce. If I ask you, do you think I should have gotten out of the marriage earlier? Men who love themselves too much does not have the space to accommodate and share their affection to others.

Answer 7

My dear Friend I endure an 18 year marriage were abuse was present at all times. The only way to put yourself back in your own to feet is to let go of this life and start over with your children.
your first step is to contact a public office the name is women in distress or the abuse hot line and they will help you with everything you need to became independent and start over. do not be afraid you are not alone. If you ask you will get the help you need right now. go to the yellow pages or call the police department in your area they will help you. Do not be afraid to call they will help you. I promise.

Answer 8

There is nothing wrong with you as far as the info you are providing. You sound perfectly normal.

You just don't want to give up on your dream and your love.

Butt for the mental, emotional and physical well being of your children. You know what you should do. Tonight without waiting another minute.

Answer 9

Sweetheart, you do not actually "love" your husband anymore than he "loves" you... What has happened is that for however long you have been together...he has plundered not only your self esteem and your "will to be happy" but also he removed enough self love to ensure that your opionion of yourself, (even if getting better, or improving), will never be enough to make you self confident, happy or self actualized. He has removed your natural impulse to be happy without him - you can not even imagine it.

However, if you simply leave, start doing things for yourself and your two beautiful children you will find a woman you might have even forgot had existed... and she will be amazing.

I hope you find her sooner than later, I know that you will love her, and your children will love her in ways you never thought possible.

P.S. When you leave, you will soon come to the truth that the "security" you seem to be fearful of loosing is actually a prison that he has built for you and you have never been less "free" or "secure" in your life.

You will be in my thoughts.

Answer 10

Sometimes love is blind. We cant help who we love we just do. I am in love with a man who has cheated on me. Maybe you are scared to start your life all over again. what you have is familiar and comfortable but that does not mean you need to stay. It will be hard but if he is not willing to try then you need to let go and do what is best for you and your children. Be strong and put yourself first beleive that you can do it without him and you will.